Can't stand step daughter
Listen, I know how this is going to sound. So I don't want to hear from the people who will judge me and tell me I'm a horrible person.
I already feel horrible for feeling this way. I just don't know what to do.
So here is my story....
I can't stand my 4 year old step daughter. She is a total mess and I just can't stand to be around her.
Her behaviour is atrocious. För the first part...she can't do things a child her age would do. Or rather she won't. She won't learn how to eat with a fork...she would rather use her hands and wipe them all over herself and the cushions afterwards. She won't get herself dressed...she just stands there and waits for her father to dress her. When we try and show her how to get dressed so just cries and begs her dad to do it. Sa me with her shoes.
She talks in a baby voice and says Dada and goo goo ga ga. She can't form sentences and her father thinks it's cute.
She refuses to eat anything that doesn't have sugar or carbs. So chicken and veggies is a nightmare. But I refuse to make a separate meal for her. We eat healthy food and she makes a scene everytime.she will put her fingers down her throat and barf on the table to not eat her food. Once she leaves the table she is happy as can be and asks for snacks/desserts.
She can't use please or thank you when asking/receiving anything. When she wants something she screams out "I'm thirsty" or holds up her glass and says "drink!" In a whiney voice. And her father gets it for her.
She doesn't listen. Everything is talking back. Today I said "please don't yell upstairs the baby is sleeping" with the response "why? I am playing!"
Everything is talking back. I have to have child locks on my cabinets with my breakables because she keeps going in there after I told her no. She says "it's in our house...so they are my things!"
She talks back to other people. Like my parents. Up at their summer home my parents had to discipline her and yell at her because she is acting dangerously...she will go near the water without a life jacket and knows the rules. When told to come back she says "why? I'm not gojng to get hurt! Leave me alone!"
She does weird behaviour like puts my make up in her vagina. Takes poops on the floor and smears it everywhere and on herself. She tried to put a fork up her bum at the dinner table yesterday.
She is abusive to our tiny dog. My dog actually. When she is disciples with a time out or yelled at...she goes and kicks the dog. She picked him up which has been a rule since day one...no picking up the dog. ..and dropped him and he landed on his head.
This child is our of control. And when she does something like this...right after she will go up to her father and bat her eyes and say "I love you daddy. You're the best daddy in the whole world" then he feels bad for her.
She whines like no other to get her way because her father and mother give into her.
That's only half of the things she has done. I can't even describe how frustrated I am. Her behaviour is borderline dangerous and I don't know how to fix it without the lot her on board.
She ran away from our house 2 weekends ago and we couldn't find her. Then after 20 mins we hear her at the neighbour's. She didn't think it was a big deal and I don't know how to change her insight.
We have a new baby and both fiancé and I are terrified to leave her alone I the same room.
I told my fiance to contact her mother because o don't want that child here anymore unless she can listen and respect us. If she hurts this baby (took me years to be able to have her) I will kill her myself. We'll didnt her bio mum judt laugh??!! And say it's her age! Relax!
Well most kids learn to listen after the first 4 times. Not having to repeat every minute of the day or when the dog nips at her...you'd think she would learn to not bug him...no.
So I don't know what to do. Both my fiance and I get in horrible moods when she is here. We don't talk to each other. I just sit in our room with the baby. Feed her up here and hold her and watch TV instead of being around her since I can't trust her behaviour. I don't know what to do about her...her behaviour and his lack of parenting is ruining our relationship.
What should I do?? Therapy? Counselling as a family?
Help! I love my fiance. He is the father of my baby...he can be a jerk sometimes but whatever...I don't want us to breakup!
You hate a 4 year old for
You hate a 4 year old for behaving the way her parents taught her to behave?????
The father is a horrendous parent, yet you decide to have a child with him. WHY???
HOW can you hate a FOUR YEAR OLD, but love the man who doesn't care enough to parent his own kid.
You don't want to break up
You don't want to break up why exactly?
Dad (and mom but there's crap all you can do about that) is the issue here. He feels bad for her when she smears excrement everywhere? When she makes herself barf?
Therapy would be great. For him. To help him understand that he's a shit parent and crippling his kid. I'd tell him his kid isn't welcome in your home until he takes parenting classes and gets this nonsense under control. Unless he's the custodial parent he doesn't Have to take his visitation and he can certainly use it outside your house. Otherwise your only other real play is to move the hell out to keep your kid and your dog safe. If your fiancé is too lazy and guilty and pathetic to stop Dangerous and disgusting behavior there isn't going to be anything you can do to fix this situation. It will be the options of stay and live with it or leave.
