Blended Math
Background:
DH and I blended our family, he brought in 50/50 custody of SD2 and SS6.
I brought 50/50 custody of DS8 and DD6. The kids are now, DS15, SS14, DD13 and SD9. We have our kids 2 days a week and every other weekend and holiday, all the same days, all the same holidays. Our visitation lines up almost exact.
I have learned ALOT over the years, the one thing I wish I had known from the VERY beginning is MATH. I wish I would have DONE MY MATH!
I kinda assembled a "normal" family. We made house rules, we enforced all our house rules for all 4. WE always had all 4. They all got the same money spent on them for gifts for christmas/birthdays, they all had the same rules, all had the same bed times, we raised them all the same rules.
Till the pre-teen years hit and I over heard SD7 (at the time) blurt out to DD, "Your Mom loves me MORE than she loves you!"
I of course ran to comfort my DD, and figure out what was going on, and then the story from DD about how "your always busy with SD, and Step-Dad doesn't spend time with any one but SS" came out. Later that night at dinner DS wanted to take a photo of DH and I on his new ipod, as DH and I leaned in for a photo; SD leaned in and said "my Daddy! GET AWAY" and gave me a strong shove. DH thought it was so cute and adorable.
Then I did the Math, This is what I learned:
If I give my equal attention, love and support to "our" blended family; I will give each 25%, and if DH give his equal attention, love and support he will give each 25%, so each child will get 50% of our equal attention, love and support.
But if DH gives ONLY his equal attention, love and support, then you end up with his kids getting his attention = 50% and my attention =25%, so his kids are getting 75% of the attention and my kids only getting 25%.
Equal is no more...His kids get more attention.
Or if he gives SS 75% of his time, SD 25% of his time and your still giving your 25% to all, you end up with a favorite child: 100% attention to SS, 50% to SD, and only 25% for your two.
IF your spouse is not investing equal time and attention on your kids as you are in his, then your kids are getting the short end of the stick....
Try to see how much DH is putting in and how much you are bending over backwards for his kids....
Except that love is not and
Except that love is not and will never be a zero sum game. One persons gain is not at the loss of another-love is not something that can be divided up...love isn't static.
As an engineer your math had
As an engineer your math had my head spinning but I heard what you meant. Our blended family math was pretty simple. We only had SS in our household. His mom could not safely have more children and I would not risk her health and life to spawn my own biobrood even though she regularly pushed for us to have more kids. Nope, I would not jeopardize her for more children, nope, nope, nope. The Skid is mine and biology will not change that.
So, SS-22 got all of the parenting attention in our home all of time. SS is equity GK for my parents and gets just as much focus as my brother's 3. Now in Sperm Land he got shit for nothing as far as parenting or grand parenting attention. The Sperm Idiot went on to spawn 3 younger also out of wedlock kids by two more baby mamas and had a never ending train of serial breeding girlfriends move in with their unrelated broods for nearly the Skids whole Sperm Land visitation life. He was thrown from a window into bushes by an older of spawn of a live in GF on one visitation when SS was 2yo. He had to sleep in closets and on floors while the rotating skank spawn got the beds and bedrooms, when he was with the Sperm Grandparents he got little but lip about how it was unfair that they had to pay CS for him (they paid the Sperm Idiot’s CS obligation for my Skid for 17+ years of the CO) while his three younger half sibs could not have the nice things that his "rich" Step Father gave him because of the CS order. That $133/mo in CS sure paid for some really nice homes, cars, vacations, schools, etc… let me tell ya.
Of course there has never been any mention of my bride progressing from a 16 & pregnant single teen statutory rape victim mom to an MBA/CPA with a successful international career of her own and most definitely there is no mention by the Sperm Clan of the serial breeding of the Sperm Idiot and the fact that he lives rent free in the Sperm Grandparents investment property and drives their old hand me down cars and the three younger spawn all live in their home rather than with their Sperm Idiot.
So, in the strange world of blended families .... your math works and makes perfect sense.