FDH Let SS13 write a list of things he doesnt like about me
So yesterday my SS13 came back from his BM's house where he celebrated his 13th birthday (it's really today.) We have had custody of him for about 2 months and I've started to realize that when he gets back from his mom's house he is really snotty to me. We have a great relationship so this is new territory for me. When I try talking to DH about it he just says its his age and he'll grow out of it(very unsupportive!) Well last night (after shopping all day for his B-day and making lasagna and his cake) he is very snarky to me at the dinner table. DH said something to him about it and he looked right at me and said "you always do this!" I had no idea what he was talking about and then he said that he wanted to say something to me but didn't want to hurt my feelings. DH then suggested he write it down to make it easier. While he was doing that DH and I sat of the couch and I told him that letting his son write a list of things he doesn't like about me goes against everything I believe in and asked him how he would feel if SS did that to him. I told him it made me feel like walking out the effing door and not coming back. He said that he didn't see anything wrong with it. SS gave me the list which i did not let DH read because it's none of his business and the things on the list were so ridiculous it was laughable. One was that he can hear me chew. Really?! Anyway, I went upstairs to calm down and I come back and SS is on the couch with DH and FDH is comforting SS! No comfort for me. I really cannot believe that he thinks it's okay to let his son write a list of things he doesn't like about me. I am so angry at my husband, more so than SS13 because SS doesn't know this behavior is wrong unless DH tells him it is! This cannot go on for much longer because I am giving and giving and getting nothing back in return.
Then hand your Dh a list
Then hand your Dh a list detailing what you don't like about him. Top item on the list should be encouraging SS to freely disparage SM.
Even if your DH is fine
Even if your DH is fine chalking it all up to age, it isn't something he'll outgrow if he isn't taught that it's inappropriate. Your DH ignoring it being willing to wait it out in hopes it's simply a phase that will pass is ignorance on your DH's part, & will allow his son to grow up learning that it's acceptable to be an asshole.
Poor behavior requires attention & parenting. If the kid has a problem discussing things he takes issue with, maybe having him write it down & following through with discussion is appropriate. At least it would open some communication. However, something like that can go both ways, as sap suggested.
We get what we give. If he has criticism to handout, criticism is what he'll get in return. No one is entitled to throw stones without the risk of having them thrown back.
Your DH is allowing his son to run your household, & it will not end well...for any of you. If your DH isn't willing to have your back, he's throwing your marriage in the dump.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your comments! I understand and take to heart everything that is written. Danger_Kitty, what you said is very reassuring and is something I need to present to my husband. I agree writing things down is a good way to get out feelings that can't be easily articulated and I love the fact that you Husband then goes through the list with him. This can be so helpful!