I'm feeling a bit left out lately. It's like my spouse is either in Dad mode or Spouse mode but can't interchange them or be both at the same time. I have two kids, DD8 and DS3 and he has two, SD6 and SD3.
SD6 is a clinger. If he's sitting down she literally has to be on top of him in some sort of fashion. Either laying sprawled out on top of him, her legs draped over him, on side of him touching, etc. She is literally up his butt. SD3 is picking up on this too and of course wants to be like her sister so it's a constant battle.
I admit I usually sit back and do my own thing or spend time with my own kids when they're here for some portions of the day but towards the 2nd day I start to get annoyed and want SOME kind of interaction with him without a kid stuck up his butt. He's admitted that he sees it and he starts to get snippy with them by the 2nd or last day they're here because after a while it's just annoying. I went to the store the other day and called him because our rearview mirror came unglued while I was out and I wanted to know what I needed or could buy to reglue it. He said the kids were hanging from his arms and just on top of him the entire time and he couldn't do what he needed or wanted to do because they were in his way.
Out of curiosity the other day I laid on the couch which is a sectional and he came and curled up next to me. The kids were playing in their rooms with toys and when they were done they came to the living room. He scooted over to the other end of the couch and they both curled up next to him on either side. So much for being included.
Any suggestions? SD6 is "sensitive" when her Dad is around. He works on Saturdays so it's usually just them and me and I can talk sternly to them, tell them to knock it off, and they listen. As soon as he walks in the door if he or I tell her anything that involves the word no, you can't do that, or just general fussing/correcting she does the pouty thing or starts crying.
How can we deal with this on a united front? I do think it's amusing though because he used to ride my DD8's butt about some normal kid things that she does and now he's finally seeing that his own children do these same annoying habits. They aren't Princesses anymore. lol
Is he interested in a united front? Or is he perhaps enjoying the attention/competition?
If he's interested in a united front, house rules, consistent discipline, and family routines are the way to go.
By that I mean...
HOUSE RULES: No more than 3 rules, for example no hitting. 4th rule is always, "Told no/to stop it once, second time gets a reminder about being told no and a warning, 3rd time is discipline"
DISCIPLINE: I use time out, but you guys can implement something else, but timeouts are handy for the consistency part - that you and DH can implement without discussion or the other one being there. The point is, they get told in the warning stage what will happen, then in the discipline stage they get told again why they are getting disciplined and what the discipline is. Then once it's over, you tell them again why they got disciplined, that xyz is not allowed, and you ask for an apology. If you don't get it, they can stay in timeout. Once they've apologized, you accept, hugs kisses and fresh start.
FAMILY ROUTINES: We have a consistent wake-up time and bed-time, meal times are pretty regular, and habits are very regular. For example, dinner is around 6pm. Before dinner kid gets into jammies, after dinner shoes on (and now that it's summer, pants as well lol), and we go for a walk.... to the garbage/recycling containers at the end of the road. Then we go back, and it's time for a story, cuddles, and bedtime. 7pm and wahoo adult time. In your shoes, I'd adjust this so that when DH comes home he greets everyone but then takes 15 minutes for himself. And that every couple of hours - say after every meal/snack - he sets the timer for 30 minutes and it's quiet time, with everyone in their own room doing something quiet.
He has to train them to be more self-sufficient when he's around. There's a reason he hasn't done that. Maybe he doesn't know how, but in a lot of cases, parents feel like they don't get enough time with their kids and they don't want to do any disciplining because it's not the fun part of having kids.
I believe he is.. We've talked about it a lot and this situation is new to us. My kids have been in the picture since the beginning but the situation with his is new. He just got visitation at the end of June to start seeing his children regularly. It's a high conflict BM and her way to hurt him was withholding the kids who ultimately paid the price.
We've been working on house rules and routines. We had already set up everything with mine so it's more so getting EVERYONE on the same page now and laying them out so they are understood. We do like you suggested, warn them 1-2 times and then discipline. We've been pretty lucky so far but I've noticed within the past couple of visits they're testing their boundaries more but I expected that once they got comfortable and the honeymoon period ended.
I have to say he's really stepped up and is trying, it's just we're at a loss on how to deal with some things or he doesn't immediately see it as something like I do until later on or after the fact.
Agreed.. When my kids come into the room and want to snuggle up next to me or just be near me I'm ok with that but I'm not moving to suit them. They're more than welcome to come sit next to me if there is room or I'll tell them to wait a little bit or direct them to another area to sit.
