Hi Lost,
I know how you feel. But I also know that wasting my time trying to understand will get me nowhere. Most of us here who are BMs have decent relationships with our exes for the sake of our children. Some of us SMs even have good relationships with our skids' BM. But in order for that to take place everyone has to be on the same page and mature enough to be open to it.
TBH, if by now she hasn't warmed up at least a little I would just forget it. As long as she doesn't intrude on your marriage you can live your life with DH and let her live hers with whoever she wants.
In her mind she has her reasons. And in her mind those reasons make sense. So I would just let it be.

lostandfrustrated... My husbands ex hates me too.. I don't think that it is that uncommon. There have been times in the past that we have gotten along.. as long as I agreed with something she wanted or was doing.

When we haven't agreed with her, she is immature and hateful.. she likes to stir the pot with my SD... So I wish I had some advice you could use..I would use it myself..What I have realized is that she is unhappy and resents the fact that my DH and I for the most part are.. I think she looks at our life and jealous that her life is so sh***y.. But I really believe in Reaping what you sow in this life, and as much as I may want to try unless she gets what she wants she is impossible... You have to get to the point where you can ignore her and be happy without wanting to understand why she is the way she is with you..

Unhappy2happy

oh, mine too. it doesn't seem to get better, either, no matter what i do.

My DH's ex hates me too. I couldn't care less. I'm way past wanting everyone to like me, especially a crazy woman. I hope you can just let it go.

I think my dh's BM's issues have more to do with dh and not with me. When we first were together she called me to blast dh out of the water. She told me what a bad husband he woould be, how much he ruined her life, how he would cheat on me, how he was a drinker, a bad father, etc.

I realized that she wasn't trying to "warn me" because she was trying to be my friend, nor did she really hate me, but that she was just a mean, vidictive person who really hated her ex-husband.

Does she like me... nope. Will she ever... nope. She has judged me without even knowing me. I don't really know her, and don't really care to.

My husband's ex hates me, too. She was always insecure about me, but at first she was nice enough, as long as I agreed with her on everything.

At this point, it will only change if she wants it to change. You need to just let it go and completely disengage from this. She's doing this to bait you and make you feel uncomfortable and illegitimate. So, stop caring, stop feeling uncomfortable, and stop wanting it to change or attempting to change it. You're playing into her game: She gets to continually reject you. She LOVES that. If you stop allowing her opportunities to treat you like crap and reject you, then you take her toy away.

BB

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

My ss5's bm has recently started saying to dh that i hate her. she makes a point to tell him that i hate her as much as possible actually. im not really sure where she gets it from.. ive never spoken to her or met her and never had an occasion to. she has screamed and screamed about me and called me every name in the book, and put my family and i through serious emotional trauma and stress. she has asked a couple times to speak to me and has been relatively rational and not wreaked havok recently but im not ready to go there.. there have been many calms before the storm in my experience with her. just the flipside of the coin i guess.

"if you don't have anything nice to say, then shut the fuck up."

In my 7 years of a blended relationship, I have learned that some people will never be happy. (My husband's ex had been through numerous relationships...even went lesbian at one point.) Don't beat yourself up. You need to move on and get over trying to smooth things out. She may see this as a weekness and that is why she is so awful to you.

Case and point...my husband will not stand up to his ex, period. I asked him to text her and let her know that I was on the way. I also asked him to make sure they understood that I would be at he mother's house (she's 41 and living with Momma) within a 30 minute period. When I went to pick up his son today, she said he couldn't go with me. So, fine I told her. You get him to karate, you pay the bill, and I walked off. Before I was down the steps, he was with me.

You have to be steel-hearted. She will never be your friend, get over it and move on. You have your husband to think of and his children when they are in your home.

One more thought, you need a Power of Attorney whereby you can act on your husband's behalf when he is not there...picking up children, taking care of them, giving them medicine, and education. We paid $75 for an attorney to draw this up correctly for us. When it is signed, then I won't have to worry about her saying, "No," anymore.

I think the key here is to realize that some things are out of your control. No matter how much you want everybody to get along and be one happy family, it's just not going to happen if BM chooses to hate you. You can't control how you feels about you so why worry about it. Let it go. I promise, you'll feel so much better!

I would not waste any more time trying to engage the BM. In fact if you see her on the caller ID don't bother answering the phone. If hour DH or Skid is not there to answer her call, don't bother picking up.

