Welcome Daisy!  and first off you and your mom are very lucky that your SDad doesnt have kids!!!!!  and are you sure he is not trying to be funny? Is he trying to make jokes that fall flat- all family except Daisy!? Is it awkward because hes making jokes and you don't find the jokes funny then he feels awkward?  Could you ask him,"are you serious?" or laugh like crazy and see if he responds to your laughter with happiness.  and lastly, just pretend the you are the one that just got married, your mom is the new mother in law and treat him how you would wish your mother would treat your new husband.  Help make him as comfortable as possible. 

But it appears that  your mom does not value your relationship.  Please do NOT borrow money to go on vacation with her.  Write her letters.  Offer to stop by if you are in town.   Try to build family relationships with her family and your dad and his family. 

Can we go back some steps? What was it like when your SF met your mother? How was it (from your perspective) when you met him, spent time with him? How do you think it was from his perspective?  What was it like when they moved in together? What was the wedding like?

btw

a) the "except Daisy line" was either a joke or if serious, terrible thing to say. 

b) you're 21 so yes I would think it normal to be expected to pay for holidays yourself, student or not. Occasionally parents may treat an adult of 21 to a holiday, but I find that's more of a special occasion thing or exception at times of extreme hardship more than anything else

Why would you permanently move back home after graduating university? Why aren't you planning to go live your own life? That is the thing that struck me as the most "not normal" about this situation.

And yes, it is normal to pay for your own vacations at age 21. 

As for his comment to his family at Christmas, it wasn't nice but it wasn't wrong, either. He is newly married to your mom and doesn't have any familial feelings for her adult daughter. That's not weird. That's normal. I don't know why he would vocalize those feelings so publicly, however.

Well, he sounds like a controlling jerk, and your mom sounds very passive - why does he decide whether or not she pays for your holiday?

Honestly, my parents paid for my vacations with them for a long time (because they could), so I'm not with the others on saying you have to pay because you are 21. BUT, a vacation is not an entitlement, so using your student loan money is your choice, not something you HAD to do.

I also wonder about you "moving back home permanently" at 21 - do you mean their town, or do you plan to move into their home? If I were him, I would object to that.  No need for a college-educated young person to live at home, except for brief periods until you get your life together.

my stepdad was a lot the same. He was aggressively angry that other people had advantages or luxuries that he didn’t. He was lazy, abusive, alcoholic and used any excuse at all to take something valuable from me because he hated that I had privilege. He took my diary, my Walkman, my treasure box and when he ran out of physical things to take, he removed the door to my room to take my privacy and dignity. I was routinely denied outings with friends and my mom would instruct me not to tell him if she allowed me to go to the mall or to the skating rink. Why would he even care? She was my parent, paid 75% of the bills and my dad paid an exorbitant amount of child support. There was no reason for me to miss out on girl things at 12. But my mom allowed it because she was mentally ill and had a skewed perspective. 

Is your stepdad also an angry man? Bitter, envious, vindictive? 

I have a few questions...

How long had your mom been single? How involved in your life is your dad? Are you an only child? 

I will say that based on the time line you mom may have settled for kind of a jerk in order to not be an "empty nester" alone. 

It's not uncommon for recent graduates to need a few months to secure good employment after graduating. I don't see an issue with moving home for a little while until you get that job that you have been working hard for. As long as you give, not only yourself, but your mom and stepdad a timeline of when you will get out on your own, one way or another. 

I am sorry that you have to deal with him being a jerk. Sounds like there is a serious reason that he was single and kid-less before your mom came along.

My stepfather hated (hates) me too. I was a straight a student, good Catholic girl, I've been employed since the age of 12 ( yes, TWELVE, not a typo), I think he's just always wanted me out of the way so he can Svengali my weak mother. The best advice I can give you is to go and make your own way in the world. I left at (barely) 18 , married at 19 and still married, it was a struggle but I made it. When you're in town, stay with a friend or relative and meet your mom for brunch. It is what it is and if your mom is weak and man centered she will always take "his side".  

I've been on STalk for many years and in my experience, posts like this don't belong here.  They are usually attempts to "stir the pot," present the poster in a positive light, and see how much reaction they can get - the more posts, the more the poster feels satisfaction and/or vindication.   A skid (no matter how old) trying to get advice (in their favor) from a stepPARENTS forum is like a parent going to a child/teen/adult kid forum and seeking advice to bolster their parenting style.  

Not biting on this one - although I could offer the OP a lot of advice similar to what a few others have stated above.  First and foremost, what in the world are you going to university for if you plan to "move home permanently" once your education is complete - isn't the fundamental goal of an education to be able to get a job and be SELF SUPPORTING?  

Oh, and I wouldn't be surprised if the OP never posts back here either - that often happens with the posts from skids themselves.  

1. If the holidays with your mom are a thing you two do to share special time since you were little. then I understand why she would pay. It should be solely her decision to ask you to pay half or not.( since he came into your lives when the ritual of a yearly special bonding vacation already had been well established and ONLY in this instance)  I find the solution of mom taking separate vacations with each of you a fair one. He can only ask you to pay your way on the vacations he pays for as you are an adult.