It's just kind of crappy.. With my kids it's easy going, everything flows well and I don't stop whatever I'm doing to bend to whatever they want at the moment. When it comes to his kids it's like he can't multitask. It's either one or the other. He can't remain laying or sitting by me and spend time with them also. It's either sit by me and they're busy doing something else or he has to move away and devote his total attention to them.
He will literally sit/lay on the couch for hours with them clinging to him the entire time. One day he laid there with one of them on each side and SD6 fell asleep and woke up multiple times in the same position. She laid on his chest and draped her leg(s) over him. Perhaps I'm just jealous? But it reminds me of how he and I lay or cuddle. It's offputting.
I think DH really needs to step up with the discipline, as you said, they listen to you while he's not there, but seem to find it hard to do the same when he *is* there. He has to be consistent and ignore the pouts and crying. Very manipulative behaviour, and if DH falls for it, then he's got a lot more work cut out for him in future.
Also as Sassy said, DH should *never* leave you while having a cuddle in order to allow hugs from skids. That's worrying. Sometimes my SS5 asks DH for a hug as soon as he sees DH start hugging me. DH's response is " I'm cuddling Sunny right now" ..has a good long hug with me (doesn't rush it in order to placate SS) then says "right SS, c'mere for that hug!"
Your DH is essentially teaching the kids that they're a priority and that you/your feelings don't matter.
I had the clingy problem with SS5 (with ME! not DH! lol) when DD2 first arrived, I think he was scared I wouldn't love him anymore now baby was here. He wanted to be hugged by me literally all the time, it was hard work with a newborn. I blogged about it here. ( I deleted a few blogs though, that being one of them)
And one SM said something that hadn't even occurred to me, that children need to learn boundaries with cuddles and laying all over people. Sometimes the other person doesn't want to cuddle, and it's ok to say that to a kid.
They have to learn that, for appropriate relationships with others (friends their own age AND adults) and to learn respect for others bodies/ personal space. It's also important they know that those same rules apply to themselves. If *they* don't want a hug, they should be allowed to say so. Tell DH it's an essential life skill that he is teaching his daughters!
At first I was real nervous at the thought of telling SS "no hugs thanks" I guess I was just concerned in case I hurt SS feelings. Ok so the first time I did it, I said "SS, I don't feel like cuddling right now, (look of absolute SHOCK on SS' face, and he looked like he was gona start crying) ..but why don't we do XYZ activity instead?" (SS then happy to participate in whatever game I suggested)
I thought "awesome!" but then IMMEDIATELY after the game was done, he said "cuddle now?" LOL it took a while but I just kept suggesting different things to do (sometimes with me, sometimes on his own) and gradually he became less obsessed with needing hugs from me.
I think he found confidence in other types of bonding (playing games/ reading a book to him etc). Rather than seeking reassurance in the form of a hug, he found it in spending time together. It was a huge relief to have my own body back, I was breastfeeding my newborn at the time, so felt I only had the energy to have one little cling monster!
To be honest he is still even now, a little obsessed with hugs!!! But at least now he understands that if I don't want a hug from him, that's ok. He learnt that essential life skill of respecting others personal space.
Maybe you could look up some websites on how to help clingy children not be so clingy?
Also look for some books for DH to read to both skids, I just did a brief internet search and came up with these, they might help explain to the skids that not everyone wants cuddles when *they* want them?
'No More Cuddles!' by Jane Chapman
'Claydon Was A Clingy Child' by Cressida Cowell
'Miles Is The Boss Of His Body' by Samantha Kurtzman-Counter
If DH keeps it lighthearted and maybe after reading the book, if one of them tries to smother him, he could say something like "hey! I'm starting to feel like poor Miles! c'mon I don't feel like cuddling right now, let's do XYZ activity WITH LAMOMMA instead"
(only if you're up for that of course, I'm not sure if you feel left out because of not spending time with DH alone, or if you're feeling left out/excluded within their little circle of 3.. but if it's the latter, then DH encouraging you to be included would knock the cling factor out the window while including you)
All of this will only work if DH is willing to change certain things of course. The most important one in my opinion is DH understanding that he shouldn't leave you to cuddle skids
That will only build resentment on your part, and also empower the skids into thinking they're the queens of the house, not you. If that continues, they may start not listening to you, as daddy has shown them you're not as important as they are.
I wonder if he could even say to the skids "hey guys why don't you go play XYZ game in the other room, I feel like having alone time LAmomma" if they retaliate with "but WE feel like having time with you!" perhaps he could say "my feelings aren't important? go on now, go have fun with game/ movie etc, we can hang out later and have fun together then" I don't know if that's a good suggestion or not, but maybe worth thinking about? I think if he tries that, it'd be important to say that's what HE wants, and what would make HIM happy. No mention of what YOU want, as that would inevitably translate in their head "LAmomma is taking dad away"
Also DH *needs* to follow through on him disciplining them, and making sure skids do as they're told by *both* of you.
