deal breaker?
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Would it be a deal breaker for anyone if your in laws and extended family did not put forth any effort to get to know you or include you and your child. They have no problem talking and inviting the ex wife all the time. Which I don't care if she's around or not but I'd like for them to at least try to get to know Me and my child and they dont. My fiance has no issue with it bec he doesn't communicate with them a while lot anyways but I'm very family oriented and it's driving me crazy that I can't have a relationship with these people if I'm going to be married to their son.
I told him that I was no
I told him that I was no longer going to be involved and he got mad but that's exactly what I told him I was protecting my son. I grew up with my step dad's family like that and I refuse for my son to feel the way I did growing up. Just sucks I'm trying to suck it up bec I love him but it's hard sometimes
I never suck up to anyone you
I never suck up to anyone you either like me or you dont. I have disengaged completely bec I do not want my child to feel any different bec of them. They weren't close to his ex until she had their child. Now she practically lives with them. It's just annoying I guess. He's made it clear to them that he's with me and that's where he's gonna stay. They haven't ever wanted us to be together for some reason. They hardly know me. I do however get along great with his dads side of the family and that's the side she doesn't get along with. He says it's bec she's just like his mom's side. Fake. Everyone on his mom's side except for his mom is really two faced. But they treat his son Sooo good and it just sucks that my son isn't included. It hurts to see them post pics on facebook of his son and his brothers son and everyone swimming or doing activities and me and my son were not invited or included. Like I said I grew up dealing with that and I never want my son to feel the way I did. So I'm not going to even try to talk or see them anymore. If he wants to spend time with his family on the rare occasions he does then I just won't go
Sometimes love ain't enough.
Sometimes love ain't enough. Don't subject your son to what was done to you. You're a MOM FIRST. Now, I'm in the minority here on ST, I put my kids first at all times, most STalkers say to put your marriage first. Either way though in this situation of yours, I think most would agree- your son came first, before you met this guy.. This would not be fair to him- or YOU for that matter.
No it would not be a deal
No it would not be a deal breaker for me. DD and I have our own family and don't need DH's. He doesn't have much to do with them anyway, so it's not something I concern myself with.
It wouldn't be a deal breaker
It wouldn't be a deal breaker for me AT ALL.
In-laws can be jerks but if they are not outright rude, I probably wouldn't worry about it too much. It doesn't sound like your FDH is very close with them, anyway.
How long have you and your SO
How long have you and your SO been together? How long was he with his Ex? Do his relatives live near you?
If you experienced the pain of being excluded in the past and are sensitive to that, then yes, I would consider carefully before marrying into a family that won't let you in. And if you are a family oriented person, then no, I wouldn't recommend marrying someone who isn't.
In what way does your fiancé expect you to be involved with his family? You say that he doesn't communicate with them very much; Does he expect you to handle communication for him?
We have been together on and
We have been together on and off for 8 years I was around before his ex wife was even though of. His family has never wanted us together and it sucks bec they don't know me. He has made it clear that he wants to be with me. And they weren't going to change that him and his ex were together for 2 12 years married for almost 1. They live abt 5 miles from us. No he doesn't expect me to communicate with them at all. He doesn't see why I have a problem with being excluded when he doesn't mess with them much anyways. And for me i could care less to be honest it's my son who I do not want to feel excluded or different or left out.
Yes Echo, I agree with you-
Yes Echo, I agree with you- up and to a point. Will her child see the steps involved with that other family, and wonder why he isn't included? That kind of thing can damage a kid.
It won't damage him if mom
It won't damage him if mom makes it clear that they aren't his relatives. They do not have to like or include her son in anything.
That is what I'm afraid of. I
That is what I'm afraid of. I know it messed me up when I grew up and wasn't included or felt like I was loved the same way my half siblings were. That's why I'm just disengaging and not outing him in the situation in the first place
You are absolutely right. I'm
You are absolutely right. I'm coming from this place: why even bring these toxic people into her son's life? Really, in a perfect world, your way would work out. But kids are vulnerable, and human, and he WILL feel rejected. Been there. I never shielded my kids from life- hell, I had a monster drinking problem that I had to deal with that I did my best to hide from them, but they knew. (And respect me now for being sober thank GOD) But I would never, ever deliberately bring people into their lives that would be heartless to them. Not happening. I'm supposed to PROTECT them from harm, not invite it in.
My family are toxic too...
My family are toxic too... They hate my husband ( never met him) and love my exh... Although when I announced I was divorcing my ex 6 years ago, they all thought it was a great idea and how they never liked him and we weren't suited ( married 24 years)
Advice... Live your own life and stop caring what others think. No matter what they will always find fault
It's a deal breaker only if
It's a deal breaker only if your SO goes along with your inlaws - my DH once told his mom off on my behalf, he's got my back when it comes to them so it's not a deal breaker for me. But if you aren't able to ignore them and their hurtful actions - and there will be lots of them - then you should reevaluate your commitment.
Bm lives with inlaws on and
Bm lives with inlaws on and off. It's annoying. I've jist decided to disengage with them and worry about myself my son and fiance only
No, it hasn't changed my
No, it hasn't changed my loving my SO.
How old is your child?
How old is your child?
3
3
How could they not be sweet
How could they not be sweet to a 3 year old. I don't know. I think you won't get what you are looking for and it is just too hard to wait and around and see if they will change. I don't know
I think the family should be
I think the family should be inclusive. It is what it is. No one loves divorce, but can't we all love children? Just include everyone b/c obviously your child has been through something and their blood relatives have been through something. I don't know. I'm sorry about that.
My parents literally treat my SKs like their own grandchildren. Included in the xmas card photo they send out of their grandkids, have them over to swim, get them xmas gifts and bday gifts just as they do for my child and their other grandchildren. . they have bent over backwards and been awesome-even when I've said that it is ok for them to set boundaries too and to not feel guilty ever about anything.
They make the effort and they do it because they LOVE ME. SO, your DH's family should make the effort and fake it til they make it not because they truly love you or your child (yet, it takes time!-no one has the benefit of nibbling on little toes b/c these situations don't come on the scene when the kids are babies) n't because they love your DH. They don't have to love you or your child. They really don't. They do have to treat everyone with respect and kindness and be inclusive as they would if it were an intact family.
I just think if you are family oriented this will make you crazy and you will resent. This is a warning flag. If it does not fit with your vision of what you won't then do not do it to yourself or your son. Don't expect people to change.