A little backstory I met my now husband when my step kids were 3 & 5. I quickly came to realize that their BM was a narcissist and neglectful. The kids asked to call me mom within the first year and my stepson quickly became a stepmama’s boy. Despite our best efforts we have not been able to protect them from their BMs neglect. They are on a 50/50 schedule and spend most of the time in third party care when with BM or are taken care of by their half sister who is now15 and by their account is not nice to them. There have been ongoing issues of neglect and abuse and it’s lead to a lot of trauma and behaviour issues. She doesn’t know their clothing sizes, she’s never taken them to any of their doctors, dentist or eye appointments, she doesn’t throw them birthday parties, etc. A revolving door of boyfriends, many of whom she’s tried to insist they call dad, has caused a lot of issues. A social worker has been present since the kids were small but is involved only with the BM and has not been effective in making positive change. I loved my step kids from the start and my heart broke for what they are going through. At 5 my stepdaughter told my mother upon meeting her that her real mom doesn’t really love her and my stepson has told me more than once he was glad that he had me as a mom because at least he has one mom who takes care of him properly. I never know what to say to these things, I don’t want to give them false hope and lie so I just tell them how sorry I am. Their dad and I have tried our best to help them with their communication and relationship with their BM, sticking firmly to reality instead of trying to give them false hope to move them to accept that not everyone is the same and that we need to accept that and find ways to essentially make lemons out of lemonade. Fast forward to the present they are 7&9 (almost 8&10) and their behaviours are off the chart. They are desperate for their BMs love and approval and for her to pay attention to them so they lie about what’s going on to social workers. My stepdaughter has lied about us to their social worker to try and please her BM (luckily the worker knew what was going on) and that really broke our relationship. She’s become a bully to less fortunate kids and steals. My stepson especially has had so many issues at school with extreme behaviours and it looks like he may be kicked from hockey for his behaviours we have pulled out all the stops for them both. we have taken seminars and read countless books and spend so much time and money on them (not really on things but on activities). He’s had numerous assessments to get him diagnosed to get him the proper help and we have spent so much money. They both now have therapists that cost 600$ a month. She’s in guides and he’s in hockey and BM agreed to take them to their activities on her time but never does. We have gone into major debt fighting for them in court and with mediators and to try get them all this help. This was mostly at the urging of my husband. Because BM is a narcissist she tries to create trouble at every opportunity. At this point I feel so guilty because I’ve detached emotionally from them. I know they both love me and their father but they cause non stop trouble and it’s exhausting to deal with. I’ve begun to resent them and I dread when they come home. They have become cruel and disrespectful. They are best behaved when in our home but it’s exhausting to manage them and it’s constant issues to deal with school. We are doing everything we can for them but not seeing any improvement and can’t make any headway with their BM. I’m at my whits end because this has gone on for years. We had another child recently and they love him, but I’m so scared for him because of the atmosphere and disfunction they bring into the house. I wanted to be able to have two babies, that’s what my husband and I agreed on when we decided to get married, but their behaviours require so much from us, we have gone into so much debt to support them, and my husband now has to work a lot of overtime so it’s a lot at home put on me so now there’s really no possible way to responsibly have another child which breeds even more resentment. This wasn’t what I signed up for and I really don’t know what to do anymore. I love my husband, he is a wonderful father and partner but resentment towards him as well is starting to creep in. I just feel constant guilt but Im also angry and so burnt out. Any advice would be helpful.