Good Luck, I really hope DH steps up for the sake of your marriage, and also not raising bratty kids (who turn into much harder to deal with bratty teenagers lol)
Just a last minute thought, I wonder if there are any websites/ articles or even books you could suggest to your DH on how to balance being a good dad and being a good husband to a stepmom? (that last part is important "stepmom" as we all know, it's a very different thing to "mom")
Little update: kids are here this weekend. Things have been going pretty good. We watched the movie HOME last night. I came to sit down and told both spouse and SD6 to move so I could get comfortable and have a spot. I sprawled out on the sectional and spouse laid next to me. SD6 moved, started pouting and about to cry because she got the boot. He ended up letting her curl up on the other side of him because he told her she could lay with him.
Just now we are sitting on the couch once again. My two kids are sitting on the opposite side, I'm in my spot with spouse next to me and SD3 is sitting next to him. SD6 is sitting in a chair across the room. SD6 eventually comes and sprawls out all over his lap. I say I'm going take a bath and that I'll be back. I come back from my bath and they're each on the side of him. I sit back in my spot which puts SD6 inbetween us now. She lays there a few mins then slinks back to her chair across the room. When he asks why she moved she is quiet and doesn't answer him.
She eventually comes back and lays on his lap again.
She's testing you both and is successfully manipulating your DH into feeling guilty enough to comment on it.
This is all on your DH. He needs to put a stop to it right now, or it will get much worse. She's a mini-wife in the making and will amp her game, the more she succeeds. Your hubby is also aware, on some deep level, of what she's doing and he's playing right into her hands - hell, he might even be getting a kick out of it. It's all well and good to hug and cuddle with your kid..but when she's making a play for his attention every single time, his wife wants to sit next to him? Nope..that shit needs to be cut down now.
It's ok to give her a hug and tell her to sit down elsewhere as couples tend to sit together and relax - it's not ok to expect to have prime position in the lounge.
I'd be telling hubby to start teaching his kid how to respect adults and stop acting entitled and spoilt, or he's gonna end up with a nightmare on his hands.
I'm feeling a bit left out
I'm feeling a bit left out lately. It's like my spouse is either in Dad mode or Spouse mode but can't interchange them or be both at the same time. I have two kids, DD8 and DS3 and he has two, SD6 and SD3.
SD6 is a clinger. If he's sitting down she literally has to be on top of him in some sort of fashion. Either laying sprawled out on top of him, her legs draped over him, on side of him touching, etc. She is literally up his butt. SD3 is picking up on this too and of course wants to be like her sister so it's a constant battle.
I admit I usually sit back and do my own thing or spend time with my own kids when they're here for some portions of the day but towards the 2nd day I start to get annoyed and want SOME kind of interaction with him without a kid stuck up his butt. He's admitted that he sees it and he starts to get snippy with them by the 2nd or last day they're here because after a while it's just annoying. I went to the store the other day and called him because our rearview mirror came unglued while I was out and I wanted to know what I needed or could buy to reglue it. He said the kids were hanging from his arms and just on top of him the entire time and he couldn't do what he needed or wanted to do because they were in his way.
Out of curiosity the other day I laid on the couch which is a sectional and he came and curled up next to me. The kids were playing in their rooms with toys and when they were done they came to the living room. He scooted over to the other end of the couch and they both curled up next to him on either side. So much for being included.
Any suggestions? SD6 is "sensitive" when her Dad is around. He works on Saturdays so it's usually just them and me and I can talk sternly to them, tell them to knock it off, and they listen. As soon as he walks in the door if he or I tell her anything that involves the word no, you can't do that, or just general fussing/correcting she does the pouty thing or starts crying.
How can we deal with this on a united front? I do think it's amusing though because he used to ride my DD8's butt about some normal kid things that she does and now he's finally seeing that his own children do these same annoying habits. They aren't Princesses anymore. lol
Is he interested in a united
Is he interested in a united front? Or is he perhaps enjoying the attention/competition?
If he's interested in a united front, house rules, consistent discipline, and family routines are the way to go.
By that I mean...
HOUSE RULES: No more than 3 rules, for example no hitting. 4th rule is always, "Told no/to stop it once, second time gets a reminder about being told no and a warning, 3rd time is discipline"
DISCIPLINE: I use time out, but you guys can implement something else, but timeouts are handy for the consistency part - that you and DH can implement without discussion or the other one being there. The point is, they get told in the warning stage what will happen, then in the discipline stage they get told again why they are getting disciplined and what the discipline is. Then once it's over, you tell them again why they got disciplined, that xyz is not allowed, and you ask for an apology. If you don't get it, they can stay in timeout. Once they've apologized, you accept, hugs kisses and fresh start.
