Boundary with his Ex & ex-in laws
:jawdrop: dear all,
I really need to hear some of your advice!
I am new here. I have been dating with My boyfriend for six months and we've talked about building a life together in the future. He is very wonderful in many aspects (except very frugal ) as well as a father to his two teenage girls.
The problem is Ex and the boundary issue I am not if I am overreacting or it is common and reasonable nowadays...
1) he's divorced for seven years but still share a cell phone family plan with his Ex.
2) he told me in his will, his ex-mother in law is his power attorney because he trusts ex-mom-in law will make a right decision for him if he's once in a coma ( he doesn't have intention to change it even after he divorced seven years ago).
3) he has a tractor and still parks in ex-mom in law's house. He says the ex-mom-in law doesn't charge him for parking so he appreciates that. So he would sometimes do some house work for ex-mom-in law in return (she's a widow ). But for the ex-mom in law to show her appreciation as well, she would also make dinner and invite him to stay for dinner. This included twice (according to what he said) when Ex was at home so they ALL had meals together.
4) recently the ex is going on a business trip during weekdays and ask him to stay over in her house so he can take care of the girls. They live in a one-hour drive distance and the girls' school bus time is 7:00 am do it makes him hard to take the girls to his own house. That's what he said so that he had to stay over nights in his Ex house.
5) another time his Ex's trip conflicted with his trip, even though my boyfriend long ago booked that trip first and told his Ex long ago, his Ex still wanted him to change his flight schedule, but not hers or she didnt even try to think of other ways to solve the problem. ( he was coming to see me)
What concerns me a lot is that the Ex knows my BF loves the girls so much and he would take care of things if even she tells him any change at the last minute. I am worried about his Ex ongoing and nonstop control and impact will inevitably affect our relationship. I don't feel he's dealing with a respectful and considerate EX...
Any thoughts or advice are highly appreciated!!! Thank you!!!
If you continue to date this
If you continue to date this man and/or build a life with him, you should be aware that he is already letting you know that you will be lower on his list of priorities than his children or his or his ex in laws.
In these talks you have with him about the future you two should clarify some things. Like if you move in together will he change his will around who would have power of attorney. What about if you get married? What about inheritance?
If sounds like you have a long distance thing going on, which likely means you haven't met his kids. You have no idea what they're like or how they will respond to you and it is likely that he has told you "Don't worry about it, they'll love you." Be aware that this is crap.
It also, honestly, sounds like he's not over his ex-family. He's still sharing a cell phone plan with his ex wife? He's still having family dinners with his ex? These are some pretty big red flags that either he has no back bone or that his idea of appropriate boundaries is going to be extremely different than that of most people and will be a huge source of resentment and contention. And that if you object at some time in the future, you will be the bad guy for not being understanding, being jealous, not doing what's best for the kids, etc etc etc.
It may be 7 years post divorce, but he hasn't really divorced this woman. You're setting yourself up to take a back seat to her, her children and her mother. If you think he's worth that, good luck.
I see nothing wrong with is
I see nothing wrong with is having a relationship with ex-inlaws IF IT DOES NOT INCLUDE HIS EX.
My parents and I kept a relationship with my ex SIL - but it did not include my brother. We never even mentioned her name to him or his new wife. It was like she was just a distant friend.
You mentioned that his daughters are teens. That means they most likely do not need the attention that young children might need. That means he does not need to have constant communication with BM.
If he can't man up and cut the ties with his ex you will never have a successful relationship.
I agree. if the girls are in
I agree. if the girls are in there teens, its likely that they can get them selves to school with out needing a sitter.
I totally understand being cheap, but if the savings of the cost of a tractor rental space is worth your discomfort. He needs to re think that.
He needs to slowly sever ties with the Ex family, and Ex wife. its fine to be friendly, but its a different story to have them in your will.
This sounds a bit
This sounds a bit familiar.When I met SO first he was so involved into his ex family and would stop a lot about them, which I found a bit confusing, but I wanted to keep an open mind.It was more about the family members than the ex herself, which was unusual but ok.Well, we were invited to family gatherings whenever ex and her new BF couldn't make it and we really had fun - those people are really nice.At the same time it started to bug me that he started drawing family trees about his ex family for hours to explain me who is who and similar things....
Over the years he drew a bit back from her pack, and now we only see them here and there and that is good, too.But i understand that he still wanted to stay in contact with them.
In regards of being obidient to BM because "it is about/for he kids"...I know this, too, but I don't accept that anymore.I try to teach SO that we need to work as a team now, but the ld habits of doig what she says are sometimes still there.
If you are going to expect
If you are going to expect more from this man when it comes to his ex then he has already displayed then you need to steer clear.
Let me explain why. My ex and I had a wonderful working relationship. He came to family functions, was welcome in my home, and we still spent quality time as a family with my kids. MY Ex husband and My Dh would sit down to Sunday dinner once a month with DH's children (my sd's) myself, my Ex and our girls.
I was in another relationship and DH accepted my ex as he saw what a shitty divorce had done to his own and promised we would not make the same mistake with my children as he did with his.
My girls are wonderful by the way, if you ask them they will tell you that having this type of relationship between their mother and father is the reason. They will often say that Dad and I werent meant to be together that together we were toxic and that apart we are much better parents and friends.