2. The overnight trip where he kept whining that hes lonely etc. Is inappropriate. He is a grown man acting like a needy child. It is concerning.

If my DH went to visit his child at college overnight Id tell him to take his time. Funnight for me!

3. Have you tried to get to know him? Take him to lunch or invite him to a sports game. It sounds like both of you are assuming things about eachother. At the very least I would want to know some things about the man who lives with my mother.

4. Agree with all posters that you should launch. Start going places with friends and upon graduation move to your own place. Mom can come visit your place.

5. I think this is the perfect forum. A lot of us were stepkids before we were step parents. We could/do have perspective from both sides. It is not wrong to consider the issue from all sides.

I could write this as if it were SKs writing this. I'll pick just one:

I've spent the last 2 years living with my Dad and SM after I decided at the last minute not to go to uni and demanded I live with them rent free. When I'm home, it makes everyone miserable. I'll be finally going off at the end of this year but am expecting to come back whenever I want and live off the income of 4 adults (BM+SF, BF+SM) whilst I'm studying, live in the best student accommodation and still buy multiple pairs of designer trainers every few weeks. I am dreading the time I come back to either home and the only way I can cope is to drift from home to home after I have fallen out with someone or it's in my interest to go to the other house until I get what I want at any point in time (the correct food I demand, a loan, forms filling in, more money, connections).

SM refuses to go on holiday with me. I'll ignore the fact that I ruined the holiday when we first went away together, that I caused a rift in the family that hasn't healed to this day, that I nearly drove my SM to a breakdown with my behaviour, that I never apologised, that my SM's stomach tightens every time I enter a room, that my SM has to walk outside the house and take deep breaths each time I begin my suffocating speeches on what I want, how everything should be organised according to my demands, and speak down to BF. That my SF shuts himself away in his home office and can't bear to be near me. That I nearly had a fight with my SF after he defended my BM against me. That when my BF defended my SM against me after I verbally attacked her as soon as my BF's back was turned, I made sure I'd do everything under the sun to destroy them. I'll keep quiet about all of that. I'll just say my SM refuses to go on holiday with me.

Despite both SPs standing by infuriated that my BM and BF still pay for my holidays, they've started to ask me to contribute to things, and I actually think they might even expect me to pay for a holiday myself. Of course this is inconceivable.I wanted a car recently, it was above my budget, but after I explained there was no point getting a car that wasn't my dream car, the parents caved in and I got what I wanted. I resent the time SM and BF spend together, even when I am sitting non stop in front of the play station all weekend, they go off and have a good time. This is not normal surely. I haven't got any conversation, I only want money from my BF, I have treated everyone terribly, and I storm out of rooms if ever the conversation isn't going my way, but I still expect him to spend time with me without her being around.

I expect to have a social life and that costs money. So I fully expect my parents to fund music festivals, train journeys, and have huge amounts of money given to me for birthdays and christmas. I don't know why SM doesn't seem to be very enthusiastic each time I buy £400 trainers which I keep saying are an "investment" but which I wear and kick off dirty. Just because they buy economically and save up for things, and I don't contribute anything to the house, she's just jealous obviously. After I messed my BF around again and again asking him to set aside a day for me at a weekends to look for cars, and repeatedly failing to get out of bed, or organising something else and ruining their weekend, I cannot understand at all why SM was peeved when at the last minute BF cancelled another day with her to spend with me. I mean, it's just one day!!!

Usually I roll my eyes whenever they talk about the sponging generation, or suggest I make up my mind what to do, or let them know if I intend on living here. When they talk about WWII young heroes of 17 year old on Remembrance Day, I make quips that it's so boring and there's nothing great about them, they just did what they were told to do, and walk out the room.  I can't understand why there's an uncomfortable atmosphere in the room each time I enter a room and proceed to tell everyone how great I am, and how much better than all my peers I am and what a bunch of losers adults are.  At Christmas, I can't believe SM actually was surprised none of us SKs had given her a card, let alone any present.  And can you believe she actually expected us to help with the dinner preparations? And even clear up? We left her in the kitchen and made sure we weren't around such negative energy. It's not normal is it?

I can't think of anything I've done to upset her.  I just try to be nice and sociable, and do whatever I want, when I want. I'm really quite an incredible young man, as I keep telling everyone.  Sometimes all their plans are ruined but that's just because I am running late or decide to do something and make my BF late, but what does that matter, it's just an evening!  Basically, what have I done wrong? I use this line a lot when everyone around me throws their hands up in disgust, or storm out of rooms, or says something to me I don't like. If I try and look like a little wounded boy and turn to my BF in a pleading, innocent way when I say it I have found that to be particularly effective.

Something has to change before I decide to sponge off them permanently. In fact, I said precisely this before I demanded I live with them, but I don't know how to make this better because I'm just perfection incarnate.

I'd appreciate any money or compliements you have.

Here's some advice my dad gave to me a long time ago. NEVER borrow money to go on holiday/vacation. If you can't afford to pay cash or pay it off in a month, don't go. Seriously don't go. Do not use your student loan on this. I disagree with others here, if you are 21 and in full time education and your mom wants to go away with you - it's for her to pay the lion's share. It's definitely not for you to go into debt to travel with your mom. Holidays are a luxury and not a necessity. 