Your boyfriend sounds like a
Your boyfriend sounds like a real keeper. Why doesn't he get his daughter some help?
She does weird behaviour like puts my make up in her vagina. Takes poops on the floor and smears it everywhere and on herself. She tried to put a fork up her bum at the dinner table yesterday.
That is beyond weird behavior, that is seriously effed up. Something is wrong with this little girl but I guess nobody cares.
Please rehome the dog. It
Please rehome the dog. It does not deserve to live in that chaos and being hurt by a 4 year old.
Yes, your new baby is at risk here of being injured by this brat.
You need some parenting classes and counseling - especially on how to set boundaries.
Do you SERIOUSLY respect your BF for allowing his child to behave is such a horrific manner? That kid rules your house, Period. It's all about her.
BF needs to step up and be a parent, not sit back and let the kid do whatever it wants to. The BM must be some piece of work, because I'll be that brat behaves like that all the time.
Its amazing what the word NO will do combined with a little smack on the hand.
The kid may behave just fine
The kid may behave just fine with mom. Kids know who they they can get over on and who will not put up with the bullshit.
There was a another poster here who had 2 SDs that were absolutely awful at dad's house, but not with their mother. It was so bad, that dad would ask mom to make the kids behave when they were with him.
I'm assuming your new baby is
I'm assuming your new baby is his, so when it comes to all the "why don't you dump this guy talk" I understand that it's not as easy thing to hear let alone do. (Although with my experience i'd say the sooner the better if you don't wanna deal with this stuff, or you'll be even more stuck in some ways)
When I had BS, SS was 5 and I dare say extremely similar in behavior to your SD. He'd hurt my little terrier and almost bounced the baby over in his bouncer. FH was disneyland dad and SS could do no wrong. Everyone says It's horrible to say you don't like little kids, but those people are just saving face...there are A LOT of people out there who don't like their skids, most just won't admit it for fear of backlash like some of the comments above. Anyway.... I eventually had to sit down with my fiancee (DH now) and lay it all out for him. The behavior was overlooked and he hadn't realized how serious the issues were until I basically forced him to look harder. I then asked what role he thought I should take with SS, what I was allowed to discipline him for (if it was mine you bet there'd be rules), what punishments would be set in place, etc and we agreed on these types of things and taught them to SS and started holding him accountable for his behavior. also sat SS down and informed him of STRICT rules on ANYTHING that was mine or the baby's, especially the dog. Which eventually learned better and now never comes out from under the bed when SS is here anyway. It has taken baby steps and 4 years and a lot of re-hashing stuff with him, but his parenting has gotten better. I disengaged completely for nearly two years to keep from going crazy. SS has since been diagnosed ADHD and can still be awful, but knowing what the boundaries are and DH finally stepping up really helps a lot.
IMO it's definitely okay to hide in your room with baby. I've been there.
Where would a FOUR year old
Where would a FOUR year old even get the idea to put something in her vagina??
Question for OP (if she comes back) -- How long have you known your fiance?
Call CPS (or whatever your
Call CPS (or whatever your local child protection agency is) and report her behaviour. Namely the makeup and fork stuff. That screams sexual abuse or being exposed to media far too pornographic for her to see. And if nothing else you made an attempt to bring this behavior to the attention of law enforcement. What would you do if it turns out she is being molested and you did nothing to prevent it?
The child is not the problem. It is the ineffectual father who thinks faeces smeared on walls is an expression of art. A man who thinks it is OK to make yourself throw up at the dinner table is acceptable. The man is a trainwreck and why you chose him to father your children quite escapes me.
Bloody free range parenting at it finest. Get out now. Live in separate homes until the child is normalised although it is unlikely. Because she will only get worse as she gets older and then you will have her damaged 20sdomething self living with you guys forever because eventually BM will dump her on you and take off.
Time to play the "Get her
Time to play the "Get her under control before I have or STFU while I deal with it. If I have to deal with it, she nor you will like it so I suggest that you get it done before I have to." card.
If she eats with her hands rather than the appropriate table ware smack her on the ass with a load POP remove her from the table, put her to bed, and she can try again at the next meal. No quarter, no deviation, just do it.
If she approaches the dog .... swat to the ass.
If she approaches the baby.... swat to the ass.
If she does not do what she is told, when she is told .... swat to the ass.
