I was very pleased to find a site such as this where maybe I could get some advice from others such as me. Since I am new to this site going to give you a little back ground on me. I have very firm beliefs on raising children. I feel it is my job to set out strong, confident, independent children into this world when they become adults.

My H and I have been together for 4 years and between us we have my BS 19, my BD 14 and his BD 9. When we were dating we all did things together as a family and it was enjoyable and I felt very good for the kids. We blended our family 3 years ago and things then started to change. We have SD every other weekend, Thursday nights(all night and take her to school on Friday) and whenever BM has something that she finds more important to do then be a Mom. Our home is in complete caos because of constant schedule changes and BM disregard for time or plans in our home. I feel as if it is my H responsibility to put his foot down and express to her that this is not acceptable. He then gets angry with me and tells me I dont want him to have anything to do with his BD. When this happens he either continues with our plans but completely ignores me, snuggles with the daughter and treats her as if she is the adult with him in the situation. If my BD goes with us he is rude to her and treats her as if she should feel blessed that she is even being allowed to be a part of the plans. Or he has even left with SD and continued on with our plans but excluded me. I have expressed that maybe if we fought for full custody of SD that it would give us some consistency in our home. He says that is not something he is willing to do.
I also need to state that when SD is not with us he is loving to my BD and he and I rarely argue because we parent my children together. No mater how ugly he gets with BD and no matter how bad he hurts her she always forgives and loves.
I am exhausted in this situation having tried to have adult conversation about his behavior, going to couincling over this, trying to distance myself from them so that he can have special time with SD. Thinking maybe with time and growth of our blended family things would get better. Occasionally they do and we have fun once again as a family. However it has been a rough couple of months and I blew up this weekend. The SD has been with us almost every weekend and her acting out has increased. She has been very aggressive with H about how much fun they have when it is just the two of them. Extremely whinney when we do things together. Of course instead of correcting her he babies and we either go home or he withdraws from everyone and sits with her alone. This weekend we where having a family gathering and SD was so aggressive with other children that she would not share Wii. I corrected her and told her that she knew my rules where that we share and everyone gets a turn. We set things up for another child that is 5 to play her turn and SD threw a fit and was so ugly with the 5 year old that she came running out crying. I again corrected my SD and told her behavior was not acceptable and she need to behave. SD then started crying to H who told her he would fix it by running to the house and getting her puppy and blankie (keep in mind SD is 9). He left to do this and SD once again took over control of games. I corrected her again and games were taken away from her. When H returned she whinned to him and had a melt down. Instead of correcting her he sat on the floor beside her as she had a melt down. When I walked in on this I asked him to leave the room and for her to dry up tears and compose herself. He off course got angry and told me he was trying to parent. I then told him to go with the other adults and to leave me with SD. I was very firm and told her that I was unhappy with her and that would not allow her to behave this way. He ended up getting her shoes and said that we were going home. H started yelling at me once we got into car and I stood my ground and told him he behaved in a manner that he would not accept from me and then turned and told SD that I wanted her to become a child that others enjoyed being around.
P
H is now very distant and I need much advice from all of you out there on how to continue.