Disiplining a SD and BD over-reacts... AND totally different working 'rules' for BS and SD...
My first time posting. I'm so excited to have others to 'talk to'.
I feel so angry right now! This weekend we were going to my nieces college grad and my SD (10 yo) was her usual sulky, attention demanding self. She does nothing for herself and takes an hour to get ready to go any where... She is REALLY spoiled at her BMs and mostly spoiled at BDs. BM does everything for her because it's easier then waiting for kid to do it. We DON'T live together! We are engaged... SD talks to nor interacts with anyone, she only has one friend at school and won't 'let' her friend talk to anyone else, SD sulks if the attention isn't on her (she isn't demanding - just sulky). Truly, I love this kid but it's HARD. Her BM talks smack about us all the time and SD feeds it by telling her all the 'awful' things that happen at BDs. BD is a recovering alcoholic and has all the issues that go along with that. And yet, BM still blames all the problems on me. OK, so if he's such a prince, why did you leave him and disrupt your family? BM is a whack-job to the Nth degree. She is constantly telling SD that it's OK that she is bad at math -she was too, and that being fat is ok because shes only a 'little girl,' or that being shy and NEVER Trying to overcome it is ok because she was too... Its perfectly ok to be an unhappy, ignorant fat kid, 'cuz I was too? Who says that to their kid? OMG! It all sounds so bad as I write this I wonder why I just don't take off the ring, mail it back to BD and change my phone number! Actually, I've never met a man who worked harder on his 'issues' then BD. And he's a truly kind soul. Just had (has) a HORRIBLE childhood. But this could be the deal breaker...
SO this weekend, SD was twaddling along in and I 'shortly' asked (told!) her to hurry up and get ready. BD flipped OUT!!! She was OK, he flipped. I'm so mean, etc... He had not stopped freaking since Saturday afternoon. So, my question is: Can SMs discipline their kids w/o their BD support? Will this get better?
My other question is: Can a blended family have two sets of rules? One for my son and one for his daughter? My BS is 14, his BD is 10. Obviously they are different genders... And quite frankly, my BS is a WAY different person - he was raised to be self-sufficient and handle all that he could. SD has been raised to be totally dependent on others... Totally different coping skills and abilities because of this.
Thanks for any advice!
I wish I had these kind of
I wish I had these kind of Red Flags when we were engaged. I would have called it off and I should have. SD then 10 now 14 is a spoiled manipulative brat. Sorry! She is now suing us with her mother. Read my blogs. It just went from Bad to worse when she turned 14. I don't want her to come back but DH does. Now it is all about screwing the BM since she started everything. DH tried to parent but, if one parent does and the other doesn't it can't work. You can parent yours and he can parent his, but it is never clean cut. All you can do is keep repeating to your kid that that is not the way you parent. Trust me BS15 doesn't like the double standard, but I am okay with it. He will be fine. She will not. And my SS11 will fall somewhere in the middle.
oooo you scare me! thanks
oooo you scare me! thanks tho!
http://www.steptalk.org/images/smileys/smile.png
What if he doesn't do
What if he doesn't do anything? Just let chaos reign? I'm actually OK with that as long as it doesn't impact my BS. What do you suggest?
actually, my son is a teen in
actually, my son is a teen in all that that means. He can change moods so fast it make our heads spin, he resents- and is thus rude to- dh as he gets diff treatment, he talks back, hisroom is filthy, his grades suck sometimes etc. But he has chores and even does them w/o being asked sometimes (sd has none cuz she's only ten), he looses privilages when he screws up, he is super polite when not at home, ok at home (sd is sulky out of the home cuz she's shy), teachers love him, my friends too, gets corrected when he is rude, sent to his room when sulky/surly (if sd went to her room when s/surly, she'ld have to live there. Nonetheless, I really love her, and she loves ur. I just HATE dh coddling her and the double standard).
AND my son is super nice to
AND my son is super nice to SD. She adores him!
Actually, I do think I have
Actually, I do think I have the bad one. My son (not DH's bio) is a big brat. SD6 is a well behaved child...
I am with crayon on this one.
I am with crayon on this one. Get out of this mess before it gets worse.
I agree wth everyone. This
I agree wth everyone. This is a warning light. I wish I had paid attention. Now DH is back and forth with lawyers and what we should and should not do. We will never win and the only one who does is the SD. If DH had parented effectively in the begining, it might have been okay now.
First, if that is all you
First, if that is all you said, HOW ON EARTH IS THAT DISCIPLINING? Wow, That says a lot about how things could go if you move in together and start putting some rules with this girl. Better get it straight now... or.... R U N F O R T H E H I L L S!!!!
You ask if there can be
You ask if there can be different rules? Well yes, it seems to happen every day (read many posts in this forum!) but does it work? Not so much.
Thing is...when people come together from different backgrounds and want to get married, it is expected that they would have different ideas about parenting. Since no 2 people are exactly the same, one of you will be more strict and the other will be more lenient to some degree. The idea is that you work on this together if you decide to have children.
This whole dynamic wasnt designed for people to have kids with other people! Nobody seems able to work together, and wants to claim a higher rank than the other person, or not give a vote to anyone else. This notion about putting kids first was not intended to mean "first before the marriage" it was intended to mean a joint effort of putting kids' NEEDS in front of adults' needs (not to be confused with their WANTS) and not for one spouse to put the kid in front of the other spouse!
You and your fiance would have this issue if it were your child together, but the difference would be that you would each give weight to the other person's views. For you two, sure you'll listen...but you know at the end of the day, you have the final say with your kid, and he has the final say with his. This is not the same as working together.
And I agree that telling SD to hurry along is hardly discipline. It's more like you feeling like an "authoratative figure" which I believe there is nothing wrong with, but clearly your fiance doesnt like it. That's going to be a problem long term.
FYI... I talked to dh about
FYI... I talked to dh about this, told him about the forum and expressed all (yours and mine) concerns and told him that in no uncertain terms would we move forward until this was addressed. Sd HAS to have rules and chores and discipline BEFORE we move in, as I'm NOT taking the role of evil sm. And bm has to stop her sh@t too!!
I know that may bea pipe dream! Thanks everyone. Keep it coming! I love this. It's amazing to have unbiased but knowledgeable opinions.