If she does something dangerous to herself of others ... swat the ass and she sits where she is told and stays there until you get tired.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
This kid is obviously sexually abused. 4yo kids do not insert objects in their sexual organs or butts as a normal course of development. Sure, a piece of gravel or a small game piece in their ear or nose is one thing but cosmetics in her vagina and a fork up her butt is something else entirely. Get this kid help and get her out of your home and away from your baby before something tragic happens.
Now for a question. Why did you spawn with such an idiot of a parent? You knew him and his daughter before you spawned with him. You knew what kid of child he has created with his inept parenting and complete lack of character. What the hell were you thinking?
Dup!!!!!
Dup!!!!!
It is about boundaries and
It is about boundaries and inforcement IMHO. Dad and BM need to be in prison or this little girl is not going to have a good outcome. If any two people on the planet had no business spawning it is this 4yo's BM and Sperm Donor.
Sad.
If this kid's behavior had
If this kid's behavior had been monitored, modeled, and inforced the insertion issues would not exist. So, structure and inforce and the insertion issues go away.
NO! swat .....
No more issues after the kid is trained.
I would be laughing if this was not such a disgusting situation.
As for how you structure your own behavior ..... thanks for politely waiting until everyone is done with the meal and the makeup. If I visit you remind me to double wash the silverware.
Fortunately I am not a makeup wearer.
Echo, It is about boundaries
Echo,
It is about boundaries and acceptable behavior. Of course that is not all of what I would do to address this kid's behavior. Therapy, activities, love, engaging support, teaching, etc...
But yes, I would set boundaries, enforce them, and swat her butt when she violated appropriate behavior requirements.
As your tag line says ... if it is important you'll find a way. If not you will find an excuse. We do a great job here of being supportive and giving advice and suggestions. What we struggle with is solutions. Without solutions and effective behavior modification very few Stalkers will ever resolve the issues they come her for help with.
There is no excuse for tolerance of this little girls behavior. It must be addressed, addressed assertively, and addressed now. Without development of an effective solution this kid is likely doomed to truly fucked up life. So, spank her ass, counsel, keep her so busy she has no energy for the toxic bullshit behaviors, hunt the molesters down and turn them into puppy food (figuratively ... for the most part), protect the rest of the family from her toxic crap, and get her the comprehensive help she needs.... etc.........
Echo, As much as we all
Echo,
As much as we all would love to have all kids be well behaved and tolerable sadly too many kids are cursed with abject failures for parents and have never had boundaries or behavioral standards required of them. Sometimes those kids need more than reason, a sensitive time out, and a "don't do that again" speech for the umpteenth time to catch a clue and be parented to a state of acceptable behavior.
I have never advocated whole sale beatings of children though I do believe that corporal punishment is an effective method of applying consequences for some kids. Your kids are fortunate, as are most, to have involved and caring parents. Most kids with that advantage do not require too many spankings if any. However, some kids do. Parents who fail to provide boundaries and consequences are abject parental failures including those who do not swat an incorrigible kid butt upon occasion when the touchy feely, time out, hug it out, crap does not work. There is a reason why kid behavior in classrooms has degraded from the days when teachers kept a paddle on their desk and used it when necessary. I cannot remember a single kid public meltdown from my youth but they are nearly a daily event these days. Parents who do not control their spawn and insist on infecting the rest of society with their parental failures make me want to puke. Well parented kids are well behaved and are not the ones running amok with mommy and daddy trying to rein them in while in public. You can tell the abject parental failure idiot parents. They are the ones that have the petrified look on their faces that their spawn are going to do what they always do and mortify the parents in public. The good parents are confident and take their kids anywhere they want and the kids are a pleasure to see and watch.
One of my closest and dearest friends is one of those parents who cringe any time he is in public with his daughter. He is also one who regularly comments to my bride and I on how well behaved our son was his entire childhood. He also regularly comments that he now understands why we were strict with our kid. What he calls strict we call disciplined. We could take our kid anywhere, at any time, to do anything because we were consistent and he knew what acceptable behavior was and was not. Well parented kids know. Poorly parented kids ... well ... they don't know but they need to.
I have never nor would I ever beat any child much less an abused one. Now a spanking is a completely different topic of discussion.
Your statement "But your only method of parenting is to hit kids." as with any wholesale all encompassing statement is patently false. There is far more to how I parent which has never included hitting. In fact I have never hit a child. Any child. Do I advocate corporal punishment when necessary? ... Absolutely. You should clearly know the difference between abuse, hitting, and a spanking. The differences are not rocket science Echo. The differences are ones that you are capable of comprehending.
