Frustrated as I can get.. what to do???
my SS 16 is a monster. He has the makings of a psychopath. He’s been to psych, his father has no follow through and this has caused MAJOR problems in our marriage. My kids aren’t saints and have done their parts, but never to the limits this kid has. I sent my kids to family this summer to see if things could settle in the house( been very hostile thanks to my husband, father in law and step son) my kids don’t want to come back. The parting remark my step son made to my 15 year old daughter after she was cranky with him about his manipulative rule making while they were playing outside was “ I hope your 18 year old boyfriend rapes you.” I wasn’t there to hear it directly but all the kids did, and I just happened to over hear them talking about it. When I questioned them about it, they said their side of the story. Kids can be kids, but my step son is famous for this crap. He can’t even attend public school because he’s such a nasty person and the school was fed up with him always causing disruption in the classroom or on the bus. I know if I say anything about it to my husband it’s gonna end up in a fight and I am already looking for our exit. I’ve had enough with that crap and honestly don’t trust him around my kids. I don’t even trust my husband to be objective enough to keep them safe because this crap goes on under his nose while I’m working and I get a totally different story when I get home. It never ends.
leave
This kid is going to end up in juvie or in your house through his 20s. This isn't good for your kids. Can you move to where your family is?
If your kids don't want to
If your kids don't want to come back, I think that makes the choice much easier. Especially since you're already looking for your exit. Time to leave. What is your hesitation? Is it financial?
I didn’t get married just to
I didn’t get married just to get divorced. I thought it was tough but dang
Don't cling to a bad decision
Don't cling to a bad decision because you spent so much time making it.
Look, it sounds like there is a lot going on.. not just with this boy and that you now maybe realize that his father isn't the man you might have thought he would be.
I don't advocate allowing kids to dictate adult relationships but are you truly happy in a situation where you live with people that cause so much stress in your life. Is your DH doing anything to make things better?
I know you didn't get married to get divorced.. but you didn't have kids only to not be able to live with them either.
sure...
no one gets married to just get divorced. we all go in with the best of intentions and hopes for the future. there are many reasons to call its quits. i would say you do have a compelling reason to leave. your stepson is cuckoo for cocoa puffs and even the verbal abuse he unleashes on your biokids is enough for you to NEED to leave. can you really see your kids wanting to come back into this environment, especially when your DH does not have your back and is doing little to help his son?
It's been the same problem
It's been the same problem over and over and over again. You live in a home bought and paid for by your in-laws. You moved in five to six kids and no one can get along.
Your husband is on marriage #3, you have six kids by one ex husband and two or three (or four?) ex-relationships. However you seem to hold a belief that marriage vows mean no matter what comes your way in your relationship/s, you must stay and keep trying. Am I to assume it was not you who ended any of the previous marriage/relationships you've had?
Nothing is going to change in the current living situation you are in. If anything, things have grown worse than two years ago when you married this guy. You are very resentful, supposedly fearful of your SS, your own children are trying to refuse to come back after their summer escape.
I don't 'get it'. Do you sincerely believe you can somehow turn this all around or do you just post to vent and intend to go on with a houseful of unhappy miserable people?
Nope, I stupidly believe that
Nope, I stupidly believe that people can change if they really want to. I know you are right.
You are totally right that
You are totally right that people can change if THEY want to. If THEY don't want to change, no one can force them to.
What You believe and what you practice are two different things. You believe people can change if they want, but you practice that if you try hard enough, you can make them change.
You can't make them. Stop trying.
So will your SS assaulting
So will your SS assaulting your daughter finally be when you leave this toxic mess, or will you keep trying? You already stayed after you son was hit, so what more has to haplen to your kids for you to leave?
Your #1 priority is your children. They aren't safe. They don't feel safe. Protect them.
If You truly cannot get divorced, you can be married but live apart. However, don't force your kids to live through abusive and toxic behavior just so you stay true to your word.
You are going to have to choose: betray your kids or "betray" your vows.
Wow. You're still subjecting
Wow. You're still subjecting your kids to that toxic mess?!
I thought I remembered you, so I reread all of your previous posts. It seems the only thing that has changed is your kids have matured enough to decide they don't want to live like that any more.
Do you get that? It's pretty significant. Your kids have realized that they can't depend on you to put their interests first. They're actually willing to forego being with you, just to have some peace and safety. Because they're not held hostage by the weight of old baggage like you, your kids have found a way out of your toxic marriage. I hope they stay away.
I've worked 12s before. I know how difficult it is to find time to breathe, or think, with a such a grueling schedule. But you have got to stop being your own worst enemy, Survivor. I get that you're strong, and resourceful, and an educated professional. But you are also bullheaded, and terrible at picking men. You want to be right, and you are afraid of failing. You've clung like a barnacle to this damaged, uneducated, parasitic loser and stayed in a terrible marriage, and for what? To lose your kids??
One thing that nobody tells you is, by middle age people are who they are and they aren't likely to change. Oh, they might talk a good game, or wear a facade, but their character, habits and patterns are ingrained. You chose poorly when you chose your H. He is weak, and comes from a dysfunctional family that enables him. He is a sh!!ty parent, and a sh!!th partner. That's what and who he is.
You really, really need to get real with yourself. Instead of focusing on the shortcomings of your H and his merry band of fools, take an inventory of yourself. You've made a lot of mistakes in this relationship. You moved into these people's lives, and expected them to change who they are to suit you. You've put your need for a man over your children's best interests. You've paid money towards taxes and insurance on a property you don't own, instead of investing in property for yourself and your children. You've wasted a considerable sum of money supporting this weak man and his damaged kids, instead of saving for the future.
Relationships aren't supposed to be this hard. Yours is, because it's dysfunctional and toxic and is never going to get better. Instead of being so focused on not failing, try reminding yourself that everyone makes mistakes. Try focusing on the lessons that are before you. Try remembering that you are a mother, with a duty to your children. Focus on what a great life you could have with your kids, who will only be kids for a little bit longer. Start planning your exit strategy now, and move on to a normal life.
I am looking and saving while
I am looking and saving while kids are gone, takes time and money.