Haaaaalp!
My goodness being a SP is hard. I am so glad I have my bio daughter (4) to help me understand and navigate the difficult terrain that parenting is. Step parenting feels so.much.harder. This is a normal way to feel, right?
Step son is 12. Been parenting him since he was 5. Bio moms presence was rocky at best until she abandoned him at age 9. She traumatized us all. Serious mental health issues. There's a huge long history there that I won't go in to but thought worth mentioning to help explain how crazy and complicated and hard it has been on all of us. Most people have NO IDEA. And bless their hearts I hope they never ever do.
I'm here because I'm really really struggling. I have an amazing relationship with my BD. Not so much with my SS.
He has severe ADD but DH doesn't want him diagnosed or on meds bc of BM's long history of abusing her Rx meds. I get it. And I respect his decision. BUT, the ADD has serious affects on his ability to do almost everything from functional life skills to obviously more complicated things like school and chores. This results in me feeling like a constant nag, which puts me in a constant bad mood, affects my relationships with everyone including myself, and is starting to wreak havoc on my well-being.
I also come from a dysfunctional childhood which presents it own set of challenges in of itself.
Basically I feel like a hot mess who can't be productive around the house, can't seem to get along with my SS, and I need some serious help and advice because this is not sustainable.
I can't bare the thought of breaking up the family because I don't want to do that to my BD. She is everything to me.
I have done so much for my SS, as my DH and MIL have told me in the past. He is a completely new person who came out of his shell because of me.
However, all I feel from my relationship with him ia annoyance, frustration, & exhaustion. He can't do the simplest of tasks with 50,000 reminders both to actually do it and/or do it correctly. I am sure some of it is normal 12 yr old boy stuff but a lot of it is exacerbated by our history and his ADD.
All this is conjuring up feelings of depression and self-hatred. I am at my wits end.
How do I be more patient with him and myself?
How do I get past all the annoyances all day long?
How can I be loving and kind and nurturing when I am just pissed off all the time?!?!?!?
Please help. I need some love and encouragement. No judgement please. I am my own worst critic anyways.
Could you disengage and set
Could you disengage and set rules so that you don’t have to deal with mishaps. One time I told SD to not open her smoothie in my car. She likes to take the top off her smoothies and usually what happens is she drops the lid and smoothy gets everywhere. When we got home I found the smoothie lid and straw on the backseat of my car. From then on the rule is they cannot eat or drink in my car no exceptions. I would say stop having expectations and focus on you and your BD. Leave SS to DH to deal with.
Thank you for the suggestion!
Thank you for the suggestion! I think disengaging and setting some boundaries would save me a lot of sanity. Oh the messes in the car! Drives me bonkers too. I hear ya! I can't really leave my SS to DH but I would if I could. He is too busy providing for the family. I am lucky enough to be a SAHM right now while he works fulltime with a lot of OT, and has an hour+ drive each way. Also excacerbating the situaiton is we recently moved about 4 months ago so we are getting used to a whole new routine and the transition is and has been waaay more difficult than I ever imagine. We moved a few hours away from everyone we know to pursue our dream of homesteading. With that has come a whole new set of expectations and rules, etc. Before we moved it was not like this. Our routines and "ism's" were settled and everything was fluid and worked. Now, everything feels like such a struggle. I feel like once we've been here for awhile things will hopefully improve.
Your DH’s reasoning is a
Your DH’s reasoning is a little silly, bm abusing her meds in the past has nothing to do with SS if he has a legitimate medical condition which requires intervention. ADD meds are not right for every child (side effects) but for a lot of kids they are life changing. It sounds like your SS is very impaired. If If he is absolutely hell bent on keeping him off meds there are other things to try such as in Home behavioral therapy (covered by insurance) or try to get him an IEP at school for extra help. If none of this works, time to put your foot down and disengage.
i am in the field of child psychology and I deal with this a lot. Unfortunately for children whose ADD is very severe, parents who refuse medical intervention due to their own personal beliefs , I feel a lot of times borders on medical abuse/neglect. These kids can grow up without the skills to do a single thing for themselves, which will be a life long headache for you.
I understand what you are
I understand what you are saying. I don't know if it's the idea of a label or BM's history or both. We were seeing an amazing therapist before we moved. He said w/o a doubt, if assessed SS would end up w/ a diagnosis. But he didn't seem insistent or bothered that we didnt move forward with it. I think its bc of the legal history and the courts and how much BM was favored for years and years even though she was clearly unfit. All that time more and more psychological damage was traumatizing all of us. It has been so hard. But as hard as all this is now, I can't stand the thought/fear of being dragged back to court. And if there is a significant change, as you probably know, that could mean she could file again. We don't have the time, money, or energy for another round in court. I think that would be the beginning of the end for our family as we know it. She likely has no leg to stand on, but, it wouldn't stop her from filing and trying to wreak havoc on our lives. She is off.the.charts delusional and diabolical. It's a risk either way I guess. Maybe we will try cutting sugar as suggested below. We eat pretty healthy as it is but of course enjoy treats now and then. But he does seem to have impulse control issues with sugar. Thank you for your input.
Wow, yes you definitely know
Wow, yes you definitely know the chaos I speak of. Sad isn't it? I never knew people could be so cruel. And that's saying a lot as my childhood was no fieldtrip. BM actually caused me to have a panic attack because of an incredible lie she made my SS tell me. I was so naive.
