Favoritism
How do others deal with SO who clearly gives one of their children special treatment? I'm only asking for constructive answers please, don't need to be told to leave DH. This is probably the biggest issue we have.
His kids are annoying as can possibly be, but he is really working on particular issues mostly for my sake. It's just the way he treats one of his kids is almost as if he puts him on a pedestal. I know he feels closer to this kid than the others, especially the oldest who can be extremely rude to him, so maybe that is partly it.
The problem for me is I feel like he thinks this child is more important than my kids, which we do take care of our own for the most part so I don't expect everything to be equal. But there have just been instances in the past, he seems to think my kids should include him more but to be honest I can see why they don't. He can be bossy and tattle to his dad if he doesn't get his way, then the others get in trouble. To me this is crap.
Then there is the issue of feeling like DH treats him more like an equal and less like a child. This somehow makes me feel jealous or in competition with him as immature as that sounds. DH is in denial and does not think he treats him differently, but I see things differently. Then I wonder if I read into things too much. But the balance is off at times and I don't like feeling less than to a 12 yo boy, I also feel guilty for not wanting DH to be in the middle.
Here is my example. We are all doing online school and work from home. My job includes talking to customers on the phone. SS is in band and for some reason they have been playing during class. He goes to the furthest away room but the music can not be contained. I worry about getting in trouble at work because it's not real professional to have band music in the background. When I tell DH how this isn't working and ask if he can play and tape his music when I'm not working, and also all the other kids aren't trying to do their work, I didn't get the response I was hoping for. He said he's open to make it work but would try to muffle the sound more. I said my job is more important than any of the kids extracurricular activities as great as they are, but during these weird times I am the one paying the bills, not the kid. I said I don't want him to quit but can he just not play when I am working? He did give in but I just felt like it caused drama that didn't need to be there. I felt less than his 12 yo activities and it didn't feel good.
Again, I don't want to bash on DH, it's just a dynamic I don't think would occur if these were all our bio kids together. I'm sick of these issues and just needing to vent. I really wish he would begin treating his son like a kid and not a special snowflake though. I was attracted to him because he's an involved dad but sometimes it's not always a good thing.
band class?
In my school district band is an actual class with grades. If SS is doing online school and band class is during your working hours, SS may have to play during class. But, that should be the only time SS should be playing during working hours. He can practice during non work hours.
The issue you have is not so
The issue you have is not so much favoritism it's first: that you are existing as two families that live under one roof and second: your stepson is being spousified by your husband.
For you both to treat all the kids equally and as if they are all your own is a lot to ask. A better goal would be to have the same expectations and discipline system for all the kids and for the adults to treat them all with kindness and respect.
As for your husband that treats his son as if he is another decision-making adult in the household, this can be corrected if you have a conversation with your husband about the discipline and expectations for all of the kids. Approach it from the standpoint that you want it to be the same for all of them for fairness. Tell him that it's important for you that all the kids treat each other and the adults with respect and that consistency between all the kids is important because if they notice differences in treatment they are going to become resentful and this could lead to further behavioral problems. Try not to be accusatory and if he starts giving you examples of what you're doing direct it back into how you want a consistent system for all the kids and that's why you're talking about it. it's also important for each set of kids to have time one-on-one with their bio parent and with the opposite parent in order to bond.
all of these things as well as how you guys are splitting your financial resources and how much is getting spent on the kids is something that you need to talk about and renegotiate a lot as your relationship develops ideally this should have happened before you moved in together. Now that you are already there you have to have these conversations until you come to something you can both agree on or the resentment will just grow for you and your kids.
"Spousified". I love that
"Spousified". I love that word.
Thanks for that new term. I think it should be used liberally in the blended family world in reference to coddled, worshiped, mini "spousified" spawn.
It sounds so much more legit
It sounds so much more legit than "mini wife" and encompasses "mini husbands" as well!
Absolutely. I will steal
Absolutely. I will steal your word and use it.
I love your profile name. It says it all.
I will say as a manager, one
I will say as a manager, one of my staff was in a meeting and we could hear her son playing Tuba from 2 floors above her - and it was a source of amusement. Unless your boss is a tyrant, he/she should understand that COVID means kids and parents all home together all day. That is - if his son has to play then because it's for a class. If not for a class, he needs to play another time.
It's yucky that your SO treats one of his kids like a special snowflake though. The others must resent that.
I feel kind of like a jerk
Because this child is not always doing bad things and this example shows. He's not into drugs or anything but I already judge DH as treating him special so maybe I need to work on the way I see things too.
Special status is not
Special status is not something that should be granted. It has to be earned or the drive to perform will in all liklihood be lost to a kid. Existance is not special. Performing above the basic acceptable level is special. Less than that is meh at best.
I get your frustration with your DH in his crowing the Skid with "special" status that may not be earned.
The tendency for parents to go to the "but they are not doing drugs, are not criminals, have not made someone pregnant or gotten anyone pregnant, and they are not failing out of school" place with clearly un-special child performance has always baffled me. My response to those parents is "well, I certainly hope not" with the clear tone that I am not impressed.
Kids who peform to their capabilities and a bit beyond are most certainly special, even if their capability level is basic. Kids who are capable of stellar and only deliver meh, are nowhere near special and should not be celebrated as special.
IMHO of course.
I have heard my parents give the message any number of times to me or my brothers "If this was all you were capable of we would be proud of you. But we know you and know that this is you slacking. So, quit sandbagging, start performing to your capability and make yourself proud. Do that and you will make us proud."