Change Visitation?.....but I feel terrible
Hello,
So I have been dealing with a blended family situation for about a year now. I have an 8yr son and a SD who is 5 yrs old. And we have a new baby on the way. We have my son every other weekend.
My SO has basically spelled out that she is so completely unhappy when he is over that she wants me to approach BM about changing visitation. Probably just a day visit every other weekend, no over night visits.
My son, was diagnosed as high-functioning autistic last year. So he is highly emotional and doesn't understand much of the situation about why things have changed. I met with BM and a mediator to finalize current custody in October to our current situation. The problem is that he is NOT a good influence on SD. She is slowly realizing that she should not look up to him. My SO does not want them playing together or even being in the car for extended periods. Honestly, the fighting between them is so exhausting. I've never felt more helpless than trying to get them to behave when he is over. My son says he is more happy with BM and Step-dad and likes it there better.
I love my SO and want her to be happy, but it is so hard when he is over for her. We are looking into counseling. I feel incredibly guilty for "abandoning" time with my son, in an effort to make more people happy. BTW, I really like her SD, she is well-behaved and generally easy to be around. But there is no BioD in the situation, we have her 100%.
Should I approach BM about changing visitation? I can't predict what BM will do and I can't afford another lengthy court dispute. Any help or insight would be greatly appreciated.
Echo, Yes, his issues were
Echo,
Yes, his issues were present and my SO knew about them. The negative feelings really started when we moved in together and he was in our house. IMHO, its really about her hatred for his BM. She sees him as an extension of her.
Her big thing is that we are starting a new family together. My son prefers to be with his BM and step dad, so why not let him? We don't really have enough space for everyone with our living situation, which makes it harder when he's over.
I just wish she could even have an ounce of ambivalence, instead of hounding me with negatives and how I need to change visitation.
Thanks for your feedback, Echo.
So she expects you to play
So she expects you to play daddy to her kid but toss your kid to the side??
Maybe it's time to get your own place.
I'm horrified by your wife's
I'm horrified by your wife's requests..simply, horrified. Of course, I am a bm to a mentally retarded 9yo boy. I was SO SENSITIVE about dating after his father and I separated and divorced. I worried that few men could handle helping to raise 3 kids..including a MR 9yo. I met my current dh...I slowly introduced him to my son's personality via stories..then introduced them in person. He eventually told me "I can't believe you thought he would be an issue. He's one of your most endearing qualities."
You don't get to quit your job as parent because it's rough...because you were handed an atypical child. No way...Echo said it beautifully.
Your wife needs a reality check. She married a good man..one that won't abandon his child because it's inconvenient for her.
i agree with the passionate
i agree with the passionate comments of the other stepmoms. i have to add that as a stepmom myself, there are days that i would love my SD to not live with us BUT i will never do anything to separate my DH from his own daughter. that is not right, your wife does not have the right to ask you that. if you love her because you honestly feel she is the love of your life, you both need to go to counseling to figure out how to deal with the challenges that your son's condition brings to the marriage and how to deal with the selfish requests from your wife.
be careful, think hard...and you will find the answer inside of you. do not let yourself be manipulated by anyone. you son needs you and you have to be thre for him on a regular basis. really, go to counseling...do not make any decisions before that!!!!
i have to admit that it kind of makes my blood boils, becasue me and many on this site deal with Skids fulltime in our houses and we work hard ot do the best for them ,for our sanity and for the family, and in your case, you see your kid very little already and she is not willing to help you or work with you...that is really bad
I agree all around. You sound
I agree all around. You sound like a great guy and what she's asking you to do is horrible. If someone told me to give my son away because it was hard on them I would tell them to keep it moving.
With a new baby on the way
With a new baby on the way maybe it is more difficult for your wife. Can you make this visitation a time that you take the child out just the two of you and spend time together? Visit with family,,giving the child your full attention with age appropriate activities.
This has been talked about. I
This has been talked about. I think with the new baby on the way it has become more of an issue. Its just really hard on all of us. He is usually crying when he gets dropped off (it's a Friday night to Sunday night) and is continually asking when he is going home, that he misses his BM and Step-dad, etc. He's made it plainly clear that he doesn't like it.
Personally, I want to see how he will react to the new baby in the family. I'm just very hesitant to do anything, especially with the court case finalized less than two months ago. I feel that I can deal with the situation as it is. But my SO thinks it needs to be changed ASAP. Just hard.
Of course he cries...it's
Of course he cries...it's hard to go back and forth. Change is especially hard on kids with special needs. It will get easier..it will be his new normal. Patience and consistency will help. Besides..what lesson would he learn..that crying is effective manipulation and parents will do anything to stop you from sadness? No way. He's spending time with his Dad..not prison.
How would your wife feel if your response to her concern for the new baby and ss adjusting was that she should abort the baby? Essentially, it's what she's asking of you.
I'd ask your sons teachers
I'd ask your sons teachers and therapists. It may NOT get better. It might never be better. It could get even worse for him because going back and forth is NOT normal. He's autistic, he needs structure and consistency. You might very well need to give up overnights for his sake. You might have to make the hard decision that it's best for your son for you to have a regular Saturday or Sunday afternoon date rather than the usual bided eow schedule.
I hear what everyone is saying but this boy isn't your average everyday kid who is going to feel Ed. He ALREADY feels abandoned by mom and step dad every other weekend when he comes to your house.
I think coming here and asking the questions you did was very brave. And I'm not usually completely off compared to a lot of folks here, but I feel your kids pain and yours. I also think if we were talking to a sm about her shitty dh and her skid we would tell her to eff that.... I bet most would say ...Skid can't come put your kids in danger or make your bio act up. And what if skid is mean to the new baby because its unfamiliar and strange and confusing...Skid should go back to bm where he belongs if he can't behave.... You guys know it's true. We are mean that way. I think that's what a lot of usnwould say because when step moms get their hackles up.... Well we defend.
So I'd ask his therapist what's best for him.