Do I Love Him Enough?

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I have had a time of it... 3 bad marriages with ugly divorces. Abuse and mental instability I always found. And then I found HIM.

He is joy embodied. He treats me like a queen and I live to be in his company. We each have 3 kids. Our kids get along great.

But our kids have been raised...differently. His kids don't bathe or change clothes regularly, let alone brush their teeth or hair. Once we were going to a family dinner...the first family dinner I was taking them to, and his youngest hopped downstairs in holey Jean's and unbrushed hair and he got offended when I asked him to have her go back upstairs and change. They don't keep clean rooms. They eat all over the house. They won't eat dinner and then are in the pantry getting cereal a half hour later. This is "normal" behavior.

They jump on the furniture and climb on the car seats with muddy shoes. No amount of telling them not to makes a difference. Dad does little to help me curb the disregard for personal property.

The kids are 8, 12, and 14 and none of them have assigned chores. Dad does everything...or rather Dad and I do everything.

His youngest talks back...ALL....THE.....TIME. I don't know how I haven't slapped her yet.

I have started making some rules. If I am over, no food in the bedrooms and they will wear clean clothes and brush hair before going to school. Dad doesn't help much and I feel like I can't form positive bonds because I have to be the switch and task master.

I have invested alot in building this family. I bought us a family car. I fund the vacations. I cook. I clean. I buy them clothes. I run school pickup and carpool and make sure the kids activities are up to date and well organized. But I can't see us ever living in the same house... their Dad isn't making any efforts to make changes in their rules/responsibilitiea or consequences so we can blend as a family.

It's been 2 years. I think he won't propose because he is afraid of having to compromise and for now he can claim "his house his rules". I have one more year left till I am 40. I want a family so bad....and I wanted it with HIM because he is the most amazing human being I have ever met. But I can't see it happening with such differences.....and working. Do I cut my losses now? Hope I still have time?

So lost. The things that make you want to die.....

Oyyyy I feel your pain. I

Oyyyy I feel your pain. I love my step daughter I really do but damn I have a very similar situation. She is constantly trying to leave the house with hair not done, pajamas on hates showering and brushing teeth so she barely does it unless her dad tells her. She leaves her dirty clothes including dirty underwear's all over the bathroom doesn't pick it up unless told to. Leaves literally anything she uses on top of the countertop and sink out doesn't put it away. Pulls towels down from the pole it hangs on. Leaves desk super messy. Leaves shoes all over the house. Leaves dishes and trash all around the house doesn't clean up after herself unless she is asked. This is all because of her father. He does the same thing half the time and she gets it from him. He forgets to flush the toilet and guess what! So does she! lol it drives me crazy. I tried to tell him little girls should not be like (no one really) this you need to help guide her into the woman she is going to become. I've tried to start guiding her myself since her dad doesn't seem to do it much but it's sometimes weighs on me to feel like I am doing everything and cleaning up after two people who can clean up after themselves and 4 months pregnant on top of that.

I'm sorry.

Thank you for replying. I feel like you "get it". You care about her, I care about them. I don't get it. Their Mom is such an image addict. She buys expensive clothes, has her hair and nails done every week, has to have the trendy car and the latest phone.....but it doesn't bother her to take her kids out looking like orphans. I feel like if she's not going to be a Mom, someone needs to be, at least every other week! Thankfully, HE isn't a slouch. He does the chores and picks up after himself (for the most part). The main part of the house is livable. I just don't know why its so hard to tell your 12 and 14 year old sons to load a damn dishwasher? My 10 year old does his own laundry for pete sake!

Welcome to the site!

I am surprised that you are wanting to marry again, having experienced 3 failed marriages - but as they say I guess it is a "triumph of hope over experience". I am not sure what you mean when you say you want a family so bad when you already have your own 3 children. Do you mean you want another child with him? or that you want to be part of a live-in blended family? If I were in your place I would certainly not be wanting to move in, or marry this guy. You call him amazing but he obviously has serious flaws where parenting is concerned.

And please tell us that if he

And please tell us that if he does propose that you would laugh in his face.

Go back and read your original post above from the perspective of someone asking for your advice. Get your head out of the tingly nether regions rose colored glasses place and see that this guy is just a different flavor of the same old shit you have dealt with before. Trust me, as tingly as he may make you, you don't want to have life or family with this guy. Just look at his kids for proof of that.

Just stop going back to his circus, he nor his rabid feral spawn are your monkeys. It isn't your circus. Save your own children from the parenting ministrations of this failed father.