Yes stepparenting is not for the faint of heart is it? I always thought I was so strong for becoming a responsible adult after having a hellish childhood. But this, this is knocking me on my ass and making me feel like maybe I am not as strong as I thought and maybe I didn't turn out so well. I can't turn to my parents. They are no help. And now that we've moved I have no friends around to talk to. I feel stuck, lonely, and isolated.
I like your idea of cutting sugar. If I didn't monitor his diet so closely he would most definitely be obese from over-eating and impulse eating. He would eat just carbs and sugar if I left it up to him, which is probably pretty par for the course when it comes to preteens. But with him it's more serious because of his health concerns and his past.
I feel like I was doing pretty good in life, until this challenge came into my life. My DH warned me when we met - he said you don't want to get involved with me. But love makes us do crazy things. I don't regret marrying him or having our daughter. I guess I just think back to him saying that and it kind of haunts me now.
I think my DH feels sorry for SS and probably has a lot of guilt for everything SS went through. Or maybe he feels bad he got involved with such a dangerous person. Which, when he pities SS, BTW, drives me bonkers. This is a selfish way to think I'm sure, but I can't help but to have all these swirling thoughts like What about me? My childhood sucked for 18 years. He only had to go through it (parttime) for 8 years. And, So what? It's not what happens to us that defines us but what we do about it....Stop dwelling on it and move on.
Isn't that horrible? Then comes in the self-loathing thoughts and the vicious cycle of frustration and negativity.
Because then I start to feel guilty for my thoughts because as horrible as my childhood was, my mom never gave up on me or abandoned me. Nor can I imagine how a mom could even do such a thing. My BD is, by far, the best thing that ever happened to me. But I realize, mental health issues can be profoundly impactful in ways that are sometimes impossible to comprehend.
I can only begin to imagine the pain and struggle my SS must feel. These things can't be compared. So why do I let my brain go there?
And, I'm starting to think I have my own mental health issue with depression. So I get it that it's complicated. And I know hurt people hurt people. So it has been my mission in life to end that cycle. And so far with BD I have! For the most part any way. But, as hard as I have always tried to be positive and surround myself with positive people, I look back and realize that I have always struggled. I have always felt anxious and nervous. But the thought of having to go to therapy is daunting. I've tried it multiple times and it hasn't helped. Maybe because I haven't found the right therapist. Or maybe because I have always struggled to articulate myself. Or maybe both.
I have read countless self-help books, drowned myself with positive quotes and people and environments. I guess I've hit a wall. I just don't know what to do in this particular situation with my SS. He makes me feel so many negative emotions and I just don't know what to do with them or where to go with them. I don't like feeling like a bad person but that is how I feel. And that makes me feel like I've continued the negative pattern that has gone on for at least 3 generations now.
I haven't tried anti-depressants. I don't know why but I'm afraid to. Why is that? I think I'm ready to. I'll try any thing at this point. I definitely need help.
I really appreciate your insights. It sounds like you have alot to deal with and your advice will be taken to heart. Thank you for letting me vent here. Sounds like you are doing an incredible job.
Welcome
We understand. You're not crazy or unreasonable. Also not SuperHuman (although you clearly have a lot of love & seem like a super person!), so yes it is okay to get outside help.
Read up because some here in this community have very similar situations. You'll read about what works and what doesn't. You are not alone!
Thank you! Your kind words
Thank you! Your kind words are helpful. I will definitely be reading up. It's good to have support. *biggrin*
There are other ways to treat
There are other ways to treat ADHD such as diet or therapy. However, if SS isn't taught the proper coping skills to deal with his ADHD it will be an issue. Especially since kids with ADHD often grow up to "self-medicate" with drugs or alcohol. Not medicating may cause exactly what your DH is trying to avoid.
Yes you're right there are
Yes you're right there are other ways which is another reason why we haven't done meds just yet. So far we've done therapy and toyed with a few different diets. Now going to cut sugar. I think his ADD is so intense right now because we just moved and everything is so brand new. I am hoping after 6 months or so things will start to click for him. It is a TON of work dealing with it without meds, but so far we have been able to make it work. DH thinks the opposite of what you're saying - that meds will lead him to other drugs/pills, self-medication, as well as he is afraid to start him on meds now that he is 12 and his body is about to go through so many changes. I also just discovered my husband is weird in general about pills. If we have to medicate, we will. Especially if our family can't function in a healthy way because we are all having to tiptoe around the core issue.
I am a focus on the behaviors
I am a focus on the behaviors guy and don’t really care about what people feel. Feelings are nefarious and represent nearly infinite variety where behaviors are discrete choices that can be confronted and addressed with escalating unpleasant consequences u til standards of reasonable behavior are complied with.
since your DH has his head in the sand re: his prior relationship spawn and refuses to take full advantage of the Dx, Rx and therapy options to get this kid help all that is left is for you to confront the choices SS makes to perpetrate inappropriate behavior with effective escalating consequences.
DH can either step up and parent befor you have to or bite his tongue and have your back.
Far too many people in blended family marriages serve themselves up to be sacrificed in the alter of SParental martyrdom. I for one refuse.
All good points. Thank you
All good points. Thank you for your insights. *acute*