I would not allow my own disengagement to let DH off a particular hook I cling to, which is that I am reasonably organised and like to schedule my family's activities and household matters. Therefore I have never been happy with BM, DH, or the skids at whatever age just being spontaneous or vague in their dumps or visits. If that were allowed then skids could show up at times inconvenient to me and my children and our other commitments. I take the view we're not a doss house here. So therefore, I always expect to know about any of OSD's movements that impact on the household even though I am not interested in a relationship at all with OSD. Whatever rules you have, make sure that they suit your purposes and don't worry about apparent inconsistency -- it may only be apparent, you aren't answerable to anyone else on this even in terms of how it looks.