Your picker is off.

Please focus just on your kids and yourself and stop trying to force relationships. Whatever this desperation is to have a family is better worked on with a therapist than a man who has no control of his kids and allows you to fund parts of his existence.

Forty is so young to have three failed marriages, but what's really concerning is that you may not have yet learned that sometimes being on your own is best.

Isn't it Normal?

I think having a family is what we're programmed for? It's the natural design, for humans at least. I think my crisis comes from the knowledge that I'm running out of time. I spent 3 years in therapy, and several years dating before I picked this one as the one I thought I could see spending my life with. And I think if I have to wait 10 more years for him, I will. It's just the agony of having to give up that dream of actually having that family I wanted is harsher than I thought it would be. Maybe because I thought it was within my grasp........ Part of me feels like I shouldn't have to choose.

I definitely did make some mistakes- some out of desperation, others out of love. It doesn't negate my right to pursue that dream, does it?

You should not have to choose

You should not have to choose. And you have every right to pursue any dream you choose. Just remember... it is your choice which dreams you do pursue. Which includes choosing an equity life partner who is ready, willing and able to happily pursue that dream with you. Which IMHO includes them going above and beyond to protect you and your relationship from any threats. Including from their own past. You of course have the same duty to go above and beyond to protect your partner and relationship from your past in pursuit of that dream.

Is this the guy you want to wait 10 years to show up in your dreams? Have his choices and behaviors within your relationship been indicative of someone who is worthy of your commitment to them. Does his own behavior indicate that he is all in and committed to the same dream that you are?

That is the question.

IMHO of course.

Why are you trying so hard?

'I have invested alot in building this family. I bought us a family car. I fund the vacations. I cook. I clean. I buy them clothes. I run school pickup and carpool and make sure the kids activities are up to date and well organized.'

Your DH may have some good qualities. But why are YOU the one doing all these things for a man who clearly does not want to make one iota of change to have you in his life? Frankly, he sounds less wonderful and more like a user.

I agree with 2nd no more above. It sounds like you allow yourself to get into some sort of magical thinking upon meeting someone new who attracts your fancy. I mean this with all respect - step away from this man and delve into some soul searching/ counseling to figure out why you are literally throwing everything you have into a man who clearly are not doing the same for you. Did this pattern repeat itself in earlier relationships?

Sometimes good people just can't see the faults in others without a little work. But learning to do so will help you make better decisions.

Can you expand a little bit

Can you expand a little bit on how he is so amazing?

You sound like the amazing one and it sounds like he has it really good being with you.

I think he won't propose because he is afraid of having to compromise and for now he can claim "his house his rules".

This is what's called, "having your cake and eating it, too". No compromises for him but all of the benefits of YOU.

He doesn't sound amazing to

He doesn't sound amazing to me. He sounds like a lousy parent and a user. I'd recommend counseling to learn why you settle for less than optimal relationships. And there is no way I'd marry this guy.

The most amazing person I've

The most amazing person I've ever met would not be such a lousy parent. How can you even consider him amazing at all, when he doesn't care one iota about how his kids' behavior affects you? That's not treating you like a queen.

No, love is not enough. Neither he, nor the kids, are going to allow you to run the show if you marry him and move in. There will be serious resistance from all sides, and you will quickly be the big meanie.

Can you help me understand how you can write all that you wrote about him and how he parents, and then say he's the most amazing person you've ever met? I don't get it. I think you need higher standards and someone who deserves all you have to give.

You are asking the wrong

You are asking the wrong question. The real question is.... Does he love you enough to actually man up and parent his kids? Past behavior being the strongest predictor of future performance.... he is not worthy,

I think that you should

I think that you should completely stop all the things you are doing for him and his kids. You are a girlfriend not a wife. I get you are trying to win him over being nice to his kids and giving financially but you are only the gf now. Let him parent them, buy them things etc.

Judge Much?

Well this has been monumentally disappointing. Looking for a little bit of compassion and experience to help guide my ways and instead a bunch of people claim to know me and my situation based on 3 little words in my post.

Yes, I have been married 3 times. TWO ugly divorces.

The first was an act of desperation on my part. I was young and homeless with a baby. I didn't want to give her up and I couldn't provide for her myself. I met a man who said he would give us a good life. Things were OK on the surface and we looked alot like any other young couple. But behind closed doors things were ugly. 3 years later I found myself in a battered womens shelter, with a slightly older baby, and a worse situation.

