Aren't you a supportive peach chitchat?  Wow!

OP, it happens....sometimes we end up with deadbeat dads and we didn't know how bad it would be...a lot of men also turn vindictive and financially punish the children -though to them they are punishing you- by withholding CS, etc because you dared to leave their sorry as*

1.  If your ex is not paying CS, why are you not pursuing action against him.  Do you have a CS order?  In most places, you can pursue collection of an existing order without an attorney.

2.  Is your DH's ex not feeding, housing or clothing his kids he can and should go for custody.  She may need a car too.  Not certain why you object to other stuff, are you saying that she is living in unsafe quarters, not feeding them?  It is legitimate use of CS to feed and house kids.  

3.  Your DH likely does not have to pay for 1/2 of one off things, but may want to.  If my DH said I could not pay for extras for my kid, or could only pay 1/2, I would tell him to stick it. You may want to consider seperating funds, and having each of you pay a proportionate share (based on income, how many kids there, etc).   

You cannot change your ex, but you can change how you deal with him.   

have.  I get no child support but I chose that.  I do 50/50 with my ex.  I felt it was for the best if my children actually get both of their parents instead of more cash for myself.  But the BM in my story, we shall call her North Korea, is a vain and stupid woman.  She too got $1000 a month in child support and spent in on fake boobs, juvederm, botox, fake nails, spray tans and you name it.  She wouldn't buy her kids health insurance and one was very ill with undiagnosed diabetes and the other had ADHD and was failing.  She wouldn't let DD4's dad parent.  She knew best about everything and was controlling and a terrible mother.  She would redecorate her new husband's home with wooden ceilings and buy horses and barns.  She just got a pool and an outdoor kitchen put in. So it used to make me sick, sick sick.  Especially when I had to get her kids health insurance cause she wouldn't buy them policies.

so how did this story end?  Cause it did.  Former Youngest SD turned 18 last week.  Child support has ended.  She gets nothing now.  She is over $80,000 in debt.  I know this because a year ago she stupidly tried to get more child support when the oldest SD aged out and his lawyer did a financial discovery on her.  She not only lost but the judge gave him back credit for overpayment so actually her pay day ended before SD18's birthday.  Sd18 barely passed high school and has no job or career prospects.  She has been raised to only care about looks and vanity.  She's the one who sent out her highschool graduation annoucement in see through negligee instead of a cap and gown.

and me?  I've climbed the career ladder and am about to be one of the highest paid women in my company.  I'm about to be making in the six figures and I'll because I've worked her since I was 20, I'll get 60 percent of my salary upon my retirement for my pension.  I've raised my four kids to value education and trust me, they'll all be college bound.  I'm doing well and my kids are doing well.  And she's poor and stupid.  So just do you.  Her behavior will catch up with her.

I’m opposite to where my SO works and pays his fair share. For BM to still continue to need-like monthly!

A message she sent him-“SD was watching tv and wants to do gym now. She still wants to do ball to. Do you think you could help. Once I finish school I will be able to help more!” 

It frankly pisses me off! No it’s called get a job and work. I was once a single parent and kmow the struggles first hand. I had to take out student loans to help support my boys and I while I was in school. She done this when she wasn’t in school and working. 

CS flows out of our house even with 50/50. Incomes share state.  SO brings in the greater percentage of total monthly income so his share of the cost to raise the kids is 60ish% of that total income.  The calculation is an income equalization, nothing more nothing less.

BM is a hot mess all the way around but she's impressively fiscally dense.  Or irresponsible.  However you'd like to look at it.  She nickels and dimes every chance she gets (you should see her recent request to change the order) and is always crying poor.  She is somehow always broke.  And our household picks up the cost of skids clothes, school, medical, the majority of ECs on top of CS.

Her inability to adult and even pretend to manage her money responsibly is beyond frustrating.  I have a hard time excusing her dumb when she's being a demanding controlling money grubber.  But when I step back I look at it like everything else with her - I can't control her (heck it seems even she can't control her!) and I pity the way she goes through life.

I have to admit, I made the decision to get involved with SO eyes wide open.  Sure there are some variables you can't fully account for - like just how intense and quickly the resentment can grow or how a grown woman can so easily behave beyond comprehension.  But I recognize my decision to get involved and continue on this path.  I also recognize the decisions he made in life to get to this point were not traps or manipulations or bad luck.  He was no victim.  He was just really bad at life at that point in time.  I choose to love him anyway.  And that doesn't make me a victim, either.  

How do you deal with the neighbor driving a bigger car than you? Or your boss getting a bigger paycheck than you?

Lots of people have more than you, but you don't fret over it. And that's exactly how you deal with thoughts of your lazy ex when BM is living it up -- put it right out of your mind.

In your comparison of your financial situation to hers, you're only looking at cash -- look at the choices you made that weren't about money. You could have chosen a wealthier guy, but you chose this guy. You made that choice because of him, not because of his financial situation. So forget about what she gets. You still get the wonderful guy you chose. That's the price we pay for our choices -- see? Your choices got you some great things too, so don't disregard them.

And as for your lazy sperm donor, well, hell, you like your kids, don't you? You got something great out of that lazy man, so forget about the money.

I guess I'm saying, the half-empty glass is also half full. When some of these people on here tell you "Well, that's the choice you made," they are right. Don't resent them for saying it. They ARE the choices you made and you got a great guy and great kids out of those choices, so be proud of what you have because of your choices. Don't let what someone else has diminish the great things you have. That's a potentially good day wasted on something that doesn't matter.

My SO pays child support. If I think about it too much I get really angry. A 3rd of his check goes to a woman who drops the kids on us every second she can. Who always looks top notch while last weekend we picked the kids up and the youngest had a shirt from 2 years ago that was so small his belly was showing and the sweatpants he was wearing were 3 inches above his ankles.

The thing is there’s nothing I can do. I do believe SO should support his kids but I think the amount is far too much consider he also supports them in our home and there’s no oversite on what BM does with the money.

So I don’t think about it. The way I see it that money is a bill SO has to pay. That’s it. I can’t change any other bill we have to pay, I just pay it and that’s the end of it. It helps that SO pays directly from his check so we never see the money directly. That takes away some of the sting.

One final thing to remember. Your relationship and custody order with your ex has nothing to do with his relationship and custody order with his ex. They are two completely different issues. If your upset about your ex not giving you child support then focus on that and deal with it. If you can’t fix it then drop it but your partners paying child support has no connection with your ex not.