Hello all.  I am a mother to an almost 2 year old boy and a 2 month old baby girl.  My husband has a son who is 5 from a previous relationship.  When he and I first got together I was under the impression I would not see him very often since he had told me the BM did not let him see him often.  She had cheated on my husband when they were together dozens of times behind his back and left him for her cousin in case you were wondering why they weren't together after they had a child.  My husband is a good, honest man.  He wants to be in his child's life.  It is a quite complex and difficult situation so please bear with me I am going to try to write it out as clearly as I can.

His BM is a witch, in the figurative and literal sense.  She threatened to make a voodoo doll out of locks of his hair she still has. She threatened to burn our RV that we were living in on fire and slash our tires.  She threatened to murder us and dismember our bodies.  So we both filed for restraining orders against her.  This was after I became pregnant with our son.  Now for the first year of him and I being together, we did not see his son.  BM wouldn't allow it since she had a boyfriend and things were looking up for her.  Then he broke up with her and she went through a crisis and begged us to take their son.  I was a few months pregnant and had no idea what I was getting myself into.  My husband and I are not wealthy by any means.  We were living in a studio and had only one vehicle which he needed to use for work.  I ended up being stuck home babysitting his son for nearly 8-9 months while he was working.  I was miserable, pregnant, and resentful.  I had PPD because of the situation.  BM refused to take him back since she was off doing whatever she needed to do.  We would give him back to her for a week or two after having him for 2 or 3 months and then she would make up some crazy story so we would take him again and disappear so I'd be primary baby sitter for months again.  I was the only one granted the restraining order, my husband did not receive one so in case you were wondering how she was still in contact with us it was her talking with him.  My husband would help take care of his son when he came home from work and do all the primary care and all that. SS went home right before I had my son and a few weeks after giving birth I was made to be the baby sitter again, with no consideration of how I felt about it and how overwhelmed I was.  This happened for nearly 8-9 months of the year.

Don't get wrong, my husband steps up.  He is a good man.  Maybe I'm to blame for not wanting to be primary care taker to his young son who was 3 at the time since I married a man who had a child.  We couldn't afford day care and husband didn't want to go through social services.  I made it clear to him I was overwhelmed and not able to handle the stress of being a new mom to a newborn AND a 3 year old who was not biologically mine.  There wasn't much he or I could do as the BM disappeared although I became resentful when he didn't listen to me when I told him after he had gone back to his mom that I was not ready for him to come back again so soon.  The only thing we really fight about is this situation with his son.  Other than that things are really nice. He is faithful, a hard worker, is always there for me and tries to make things right.  Except for this situation with his son, which is complex because I understand he needs and wants a relationship with him and it's a difficult situation.  I can't help feel like I'm a forced baby sitter with no say in the situation most of the time. I have to be very forceful and feel guilty about saying no.

Fast forward to now.  We had a second child unexpectantly.  Not planned, but we have a boy and a girl now.  Greatest blessings. I certainly am not ready for more children considering we weren't even trying to have another and were actually actively trying not to.  My husband and I have not seen the SS for a year.  We had to move a ways away and it has been a rougher year financially and we have been living in an RV which is comfortable but is still small and not equipped for that many children.  This year has been a lot easier and I haven't felt the depression and overwhelming feelings I had like when I was having to babysit the SS.  My husband is very upset he has not been able to see his son, and I understand that.  He lives now about 10 hours away and it is not an easy drive for anyone.  We had him once out here for a few weeks beginning of last year and it was a miracle the BM came back to get him quickly, but I believe that's because MIL whom we were shortly staying with at the time made it clear that it would be a 2 week visit to BM and BM didn't want to look bad in her eyes since MIL gifts SS with presents and such. BM has been pressuring us for months to take SS. My husband offered to visit SS in his town but BM got angry and hung up since she wants SS to stay with us for months which she has made clear.  And just yesterday my husband mentioned to me that BM made contact and wants us to take SS for the whole summer and I'm getting the impression she wants us to start "the summer" now.

Now I want to make it clear, I am not against my husband spending time with his son. I think he should and I want to encourage that.  My issue is I am the one who is stuck home taking care of the kids.  I have a temper tantrumed toddler and a very dependent 2 month old infant.  I am at my breaking point now as it is.  I have a hard time getting out with the two of them I can't imagine adding a 5 year old to the mix.  I stay home basically all the time because my son is all over the place and loves to scream in public randonmly which my newborn starts following in cries after she hears her brother cry. He is a very active and energetic kid and wants to run away and not listen so it's difficult getting anywhere with them both at this stage. We are about to make a move again so my husband will have a better job and we will be in a new city where I won't have any support unless I make new friends.  He will be working 6 days a week from 12 pm-8 or 9 PM.  I explained to my husband that isn't fair to anyone except BM since she wants him off her hands for summer since SS will be in bed before my husband even gets home and will only have a few hours in the morning to spend with him and I will be stuck home watching after 3 young kids by myself all day long.  Mentally and emotionally I know I can't handle it.  My husband is upset because he hasn't seen his son in so long and is angry at me because he feels I'm keeping him from seeing his son by saying no I can't do it.  I feel like I am being coerced into this and guilt tripped.  I understand he needs a relationship with his son and its tough because we couldn't afford to live in the state SS lives so we had to move and are far away and BM doesn't want us to visit she just wants us to take him.  I'm not sure what to do.  I don't want to get post partum depression again for being forced to baby sit SS for months who just wants time with their dad, not me.   And if we tell BM we can only arrange for 2 weeks she will either get angry and curse us out or just agree and then not show up for a very long time like she's done many times before.  Daycare is not an option as it is extremely expensive and we are trying to save for a house and have bills to pay off.  It's a tough situation but any reassurance, or criticizm or help or anything is really appreciated. Thank you so much for actually reading this.

Signed,

Tired and overwhelmed mom