With that being said, along came Miss Insecure. Now suddenly Im getting court paperwork because "she" didnt like the schedule. She basically screwed herself because what she didnt realize was at the time, I was asking for little to no financial help from him either.
It got really nasty for a while. Funny part about the whole thing is, I was talking to the Ex's wife the other day and got a heart felt apology because she now see's the benefit of the relationship between me and my ex and how it benefits our children.
Unlike her own which have been a product of a bad divorce.
Becareful where you tread..
^^^This^^^. People need to
^^^This^^^. People need to stop concentrating so much on what is "normal" and realize that just because two exes can be friendly doesn't mean that they haven't moved on.
One word - RUN.
One word - RUN.
He is not in the relationship
He is not in the relationship with you. He is still in one with his ex. I have no problem with him being nice to his MIL. That is fine and as long as the ex is not involved, but she clearly is. He is not really divorced.
As for the will, worry about that if you get married, otherwise, none of your business.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your poignant input, I appreciate your diverse perspectives!
As a few of you pointed out, what he has in his will is not my business, I have no intention to influence him or make him change. That example was just to show his continued connection with his EX-family members.
As I mention he's very frugal, very often times he would use the reason of being more economical in choices he's made, such as a family phone plan with his EX, his tractor parkin in the EML's house, and the flight schedule change thing, even though it was under his EX request, he would try to tell me changing his flight to a later one happened to be cheaper.....
Except the flight change which invovles more than money, but my time conflict to pick him up later in the evening, other things like sharing a phone plan with your EX and parking your tractor in MIL's seemed to convince me as I know he's frugal, but I just don't *feel* right that was why I am here to seek you guys perspectives.
As for having family dinner with his EX, he emphasized it just happened 1-2 times over the 7 years. I don't know if that's a common or inevitable thing among divorced couples, especially when one is still close to the Ex-in-laws.
I don't want to be overreacting or demanding or like one of the comments said, making myself become the source/reason of problem if what's happening is becoming a norm nowadays. Then, it might be my own issue to deal with or my attitude to modify if I choose to be with him, either a little bit longer or to have a life with him.
As all these are very new experiences for me (to date a divorced man with 2 girls , who live with their mom weekdays and come stay with their dad on weekends), I am also learning what parts I can take and what are my bottemline to express and to discuss with him.
I know these incidents will not just take place once, especially the issue of conflicts of schedules with his EX. That's one I seek for advice given our relationship for 6 months.
Is it really okay to most of you that your BF stays over night in his EX house for the reason of taking their daughters? Is it a norm for most divorced parents if one is on business trip, then the other parent comes and stays in EX's house??
I can't imagine what it would be like when we are married and have a life together or our own children together that my hubby is sleeping in another woman's house for nights (even though she's out on a business trip..).
Please feel free to give me an *awakening call* if I overreact. Thank you for your time and thoughts!
I agree....concentrate on the
I agree....concentrate on the important things.
He's still 'married' to that
He's still 'married' to that family. My ex husband wouldn't park anything in my mothers garage. And she would laugh at him if heasked. These people have not cut ties with each other. They have not moved on...
And before anyone wants to blast me...
Keeping a tractor in the garage, has NOTHING to do with the kids. That's territorial marking in man speak. What man is going to go to his new gf moms, and be like, oh, ok, that's ur exs spot there. Hmm. No.
Thank you all again for your
Thank you all again for your thoughts and advice. I know more clearly now that it's my call to make a decision to stay in the relationship and accept things I can't change or to leave if nothing can be changed. It's easier said than done because he has many good qualities in character and we seem so compatible intellectually and emotionally. ...
Thank you so much!!
I personally don't see
I personally don't see anything wrong with this relationship if that is what works for them and their kids. My exH's parents divorced and have a similar relationship...and even have gone as far as (30 years after the divorce) his Dad and his Step-Mom inviting the Mother to stay with them when she was going to be in their area!! My exH and I, ever since we split, decided that we wanted to have a friendly relationship for the sake of our child. I don't think ugly divorces and hostile environments are good for the kids, at any age. When exH and I were married we were able to share holidays, birthdays and special occasions with both sets of parents, and it made life much easier for everyone involved. That's not saying that the SM and BM didn't have their moments...they did, just like everyone else. All in all, it worked for them.
My advice, FWIW, is to leave the things that don't affect you alone. If you don't want him having dinner with his ex then, by all means, let him know that. That is a perfectly reasonable request for you to make. Ask youself though, does where he keeps his tractor really affect you? Let him know that you feel uncomfortable with him staying in the ex's house and help him come up with a solution that works for both of you. I do agree that teenagers should be okay to get themselves on the bus in the morning. If it bothers you about the will, let him know that...when you guys are talking marriage, and tell him that you would like for him to change that when that happens. I wouldn't want to go as far as asking him to change it now, since you guys have only been dating for a short time. That's a big step and apparently his ex MIL is someone he trusts to look out for his best interests. As far as the phone....I would say oh hell no to that!!!
Good luck!
Agree EvilWicked. My exMIL
Agree EvilWicked. My exMIL loves my DH so he & my exH are both comfortable. It's always been, since I can remember, if anyone had to rearrange for the sake of watching our BD or her cousins or the step kids, we gladly check which one of us has the most flexibility, then we decide who & try to accommodate later. But that's just us. In my current DH's family, they'll be damned if they had to give up even a weekend to watch the kids. It may be different for you but a good man, is good to everybody as long as he is to you too