I'm only two years into my relationship with a man with kids, so yeah I don't LOVE it when he has to go away to spend time with his kids without me. But I'll survive. I think it makes it easier because I do have a son myself, so I do understand.

Let me say this though - my mom remarried at about this point in my life and it's super hard. My SF also said a bunch of stuff that was just plain hurtful and rude and frankly wrong, but I had little understanding of the impact of my behaviour on him, too.  Just give him a wide berth. Don't plan to move back in with them. Make other plans. Over time you may find that you have a different relationship with him as you become a proper working adult. 

This is one of the suckiest things about divorce/re-marriage at this age. If you're from a middle-class intact family you have two parents pulling for you financially and emotionally. If your parents remarry you often have a parent trying to help you get established and their partner who has (legitimate) interests in a completly different direction. I'm sorry, but your mom's home is not your home anymore. Frankly your SF sounds like a jerk. But that's the way it is. 

Something a young , proud disabled lad said to me as he served me at the checkout. Dad told me , “Your 18 now son, I have paid to have you educated you take it from here!”

21 pays all their own expenses.

Your step father is an ass.  From what you have shared, that appears to be the case anyway.

The good news is that you are nearly done with Uni and can launch without having to expose yourself to his idiocy for long.

Once you have a job and are in your own place then you can start giving your mother clarity on the fact that she married an immature vindictive asshole.  My concern is more for your mom than for you in this situation.  You are going to start your own life adventure as a full fledged adult soon.   I hope your mom gains clarity on this toxic ass she is married to.

At least that is how I see him based on your original post.

Congratulations on finishing school.

I can see both sides of the money issue.  I would have to say that at age 21 you should take care of your part of the holiday expense.  I would not take out loans to do so, however.  I have two bio boys - love them to death.  After re-marrying I have gained two step daughters, 26 and 29.  That is their bio age - not maturity level.  I am all for helping people when in need BUT at the age they are I feel that it is disrespectful of them to expect their Dad to still pay their cell phone, car insurance, car payments and extra spending money.  Shame on them for thinking that is okay.  But, shame on my husband for not also putting his foot down and saying "no" to the expenses.  Their Dad paid these expenses from day one but he needs to draw the line very soon I would think.  I think it is important for them, as females, to start taking care of themselves and not be dependant on others.  

When I remarried, I was so excited to have girls in the family.  Boy, was I wrong.  They say and do the meanest things I would never say or do to anyone.  For your SF to say what he did when he did was wrong, in my book.  He just shouldn't have said anything at all.  To me it sounds like he was intentially leaving you out of the equation or trying to make a point.  Been there, done that. I could see where one might think he may not have wanted to make you feel lncomfortable but I don't think so.  Because of how my SD's have treated me I have disengaged.  I did not go to TX with my husband when he went to visit his 26 year old daughter.  She has said that I ruin her vacation when I go.  Little does she know it goes both ways.  My husband refused to fly when he wanted to visit and I did not want him driving 13 hours by himslef.  That is why I went on the last visit.  It was for him.  She was soooo awful to me that I told him I would never do it again.    

It isn't the way I wanted it in the beginning but it is the healthiest thing I can do.  So, from the SD's perspective, I am sure they feel like I don't want them around.  It wasn't always that way.  I just have more pride in myself to know that I don't deserve their awful treatment.  I have been told I am not family, I am not considered their bio-family and how dare I try and drive a wedge between their family.  When they come over, my stomach get upset, I don't like it when they come over only because they are not nice and say awful things.  I prefer to stay away from their negative ways.  Maybe that is what you do to your SF. Create your own happiness without him.  If he makes you feel like you are not wanted there, then go be with those that do.  You will be much more happy!

I would be a little worried about your Mom, however.  It is good that she continues to spend time with you regardless of what SF says.  I just hope he isn't trying to control every aspect of her life.  He almost sounds jealous.  

It is not easy - I wish you the best!

Kaylene

So the holiday thing. Starting at 18 I was on my own for them. If I went on one, I had to save up myself. I honeslty haven't been on one with my parents since graduating high school. So I get you funding your own way. I don't think you should have taken out student loans. If you can't afford a holiday, tough noogies, you don't go on a holiday. 

They are newly weds. Not every holiday should involve you. If they can only afford one a year, then it makes sense that they might want it to be just them. I don't think he should be refusing to go on holiday with you. But frankly, even DH and I try and get away every so often just us two. And we're full time raising the girls. Plus you're 21. I didn't even get invited on vacations after graduating. Because I was an adult. 

If you're dreading moving home. Maybe don't? Get a job and find your own little place. Start saving now.

I agree that the "not family" comment was uncalled for. That's just rude and disrespectful. Your mom should have mentioned something to him about that.

Honestly I see all this as give and take. I think your mom needs to stand up for you with his behavior. He needs to stop whining. No one should be treated poorly. And that you do need to drop the entitlement. Neither side is really right in this situation imho.