FAMILY ROUTINES: We have a consistent wake-up time and bed-time, meal times are pretty regular, and habits are very regular. For example, dinner is around 6pm. Before dinner kid gets into jammies, after dinner shoes on (and now that it's summer, pants as well lol), and we go for a walk.... to the garbage/recycling containers at the end of the road. Then we go back, and it's time for a story, cuddles, and bedtime. 7pm and wahoo adult time. In your shoes, I'd adjust this so that when DH comes home he greets everyone but then takes 15 minutes for himself. And that every couple of hours - say after every meal/snack - he sets the timer for 30 minutes and it's quiet time, with everyone in their own room doing something quiet.
He has to train them to be more self-sufficient when he's around. There's a reason he hasn't done that. Maybe he doesn't know how, but in a lot of cases, parents feel like they don't get enough time with their kids and they don't want to do any disciplining because it's not the fun part of having kids.
I believe he is.. We've
I believe he is.. We've talked about it a lot and this situation is new to us. My kids have been in the picture since the beginning but the situation with his is new. He just got visitation at the end of June to start seeing his children regularly. It's a high conflict BM and her way to hurt him was withholding the kids who ultimately paid the price.
We've been working on house rules and routines. We had already set up everything with mine so it's more so getting EVERYONE on the same page now and laying them out so they are understood. We do like you suggested, warn them 1-2 times and then discipline. We've been pretty lucky so far but I've noticed within the past couple of visits they're testing their boundaries more but I expected that once they got comfortable and the honeymoon period ended.
I have to say he's really stepped up and is trying, it's just we're at a loss on how to deal with some things or he doesn't immediately see it as something like I do until later on or after the fact.
Agreed.. When my kids come
Agreed.. When my kids come into the room and want to snuggle up next to me or just be near me I'm ok with that but I'm not moving to suit them. They're more than welcome to come sit next to me if there is room or I'll tell them to wait a little bit or direct them to another area to sit.
It's just kind of crappy.. With my kids it's easy going, everything flows well and I don't stop whatever I'm doing to bend to whatever they want at the moment. When it comes to his kids it's like he can't multitask. It's either one or the other. He can't remain laying or sitting by me and spend time with them also. It's either sit by me and they're busy doing something else or he has to move away and devote his total attention to them.
He will literally sit/lay on the couch for hours with them clinging to him the entire time. One day he laid there with one of them on each side and SD6 fell asleep and woke up multiple times in the same position. She laid on his chest and draped her leg(s) over him. Perhaps I'm just jealous? But it reminds me of how he and I lay or cuddle. It's offputting.
I think DH really needs to
I think DH really needs to step up with the discipline, as you said, they listen to you while he's not there, but seem to find it hard to do the same when he *is* there. He has to be consistent and ignore the pouts and crying. Very manipulative behaviour, and if DH falls for it, then he's got a lot more work cut out for him in future.
Also as Sassy said, DH should *never* leave you while having a cuddle in order to allow hugs from skids. That's worrying. Sometimes my SS5 asks DH for a hug as soon as he sees DH start hugging me. DH's response is " I'm cuddling Sunny right now" ..has a good long hug with me (doesn't rush it in order to placate SS) then says "right SS, c'mere for that hug!"
Your DH is essentially teaching the kids that they're a priority and that you/your feelings don't matter.
I had the clingy problem with SS5 (with ME! not DH! lol) when DD2 first arrived, I think he was scared I wouldn't love him anymore now baby was here. He wanted to be hugged by me literally all the time, it was hard work with a newborn. I blogged about it here. ( I deleted a few blogs though, that being one of them)
And one SM said something that hadn't even occurred to me, that children need to learn boundaries with cuddles and laying all over people. Sometimes the other person doesn't want to cuddle, and it's ok to say that to a kid.
They have to learn that, for appropriate relationships with others (friends their own age AND adults) and to learn respect for others bodies/ personal space. It's also important they know that those same rules apply to themselves. If *they* don't want a hug, they should be allowed to say so. Tell DH it's an essential life skill that he is teaching his daughters!
At first I was real nervous at the thought of telling SS "no hugs thanks" I guess I was just concerned in case I hurt SS feelings. Ok so the first time I did it, I said "SS, I don't feel like cuddling right now, (look of absolute SHOCK on SS' face, and he looked like he was gona start crying) ..but why don't we do XYZ activity instead?" (SS then happy to participate in whatever game I suggested)
I thought "awesome!" but then IMMEDIATELY after the game was done, he said "cuddle now?" LOL it took a while but I just kept suggesting different things to do (sometimes with me, sometimes on his own) and gradually he became less obsessed with needing hugs from me.