My second husband was a good but tortured man (veteran). I thought I could love him through his issues. I could not. He committed suicide.

My 3rd husband - I got pregnant, and wanted my son to have a family that I hadn't been able to give my daughter. We got married. Six months into our marriage he was involved in a work accident that quickly spiralled into opiate addiction that I tried for 5 years to help him overcome. We had another child during a time of promising recovery, that didn't hold. Eventually I had to do what was best for me and the kids.

All of this happened before the age of 30. I'm 39 now.

So I took some time for me. I got an education. I was successful in my career. I bought a house. And I went to counseling EXTENSIVELY. I was suicidal for a long time because my dream for a traditional family - MOm/Dad/Kids I thought was gone. But I had to come to terms with the fact that who I had been was not who I was. I was a beautiful human being with a great deal to offer.

So I started dating... I dated for about 2 years before I met him. Initially he didn't tickle my fancy, but seemed like a good friend so we spent a great deal of time together... and friendship became something more. He was funny - we share an unusual sense of humor. He's held steady job for 16 years, which after the last husband who never kept a job for more than 3 months was AMAZING. He owns a home and a vehicle. Has no debt other than his mortgage, like me. We share the same faith which is vitally important - we go to church together which is something I haven't enjoyed before. We enjoy the same activities. He believes in equal division of household responsibilities when both parties are employed full time. Refreshing!

Before I met him, I'd never been told that I was beautiful. He tells me every single day. I have gained 30 lbs since I met him.......still beautiful. He kisses me and touches me, holds my hand in public (as well as in private). Affection has been lacking in my prior relationships. I love it! He talks fondly of me to his friends. He listens. I had said something 2 year's back when we first started dating about a candy I couldn't find anymore and a box of it got Amazon'd to my house. When I was working 60 hour weeks, he had a case of my favorite energy drinks sent to my house. Little surprises like that are the sweetest. He came and rescued me when my water heater blew up - he rushed out with a new one and we spent the day installing it. He is also patient and has never spoken an unkind word to me in the 18 months we have been dating.

Aside from the kids being equipped with no life skills, they're good kids. They are well liked by their teachers, friends parents. They don't get in trouble or cause trouble, so I wouldn't say their upbringing has been a total catastrophe. My kids have their own issues - they might have hygenic habits and pick up their clothes and their dishes, but they talk back and fight CONSTANTLY. But in public I always get, "What great kids you have. How do you do it?"

So.........alot of defending myself, defending him. We're both good people who love each other. I think he's Ok with things the way they are. He doesn't mind living in separate houses and traveling back and forth. He is comfortable. As one of you said, he's getting his cake and eating it too. Meanwhile I'm desparately trying to make that traditional family that I have always wanted. But, I have minimal marketable year's left, and I don't want to wind up old, lonely, and alone because I blew it on a guy who just wants a comfort item in his home. Also don't want to give up the best thing that has ever happened to me because of 3 kids who will be gone in 10 years........we could still have a good 40 years after that!

Aside from the kids being

Aside from the kids being equipped with no life skills

Also don't want to give up the best thing that has ever happened to me because of 3 kids who will be gone in 10 years

Do you see how these sentences contradict themselves? If he doesn't instill any life skills into his kids, do you see them launching out on their own or him giving them the boot when they don't?

He treats you well, I get that, my DH treats me like a queen, but you want more than just that, right? A family? You are settling for one thing, when you really want more (and I don't blame you).

I'm desperately trying to make that traditional family that I have always wanted.

And he doesn't seem to want that same thing, he is fine with how things are. Maybe he loves you but.... not quite enough to make you an equal partner in his home.

Only you can decide if the good outweighs the bad, or the so-so.

You don't have to defend your past relationships, everybody has made mistakes, for whatever reason.

Thank you

Settling is a tough concept. I don't like to gamble....I feel like I have done enough fo that. Do I take what isn't what I want and trade it in for possibly....nothing? Or Settle. Give up the dream, and keep something. Hard spot. Thank you for listening.

How old are your kids? Moving

How old are your kids? Moving in with him may not be the best thing for your kids, anyway.

Trying to have a traditional family is tough when kids from previous relationships are involved. If you really love him and want to stay with him, instead of thinking of it as settling, maybe you just need to change your vision. Some would actually say that living separate when step kids are involved, is the best thing for a relationship. Some have certainly found out that it's best for their own children.

I would definitely stop taking on so much responsibility for his kids and certain financial aspects, that can really cause a lot of resentment.