Engagement Announced
My BF and I announced our engagement to his kids which don't live with us. The two boys (6&9) were cool with it and I'm sure could care less - just how boys are. We talked about how we were going to tell his kids and decided to announce it during Sat breakfast. BF announced to the kids that we were going to get married. The daughter yelled "WHAT" and went to her room. This little girl was completely hystarical for at least two hours. I feel horrible that she hates me and I really don't know why.
My Son and I moved out of state to be with BF - I was pregnant at the time. We have lived together for almost a year and half. There have been issues with everyone blending together but we are working through it - at least I thought.
His daughter (11) has never spoken to me to date and never stays in the same room with me longer than 30 seconds. Follows her father around like a shadow. Is nasty when my son (14) tries to talk to her. Never touched, talked, kissed or held her new sister that is 15 months.
Over the summer baby, son and I went to visit my parents in another state. While we were gone BF and his kids had a fight/discussion whatever about how she was treating me and her new sister. This little girl broke down and mentioned that following:
we went food shopping (I was pregnant) I stepped on her foot and never apologized.
I told her to "sit down" in a mean way when dinner was ready.
I cut her beaded bracelet up and gave it to her.
and the list goes on.
I know I am the adult and that this didn't happen but it still hurts.
So after the engagement was announced - BF was trying to concole her and she stated that she opened her heart to him about "her" and that he didn't care and is still marrying her.
Long story short - I overheard BF talking to BIOmom about getting her help. He said "he could careless if me and his daughter ever were friends". Hmmmm I really don't know how to deal with this one. Its one thing for her to hate me - I understand that she never has to like me and Im fine with that. I will always be kind to her and love her. I just don't understand his point to say that to his Ex.
Totally feel betrayed, confused and horrible. I really need support here.....I have no one to talk to.
Sounds like her Mom is
Sounds like her Mom is instilling her opinions on this child. Help is the right direction.
Of course she needs help
Of course she needs help someone to talk too but your dh needs to also tell her that this is not her life nor decision to make and no where involved in making this decision. He also needs to make it clear she is the child and he and you are the adults. Cuddling her and reasoning with her is not going to work in fact it will make it worse as she will think she should have the final say.
From the way you describe it your dh has given her reason to believe this was part her choice and she had some say which is why is reacting the way she is. Your dh needs to get her in counselling if he can. And stop letting her have that kind of power over his life.
BF and I have been in
BF and I have been in counceling for about a month to try to gain tools on how to deal with our issues plus issues with blending. BM will not allow any of her kids to go to counseling without a court order. She says the kids are fine when they are with her and that it is our problem. BF and I have struggled with all kinds of issues and have committed to our relationship. Our biggest problem is her ignoring her new sister and now this issue with us getting married. I asked her softly if we could talk after her meltdown and she said "no". I told her that it was fine and we will talk another time - again "no".
I would really like to be a fly on the wall to hear what is being said by her mother. I hate the tension when it their weekend to come over. I feel like an outsider in my own home. Anything I do - will eventually turn on me for the worst. BF says he doesn't want to pick sides! I didn't know there was a side to pick. I didn't step on her foot or cut her bracelet. Is he serious!!!!!
I think we may have the same
I think we may have the same BM. I could so see my future SD mother saying it is our problem!! I was the "BM" once, my son had a SM, I hope I wasn't such a bitch!!
We just might! Its not just
We just might! Its not just our problem - this little girl is ovbiously in denial! So sad that a mother would overlook her daughters emotional well being!
Why not make an appointment
Why not make an appointment when she is there for visitation? By the time BM finds out about it, it's already done.
And if she decides to flip her shit and take you to court....what do you think a judge is going to decide about a whackjob BM who is pissed that the BF cares enough about his daughter to take her to a counselor??
We have counseling tomorrow
We have counseling tomorrow so I am courious on how he is going to approach this. Stay tuned!
If it makes you feel any
If it makes you feel any better my bf of 2 years told his 13 year old daughter we were talking about getting married and she reacted the same way. I wasn't there when he told her but he said she shook her head no and told him that she doesn't like me. I have never done anything to her to make her not like me except love her father...and I don't baby her and wait on her hand and foot like her daddy does. But she has no real reason not to like me. Personally I could care less if she ever likes me. It would make things easier if she did, on all of us. But I will not lose any sleep over it. I'm not going to change who I am and the way I am because she acts like a 2 year old most of the time. She is a selfish, spoiled brat. Her mother is to blame for some of it, but her father is too. He is a great man, but heavy with guilty daddy syndrome. The BM is to blame for a lot of that. Luckly he don't talk to the BM. They text at best when they have to communicate. There are a lot of posts on here about daughters and daddys. It's a lot different than having SS. Daughters make it a competition. If daddy does anything for you (wife, gf) that they don't want then daddy is taking YOUR side. He is chosing YOU over her. I know you don't see it that way but they do.