I think he found confidence in other types of bonding (playing games/ reading a book to him etc). Rather than seeking reassurance in the form of a hug, he found it in spending time together. It was a huge relief to have my own body back, I was breastfeeding my newborn at the time, so felt I only had the energy to have one little cling monster!
To be honest he is still even now, a little obsessed with hugs!!! But at least now he understands that if I don't want a hug from him, that's ok. He learnt that essential life skill of respecting others personal space.
Maybe you could look up some websites on how to help clingy children not be so clingy?
Also look for some books for DH to read to both skids, I just did a brief internet search and came up with these, they might help explain to the skids that not everyone wants cuddles when *they* want them?
'No More Cuddles!' by Jane Chapman
'Claydon Was A Clingy Child' by Cressida Cowell
'Miles Is The Boss Of His Body' by Samantha Kurtzman-Counter
If DH keeps it lighthearted and maybe after reading the book, if one of them tries to smother him, he could say something like "hey! I'm starting to feel like poor Miles! c'mon I don't feel like cuddling right now, let's do XYZ activity WITH LAMOMMA instead"
(only if you're up for that of course, I'm not sure if you feel left out because of not spending time with DH alone, or if you're feeling left out/excluded within their little circle of 3.. but if it's the latter, then DH encouraging you to be included would knock the cling factor out the window while including you)
All of this will only work if DH is willing to change certain things of course. The most important one in my opinion is DH understanding that he shouldn't leave you to cuddle skids
That will only build resentment on your part, and also empower the skids into thinking they're the queens of the house, not you. If that continues, they may start not listening to you, as daddy has shown them you're not as important as they are.
I wonder if he could even say to the skids "hey guys why don't you go play XYZ game in the other room, I feel like having alone time LAmomma" if they retaliate with "but WE feel like having time with you!" perhaps he could say "my feelings aren't important? go on now, go have fun with game/ movie etc, we can hang out later and have fun together then" I don't know if that's a good suggestion or not, but maybe worth thinking about? I think if he tries that, it'd be important to say that's what HE wants, and what would make HIM happy. No mention of what YOU want, as that would inevitably translate in their head "LAmomma is taking dad away"
Also DH *needs* to follow through on him disciplining them, and making sure skids do as they're told by *both* of you.
Good Luck, I really hope DH steps up for the sake of your marriage, and also not raising bratty kids (who turn into much harder to deal with bratty teenagers lol)
Just a last minute thought, I wonder if there are any websites/ articles or even books you could suggest to your DH on how to balance being a good dad and being a good husband to a stepmom? (that last part is important "stepmom" as we all know, it's a very different thing to "mom")
Little update: kids are here
Little update: kids are here this weekend. Things have been going pretty good. We watched the movie HOME last night. I came to sit down and told both spouse and SD6 to move so I could get comfortable and have a spot. I sprawled out on the sectional and spouse laid next to me. SD6 moved, started pouting and about to cry because she got the boot. He ended up letting her curl up on the other side of him because he told her she could lay with him.
Just now we are sitting on the couch once again. My two kids are sitting on the opposite side, I'm in my spot with spouse next to me and SD3 is sitting next to him. SD6 is sitting in a chair across the room. SD6 eventually comes and sprawls out all over his lap. I say I'm going take a bath and that I'll be back. I come back from my bath and they're each on the side of him. I sit back in my spot which puts SD6 inbetween us now. She lays there a few mins then slinks back to her chair across the room. When he asks why she moved she is quiet and doesn't answer him.
She eventually comes back and lays on his lap again.
So... Opinions?
She's testing you both and is
She's testing you both and is successfully manipulating your DH into feeling guilty enough to comment on it.
This is all on your DH. He needs to put a stop to it right now, or it will get much worse. She's a mini-wife in the making and will amp her game, the more she succeeds. Your hubby is also aware, on some deep level, of what she's doing and he's playing right into her hands - hell, he might even be getting a kick out of it. It's all well and good to hug and cuddle with your kid..but when she's making a play for his attention every single time, his wife wants to sit next to him? Nope..that shit needs to be cut down now.
It's ok to give her a hug and tell her to sit down elsewhere as couples tend to sit together and relax - it's not ok to expect to have prime position in the lounge.
I'd be telling hubby to start teaching his kid how to respect adults and stop acting entitled and spoilt, or he's gonna end up with a nightmare on his hands.