Feeling excluded
Sorry for the long post! My SO and I have been dating for about 6 years on and off, mostly because of the lack of boundaries he set with his BMs. I have a bio daughter and we are currently expecting our first child together. He has 3 kids from previous relationships and 2 BMs. We live 7.5 hours from all 3 kids. His BMs are constantly making him feel guilty about not living in the same area as his kids since he only sees them about once every two months and then they come here for the summer. The entire time we have dated I have never been able to go with him to visit the kids and his reasoning is that he says the kids are jealous that he spends so much time with me throughout the year and don’t want me coming. It was so much drama when they (kids and mothers) found out I was pregnant and now things are 10x worse. They don’t want to even come here for the summer. There’s no custody order in place bc my SO walks on pins and needles for these women and doesn’t like to upset them. Not to mention they have never dated again since him and are constantly calling throughout the day even when the kids are not around. The kids don’t have that much going on in their lives for their moms to call so much. He claims the calls are brief and only about the kids.
My concern is at what point does my SO make a stand and respect me when it comes to his kids and their moms. It’s not fair that I only see them once a year for a few weeks and when they come it’s like they are on my turf and things are super awkward. I love them and want to be apart of their life but hey I’m treated like the outsider. We just recently moved in together and he’s been wanting to see my credit report and have us combine things so we can move forward with purchasing a house together. I don’t feel comfortable doing that at this point because I feel he only wants to be a family and have a partnership when he’s here but he excludes me from his other life and sees nothing wrong with it. It’s like the one thing that I have that’s a secret bc I’ve been totally transparent and respectful towards him with everything else when I don’t get the same in return. I want to make this work especially with the baby on the way but idk what else to do. Im tired of talking to him about the same things. Am I wrong for feeling this way?
Trust your gut. His prior
Trust your gut. His prior relationship spawning history and the catering to his two XWs makes him far less than the equity life partner to you that he should be.
He is going to have to put you as his priority and not allow his past to interfere with your marriage or with your raising of your child. Since the smell test is off with him, be careful.
There is some good news, he has proven that he has no spine or ability to stand up to his baby mamas. Since you are about to join team baby mama, he won't stand up to you either.
So, build your plan and message to him regarding how he will address the elder kids and get his two prior womb donors in line.
Congratulations on the baby and good luck.
Welcome to the site! Your
Welcome to the site! Your instincts are spot on about this man's ability to set boundaries, and until he remedies this, I wouldn't buy a house with him or make any further commitment. He is allowing his children and exes to have too much power and is downplaying your role in his life, which is totally inappropriate. Some men feel more powerful if they have two or more sets of dependents at war over their time and resources, whom they keep well apart, the better to stoke the fire. It is a sign of a weak character.
Well, there's no right or
Well, there's no right or wrong in feelings, they just are.
Unfortunately, you've tied yourself to this man by getting pregnant, so that makes it more complicated. I don't think withholding your financial information as tit-for-tat because he won't take you to see his kids during the year is a great way to start off a long-term commitment, though, and it just sets the stage for your relationship to become a dysfunctional one.
Instead, be honest with him - you aren't sure this can work long-term unless there is some discussion about the skids and the BMs as well as the financial stuff.
Be careful what you wish for though - this kind of BM really ramps up the crazy when their ex sets boundaries on them.
We have had those talks but I
We have had those talks but I feel as if it gets nowhere because he cares so much about how the kids feel. Which he learns about their feelings through the moms mostly and of course they make everything seem as if it's his fault or guilt trip him.
The craziness has already started. His son is 13yo. The mom always says things like "He's the only boy he deserves his own time with you" even though my SO goes out of this way to do guy things with him and spend one-on-one attention. When she found out I was pregnant with a boy, her and the son both exploded. Having his only son was the one thing she could constantly hold over his head.
That is a whole lot of baby
That is a whole lot of baby mommas and kids that the dude has (almost) outright abandoned. I don't feel likea responsible man would move seven hours away from his children from... the first TWO babymommas.
No red flags, sirens, whistles, bells? Not a little rattle on the door? Nothing?
This is just....
I'll keep my opinion to myself.
No need to be rude. His kids are 13,12 and 7. They were not abandoned and he’s a great father to them. He was offered a great job opportunity elsewhere where he met me. It was a temporary 2 year employment to get a start up business up and running but he ended up settling down here. Things happen. That was 6 years ago. You can’t say the kids are abandoned when he talks to them daily and sees them often even considering he lives so far away.
Trust, I know the difference. My bio daughter’s dad moved 1,000 miles away and has seen her 3 times in the past 5 years and makes no attempt to call. That’s abandonment.
oh please
He is NOT a great father. He first tells them he will be gone for two years, then does not come back? And you complain when he calls their mom, saying not much going on with the kids???
I think if is very bad when a parent moves away (although I understand, and appreciate when military service people have to move). It WILL decrease contact with kids. Even a CO may not resovle contact issues.
Maybe he is a better father than the father of your kid, but that does NOT make him a great father.
I would not combine money with him, but I would not have had a kid with him either.
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You have to face the facts
One, you will most likely never have a relationship with your SK. And your Bio child will not have a big brother or big sister. Two, if you move closer to SK it’s going to be worst for you. Already SK are getting there way by not having you around. Looks like SK hold the power.
You will be better to disengage from SK because Szk have disengage from you. Your will be mush happier with out SK in your life. Just make your family with DH and your kid number one. Do family things, vacations, ect.
So many red flags here....
So many red flags here.....too many for me! Please re-read below all the issues that are occuring because of lack of boundaries.
The entire time we have dated I have never been able to go with him to visit the kids and his reasoning is that he says the kids are jealous that he spends so much time with me throughout the year and don’t want me coming. The fact that he hasn't addressed this throughout the time you both have been dating has set the stage for more problems down the line.
There’s no custody order in place bc my SO walks on pins and needles for these women and doesn’t like to upset them. You can't have a healthy marriage/relationship with someone who fears the other women he had children with over you. Nothing but more problems down the line.
My concern is at what point does my SO make a stand and respect me when it comes to his kids and their moms. If he hasn't done so now and given all the issues stated above I'm not sure if he'll ever do it. If he does it's going to get real bad before it gets better.
You are also going to have a child with him and from the sounds of it no one is happy about it but its not for them to like. How is your SO addressing this? Is he going to keep hiding you? Is he not going to make it KNOWN that you are his woman and wants a life with you?
We just recently moved in together and he’s been wanting to see my credit report and have us combine things so we can move forward with purchasing a house together. He's asking you for your credit report but lacks the ability to set strong boundaries and address problems when they arise. I'd really think about purchasing a house with this man. If he's not able to stand up to his X's and continues hiding you and not standing in his truth than I wouldn't do it. You'd be setting yourself up for a world of chaos, stress and hurt. Really reconsider this.