My advice is to talk to your bf, tell him what you overheard. Keep that communication open and be honest. Maybe he didn't mean what you heard the way you took it. Maybe he was trying to get BM to help the girl accept you and your relationship. Just remember you are not alone. Good luck!!
Maybe your DF said that he
Maybe your DF said that he didn't care if his daughter liked you or not as a way of saying that he's devoted and committed to you and that he wasn't going to change his goals to marry you JUST because his daughter didn't like you...
I don't have a problem with his statement if that is what he meant...
Regardless, you have a long road ahead...Make sure you and DF are always on the same page. Give SD some time. She might come around...she might not...at least insulate the rest of the family just in case she doesn't...
I appreciate it can be
I appreciate it can be difficult for skids to have to come to terms with decisions which are out of their control however I do not know WHY FDH was coddling her when sd was acting up after this announcement! :O :? By doing that he is actually enabling her to continue, comforting her when there appears to *be* NO genuine reason why she doesnt like you, her baby sister and is against the marriage. Its like giving affection when a child acts badly, same difference except she is dressing it as upset and daddy goes running, when actually he should be firmly, kindly and address this with a nononsense attitude e.g. "sd I love you very much and you will always be my little girl. I know its hard because you dont live with me, but that doesnt change my feelings for you nor do I love one of your kids more than the other. I do think you are being silly by behaving like you are, because its only you who loses out in the long run. This is a happy occasion and sorry this decision is out of your hands. Now I will be happy to listen to any real concerns but as far as I can see there are none atm. All Stepmum has done has tried to be your friend. I dont want to see you sulking either. Enough is enough."
Then he should be ignoring her. If she sulks, let her carry on but dont give it attention as that just feeds her.
It sounds possibly like PAS from BM, the fact that she is spoilt and has been given more power and control (or at least the illusion she is able to have more imput into the household decisions) than a child should have, is jealous and competitive of you and baby sister because perhaps she feels replaced not only as daddy's only little girl but as alpha female in the house, and is jealous that your daughter gets dad to herself all week while she doesnt. Boundaries need putting into place and quickly.
Have you questioned what FDH meant by not caring if you and sd become friends? That would annoy the hell out of me too. The whole "not taking sides" comment would REALLY fricking anger me too. This isnt about taking sides and actually IS about putting his daughter right, meaning he stands up for you and tries to get her to accept your prescence in her life, the household as alpha female and for her to act respectfully and courteously to you - by ignoring you and refusing to engage at all with her sister is damn wrong. Where is his parenting of this situation? All he is doing by pussy footing around sd is giving her the power to carry on, and he IS taking sides in letting her act in this manner. Not stopping someone who is on a destructive path, is misbehaving towards people you love and ignoring it is fundamentally enabling it, and is a clear message he is not prepared to protect you either.
Does he think this will suddenly miraculously change one day and sd will accept you all? No, she will get worse and find new ways to disturb the equilibrium of the household as she gets older and may become bolder in her rejection of the stepfamily, because she knows dad is not going to do jack and will let her do as she wishes.
I think this is something that needs to be discussed about in your counselling sessions along with the fact that while he may not care if sd doesnt like you, you care - for you all and because no one can be truely happy while sd is acting in this manner.
P.S. I hope he really showed how unamused he was with her weak arsed criticisms and lies about why she didnt like you?
No its not acceptable - I
No its not acceptable - I agree. We approached counseling a few weeks back and it has helped some. SD should be enjoying this 1yr old and embrasing being a big sister. It is sad - we don't have any new baby pictures with her in them. Everyone just keep telling me to give it time and she will come around. I don't see it happening at all. We only see them every other weekend so bonding time is limited. When she is here for the weekend - not often does she come out of her room. UGH
Agree whole hearted! I am
Agree whole hearted! I am patient and I am calm! Repeat
In response to your P.S. I
In response to your P.S.
I don't know how he responded to her. I was out of town when this happened and he called me to talk. First he called me and said there was a blow up and that we would talk later as the kids were around him. I was anxious because I wasn't sure what she had on me that would of provoked such a meltdown. After he called me back he told me I told her to "sit down" for dinner which I could of said nicely, I cut her bracelet up and gave it back to her, blah blah blah. After hearing all this I told him that I was relieved that this was all it was and that she was just picking. Well that statement blew up in my face. He then yelled that I was disregarding her issues and that I said she to growup. Then proceeded to tell me that she was not used to someone like me and that her BM is softer. Not sure what that means at all cause I am very consious of everything I do around them. I would of really liked to of heard exactly what he said to her. This issue has not been discussed again and everytime I approach the subject it goes no where.
BM will allow counseling if
BM will allow counseling if SD will go without her feeling like she has something wrong with her and that she isn't normal. I thought everyone went to counseling from time to time - this woman is something. BM told BF that if she didn't want to go when he came to pick her up that she wouldn't force her.
So I doubt consoling will happen but we will see.