I agree that it's not your problem to parent this kid and you basically have been told to f off by her mother/your wife. HOWEVER, being that her behavior is so extreme, I feel like you are the one who is going to have to deal with the outcome (i.e., raising a step grandbaby). I think the kid needs a wakeup call but that is not going to happen until your wife steps out of la-la land and holds the girl accountable for her actions/behavior. The phone/internet definitely need to be taken away since that is what she is using to communicate with the boys. Does the girl play any sports or have any hobbies? I always thought when kids had something ELSE to do, they would be less likely to do "bad" things.

Who pays for the cell and the internet? Is it in your name? If so shut it off. Whatever you are paying for your sd-stop. Separate you and your wife's money if you have to. Then put your money into finishing the basement for your son. If neither of this girls parents are concerned about her behavior, you are fighting a losing battle. Hard, I know. My ss14 has had atrocious behavior since he was little. Neither dh nor bm wanted to see it. Made excuses, played the blame game and now he is an even more atrocious teen. At first I was so bothered by it all, because I truly cared for ss and I knew that they were not parenting him correctly. Plus, I just have a problem with people not doing the "right" thing. I finally had to let go of it though. I wasnt a primary decision maker in that game-even though dh did listen to me at times-still final say was his and the bm's. They didnt want to address these issues-dh would get pissed off because I kept trying to force him to.

She'll be out of your house in 2 years. Disengage, focus on your marriage, your son, and your stepson (if he responds well to you). If your sd winds up a total loser well then that's on the backs of her parents, not yours. Sounds like you certainly tried and without success. You are causing strain in the relationship with your wife by trying to get her to parent her daughter in a way that she doesnt want to.

Let me also add, that I have an almost 15 year old daughter. It is miserably painful when they do "grown up" things. I dont believe my dd is sexually active, but she did send a pic to her boyfriend in her bra. Wounded me to my core. It really did-she's a good girl, with good grades, who goes to church. Some people dont react well to that pain and maybe your wife is one of them. I didnt even let my dd out of the house except with family for 3 weeks. My dh (her stepdad) thought that was too soon. I took away her phone for 2 weeks. I am getting ready to cut off her phone (she has a pay as you go) to one on my plan so that I can block pic messages being sent. What your sd really needs is some guidance-she needs her mom to talk to her about why this is dangerous and not in her best interest. She needs to back away socially and start spending more time with the family so that she can learn to make better decisions and have more respect for herself. Its not necessarily about a punishment, but rather a way to put the brakes on the bad decision making that your sd is engaging in. Maybe if you talked to your dear wife and approached it from that angle she'd be more willing to listen to you.

If you think it's bad with your SD, consider YOUR son NOW. DON'T wait until he's 15 too and your wife has allowed HIM to run all over her. You see, kids will play one parent against the other...if one allows them to do whatever they want, guess what? You are up the creek, even if it is YOUR OWN CHILD. Unless you want your SDs choices to impact your child, unless you actually think your wife can be a good mother to your son (IMO, she can't...just look at her with her daughter), I would honestly put the law down IMMEDIATELY. Either she listens to you and toughens up with HER kid or you need to get YOUR SON as far away from his mother to ensure that in 12 years you are not complaining about your son slipping away thanks to a mom who would rather be a friend than a parent.

PS - if she doesn't do this stuff around her father, HE might become YOUR BEST ALLY in this mess...even if that means he can let a court know that YOUR wife is not a good parent, but rather a friend...

This is what I've learned. StepParents ARE at the bottom of the Food Chain. We are supposed to have and share ALL of the responsibilities that the Bio Parents have but none of the rights or respect.
-Pay for stuff? Check.
-Support the Bio Parents, whatever they decide? Check.
-Willingly take backseat to skids because 'they are just kids'? Check.

Try to add guidance to the kid? No. Only do fun stuff.
Add input to the rules of the home for ALL children? NOPE.
Tell the BioParents when you -the objective party- see something concerning? YES but then go away.
Try to offer a solution or be included at least in the discussions? HELL NO.
Try to uphold any rule that was created by Bio? HELL F*CK NO!

That's how it works. We fall in love with someone with a past and the result is we get to be bottom of their barrel. Yay.

Sexually active at age 14 - check
Got an STD - check

Difference? BM beat holy hell out of her and threw her ass in the loony bin after SD went all drama like she learned from BM when BM demanded she stop talking to the 21-yr-old babydaddy-of-2. The Loony bin was a mandatory reporter, and dumbass is now in jail for statuatory rape.

SD16 claims she's done with boys. BM insists that SD16 "have a normal relationship" WTELF??? DH and I tell her to stay to herself. She agrees, but I have the feeling she's going to start blowing smoke up our asses again.

I'm feeling bitter right now about teenagers. Don't mind me.

If you have wireless internet, lock it down and block her. Delete her access to any electronic media. When your DW has a breakdown remind her who pays the bills and who has control over access.
And here is another thing, your SD is broadcasting child p0rnography. And if it goes through your line then you are responsible for it which means you get charged and in a shit load of trouble. I don't know what your job is but you are likely to loser your job, your house and will have to move. C hild p orn is not something taken lightly and is your job worth it?

So you read in the news about a 16 yr old girl who was sending sexually explicit pictures form her computer or phone. What is your first thought about her parents?

So I would have a little discussion with your DW and tell her that as she is not taking her daughter's ILLEGAL behaviour seriously you are. And as of 1 hr ago her phone is off your plan and her internet connection is suspended. If she chooses to continue this illegal behaviour she will need to get her own phone and internet access. There is always the library.......

The illegality of it will make it clear to your DW this is not about 'her daughter being a teen' but about her daughter breaking the law and dragging you and her mother and your families down with her. If she gets caught by the police (and that next 19 yr old may not be 19 but 45 yr old officer of the law or worse, a 38 yr old mouth breather in his basement in a singlet and nothing else) she has to be completely on her own. Which means starting with cutting off any access to the Web.