Either completely ignore her or learn to enjoy barring her idiot ass as publically, embarrasingly and as often as possible. Not overtly of course, just be undeniably happy in your marriage, your life and in your relationship with your Skid. That should have the effect of turning a light on and watching the cockroaches run for the dark corners. BM will cringe away from your obvios state of happiness with your life and stay away.

This method has worked wonders for us over the past 16+ years of our blended family relationship. My SS's BioDad rarely raises his head out the hole under the rock he lives his life in. We are happy, successfull and provide a stable family that my SS has the opportunity to thrive in. BioDad continues to impregnate every available womb in the Pac NW and spawn offspring that he has to dump off on his parents to raise.

Our happiness is the insect repellent that keeps him away. SpermGrandMa on the other hand is to stupid to realize that she is an idiot and insists on repeatedly attempting to manipulate my SS and us. We just roll the judgement up and beat her about the head and shoulders with it until she retreats back to her cesspool life. When she thinks she has grown another brain cell to attempt to manipulate us with we repeat the process and send her crawling back to her pathetic life and family.

So, be happy and keep BM cringing in her pathetic little life.

Just my thoughts of course.

Best regards,

I know exactly how you feel! My BF and I have been in a relationship for going on 6 years now. Ever since we first started dating she has had issues with me. When I met my BF he was going through a nasty divorce. I knew then that she wouldn't be easy to work with, but I never anticipated how bitter she would turn out to be. Eventhough they were going through their divorce and she didn't want to be with him anymore (she filed), as soon as she realized that other women were interested in him, she all of a sudden had a "change of heart" where she wanted to get him back. It was then that I backed off because it was getting really crazy. In the end, they did not get back together, as that isn't what she really wanted anyway, it was just a way for her to feel some sort of power over him still... to see if she could still "get him". Well since her lovely ploy did not work, automatically I am the home wrecker that completed destroyed her family. I have been called every name in the book, and for a while honestly it did bother me. I would get very upset, and we have even been to court a couple of times for harassment and destruction of private property.

The "temper tantrums" that she throws comes and goes. It will be really quiet for a while, and then flare up again. Like when we bought a house a few years ago, it was hellacious for a good while. I think alot of it has to do with the fact she is afraid that I am trying to replace her. I'm not, I'm just trying to be the best step mother I can to them.

Lately it has been more on the quiet side (knock on wood), but I know it will flare up again but my BF has really showed me that I need to let it roll of my back. Like others have said, you just need to stop caring, and that is where I am at now. You don't like my outfit when you see me, you think I'm ugly, you think I don't know what I'm talking about... Okay good for you, but I know you are just being bitter. It makes it hard because I do have to see her alot in the summer because the summer camp they go to, she works at. With my BF and my work schedule, sometimes it is more convienent for me to pick them up. I used to almost have panic attacks picking them up, but over time I have gotten alot better. I just make sure that when I do go in there I'm looking fabulous and well put together (as this really infuriates her }:) ) I know that when she calls up my BF 30 seconds after I leave about me, that I get to her that much, and she's just jealous! It maybe childish to think like that, but over time I have come to realize that she is just bitter and unhappy because the grass wasn't as green on the other side for her, and now she has to lay in the bed she made while my BF and I are living a great life.

Can't wait for later this year, as we are getting engaged, I'm sure it will be WWIII then! LOL

I have been with DH for 8 years & BM still hates me. I have done everything in my power to make her see that I'm not a bad person, but it's true what they say. You can't change the way a person feels. I have given her not a single reason, in 8 years, not to like me. Not to my knowledge, anyway. She just doesn't. I have kind of given up on trying, but I haven't stopped being super nice. I'm not around her often, but when I am we sicken each other (and everyone around us) with kindness. I'm sure she doesn't like DH being happy with me. I know that she doesn't approve of skids liking me. Of course it'd be ideal if we could all be friends, however, I've concluded I can't change the way she feels about me. If she wants to force herself to hate me, it's her choice, but it won't keep me from being my sugary sweet self around her.

I don't know if BM hates me, but what I HATE about her is her expectation that I would step up and "rescue" SS30. My SS is a totally worthless human being - he has drug and alcohol issues combined with uncontrollable RAGE.

He's been extremely violent with both BM and DH. He spent almost 4 years in juvie for his transgressions - no one will tell me the details - but it has to have been bad. Children who commit murder get released when they age out DH evicted SS about a year before I met him. BM's DH will not allow SS near her.

So when SS was homeless, with no clothes or even shoes BM wanted me to "help him out". I did try for awhile. But now - I do not care if he drops dead.