Your comment “It's what you advocate for every child, every time, no matter what." is what bullshit is. I do not recommend it for every child, every time, no matter what. Once again you are getting yourself in trouble with the wholesale all encompassing statements.
However, I do recommend a spanking for children who are out of control and who obviously need to be reined into a condition of acceptable behavior.
What a crock of crap.... I
What a crock of crap.... I don't believe any of this for a second
Anyone else find it crazy
Anyone else find it crazy that a kid sat at a table with two grown ass adult and tried to pull off the disappearing fork trick? How is that even possible? Unless the kid eats butt ass naked, I don't get how she could even atempt the fork trick.
The kid had to start undressing in preparation for the trick. One would assume that one of the TWO ADULTS sitting at the table would have told Little Miss Magic to keep her damn clothes on. Kinda hard to insert stuff in you bottom when you're fully dressed.
"She talks in a baby voice
"She talks in a baby voice and says Dada and goo goo ga ga. She can't form sentences and her father thinks it's cute."
However gives example after example of vocabulary abilities:
"why? I'm not going to get hurt! Leave me alone!" , "why? I am playing!", "I love you daddy. You're the best daddy in the whole world".
Forks in bums, Make-up in vaginas, totting too close to water's edge with no life jacket...if I was believing any of this story I'd ask does anybody fricken ever supervise this kid. Four year olds are not mature enough nor responsible enough to be trusted to keep themselves 100% safe. Regardless of how ever many times they've been told. But of course all adults are suppose to just yell and yell at them announcing 'how many times have I told you' (*rolling eyes*).
Meh, at least the OP included wild scenarios, a mistreated animal and the new poor baby having to be hidden upstairs...those are always three things to get the ball rolling. Along with the 'don't judge me' with the 'but I love my BF and don't wanna break up'. :sick:
If this craziness is true,
If this craziness is true, the OP will be shooting herself in the foot if she calls CPS. Everything she posted points to a lack of adult supervision in her home. A caseworker could find both adults neglectful. If that happens, they may decide that SD shouldn't visit dad's home until he gets his act together.
BUT, the OP's baby could be removed from the home because both parents live there are both are bring neglectful.
I have to say to all that I
I have to say to all that I truly don't appreciate the way you are attacking the poster. She came here for advice, help and to vent, just as we all do, about a real and true problem in her life. With that being said, if you can't find it in your heart to respond to her like an adult with respect, don't post at all.
Newmom2015, I have two SD's. I've been in their lives with they were 2 & 4 (they're 7 & 9 now) and I completely understand what you are feeling and going through, both of my SKIDS were exactly like your 4yo SD. Please feel free to private message me if you'd like to vent - away from the negativity.
I will publicly say that even though you cannot see it at this very moment, your FEELING of "hatred" is misplaced at this point. No one is helping or teaching this little girl right from wrong or encouraging her to flourish into a toddler who can do things for herself. Unfortunately, her learning/behavior/patterns all lay in the hands of the parent she lives with full time, and her visits to you guys have to suffer for it. I know that it cause turmoil and tension. I know it causes you to live in hell during those visits. It doesn't get much better when they're raised like that.
What the hell did I just
What the hell did I just read????
Poop smearing, a vagina as a make up purse? A diner time hobby of playing hide the fork in the butt. What??
Yeah, she did deserve the replies she got Posh Mama. Either this is a crew or some very sick people!!!!
If I witness what the OP has with a boyfriend, you bet I would not hate the FOUR Year Old, I would be calling CPS.
Something sick is going on. No, OP does not need support, she needs some MORALS.
just sick sick sick.
It honestly sounds like you
It honestly sounds like you SD needs to be in her own therapy. That kind of behavior is not normal and you don't know what she has been exposed to in her mother's home or elsewhere. Sometimes children act out because they don't know how to handle the feelings that they are having. I would say focus on getting her to a child psychologist and go from there. I can only imagine how nervous that makes you around your baby and I totally agree that something has to be done.
I call fake, lady never came
I call fake, lady never came back, I also question PoshMama's validity up here. She is only 6 days new on here as well....Eh, This story is just that a fictional story
Ummmm, make up in her vagina?
Ummmm, make up in her vagina? Shit smearing? She needs a psych evaluation. I didn't even know I had a vagina at 4 years old and when I figured out that I had one I certainly didn't place foreign objects in it. The shit smearing is particularly disturbing and alarming. I think this goes beyond normal attention seeking behavior. I would encourage her father to have her evaluated as soon as possible.