Help ANYBODY...lonely step father
OMG...i'm drinking a Margirita right now. The stress is killing me.
I recently (March) found my high school sweetheart on facebook. We had great converasation and decided we had to have eachother. Guys, I relocated to be with her and her 3 kids. After a few months...I now clearly see that I'm not getting the parental support an adult is suppose to have.
I discovered her 13 y/o son was smoking. Me and Nikki then later caught him smoking. After that closet was open I now see that he is the main problem in our home. Sometimes he bulleys his lil brothers....most of time he's very sloppy in the home. (intentionally breaking stuff and simple dogging out the house and furniture.)
**** now this is where the problem comes in: Now any problem that I notice with him or any of the kids, she's been getting offended. I never get the support I deserve. She rather argue and fuss with me than to correct her children about various things from: Keeping the home clean, to smoking, to respect to me. The oldest hangs out in the complex with older guys... I've mentioned it to Nikki but she says that I simple don't like him.
That's actually not the real story. I like kids ( i even have a kid business) The problem is: he's pulling a sheet over her eyes and she's not seeing a darn thing. Now if i see a darn thing..she doesn't believe me or ALWAYS turn it into an argument.
There's more to the story but i better finish this drink. Thanks for reading
Welcome, Marcus! Sorry you're
Welcome, Marcus! Sorry you're having such a tough time of it, but I must admit that it actually makes me feel better to see that step-dads can encounter the exact same issue that I'm having as a step-mom
I've really got nothing to help at this point, since I'm sort of in the same boat. You'll hear some say to "disengage," meaning to let the mother handle it just as she would if you weren't around. For me, that's easier said than done, but I'm working on it.
Hopefully someone else can post and give you some help. In the meantime, suck it up (the margarita, that is)
"thatgirl" What! Your glad
"thatgirl" What! Your glad that i'm going through this? (2nd drink please) I do try and respect the whole "biological" parent thing, but Nikki is simply not seeing what i can easily see.
Before i moved with her, her friend also caught her son smoking. Friends, family, and me...anybody that says anything, she gets offended and attacks that person. (verbally)
Even the biological father had problems getting help from her. He was the "inforcer" as the parent and she never supported him. Now that they split, she trys to ask for help and he declines... I say it fits her well for not being supportive.
I really hate seeing my girl and her ruin their lives by making bad choices. aggghhh
Hi MarOOcus HAve you guys
Hi MarOOcus
HAve you guys tried counseling? HAve you tried sitting her down and having a heart to heart on how you feel?
All I can say is read a lot of blogs on this site, it can be helpful...being a step isn't easy and frankly not fun a lot of times!
Whateva
Hi Mar00cus Welcome to the
Hi Mar00cus
Welcome to the site!
It is not unusual for a kid of 13 to be experimenting with smoking. It's a teenage thing. Just hope and pray it stays at smoking cigarettes and not go onto pot or other drugs! Same happened to my kids, we caught them smoking at 14, punished them, told them we never wanted to see any evidences of it in our home and that smoking was a great danger to their health etc etc. Asked for the decency to at least not smoke in our home...to respect us. More you cannot really do without it becoming a child abuse issue (like forcing them to eat a packet of cigarettes, as some cruel parents do!). I say ignore it after that..punish if they break the rules and don't make too much of an issue. If you do, they will do it even more. Teenagers are like that. Find scary articles online about people who die of lung cancer due to smoking...leave them lying around... pics of those lungs covered in tar!
I sympathise, I have a SS14 (stepson of 14) who breaks things and has no respect for property or belongings, so I don't have advice on that one.
Read up on disengaging, as it may be the answer here and may save your relationship.
All the best
MG
I think the bottom line is
I think the bottom line is that you can't parent a child who's not yours. If she she gets offended when you point something out, just let it ride. My husband is the same way. He gets offended, raises his voice, and we end up arguing. I try not to argue, but he likes to say things that just make me crazy, so the PUerto Rican in me has to lash!! Hehehehehe.
After a few hours and when he's calm, he approaches me and sees that all I'm really trying to do is give him input on things he can't see. He's a good father, but he's no mother.
Take it step by step. No one likes their kids criticized; and more often than not, when the criticism is warranted, we even tend to feel attacked as well as embarrassed of our kids.
Good luck.
This situation is very common
This situation is very common with boys at his age. They think smoking is cool and makes them look macho. I think you might want to consider bonding with this boy before you start a war with mama over her son.
Do not mention the smoking to him until you are well bonded.... then maybe you can mention it.
Its a lot of work being a SP to anyone's children. There will be lots of issues.... as you go... but do your best to bond first, so you can have an opinion that is respected later.
Be supportive of BM and her issues raising the kids, do NOT try to parent them...... for now.
Good Luck.
Thanks guys for the good
Thanks guys for the good advice. Even though i'm not the biological parent, the "father" in me always seem to try and assist. When you love somebody, it's hard to sit back and not say/do anything at all.
I do realize i just can't rule the kids like my own, but I simply don't want them to continue to run over her like it appears.
She's (Nikki) is a very good mom to them. But i feel like her kindness is being taken for granted.
I'll do the best I can to hold back my control to take charge...but there are proven times where things in life have gotten worse for people simple because nobody seem to do anything about it...or turned a blind eye to the problem.
Be sure to be open to her
Be sure to be open to her complaining and frustration. Tell her ... "I'm sorry Babe, is there any way I can help you"? Do not get in the face of the kids... it will not work.
Take them off her hands... take them off to Pizza and a visit. Do not try to use this time to "parent them". You need to bond first.
Once you become a friend.... they will listen to you.
Do read up on Step parenting... it's like this website... but more direct with YOU in mind instead of all of us venting.... it will give you more solutions.
Try to think ahead of how the kids will act out. If you know Suzi hates bath time... figure out how to make that smoother... and more enjoyable to her.....
If Jessie hates taking out the garbage... then figure how to ask him to grab it on his way out to see his friend....next door.
(Names ficticious).
That way... you are not ragging and pushing your weight around. Eventually, once they get used to doing things and being helpful.... it will become no bid deal to them.
IF they are mouthy..... Do NOT allow that. STAND UP when they start that.... walk toward them.... point your finger.... and tell them... I realize you are upset.... but you will NOT speak to your mother in that tone... or use those words.... (cussing)....
Those ARE things you should and MUST stand up for at this point. Do NOT set the tone that you will tolerate for one minute their disrespect of their mother.
Good Luck.