Biological kid and step kid
Here's the deal..
I have a new 2 month old baby.. I have made it perfectly clear to BD that I do not want his 9 year old son walking around with my 2 month old baby. His 9 year old son acts one way around his dad and another way around everyone else. Perfect angel to daddy.. mischevious brat to everyone else. Everyone defends this kid.. he could kill someone and his dad and his side of the family would find a reason why it's not his fault.
He constantly plays with the baby when he is asleep.. had he not had another brother who is now 4 from his BM and SD I would understand why he wouldn't know how to act around a baby.. but he clearly knows and only acts out when I see him with the baby.. but as soon as the dad comes around he sits down and says loving sweet things to the baby. How should I confront husband about this? Knowing he will take his sons side no matter what, I get scared because they always turn into arguements where he says "he needs a mother figure, you have so much resentment toward him, why do you hate him?" To be honest, I do resent him.. my husband and I get along SO well.. our relationship is like a romance novel.. literally, sure we bicker but we always laugh about it 5 minutes later.. we finish each others sentences and are totally on the same wave length.. EXCEPT when it comes to his kid. I'm at my witts end where I cry to my mom on the phone.. saying that I need to talk to someone who is completely NEUTRAL in this.. who can tell me if I'm plain crazy or what! ALSO.. I found this article.. http://www.wbko.com/news/headlines/43832177.html
which confirms my fears as to why a 9 year old should not hold an infant! Please let me know what you think! Thanks!! 
- so glad I found this site so I can know I'm not alone!!!
A lot of new mothers of first
A lot of new mothers of first infants get bullied into letting other people hold the baby when they do not want this to happen. First, it is normal for women in your situation not to want anyone else to hold the baby. So, if that is the case for you, let your husband know that and then problem solved. If however you don't mind other friends and relatives holding the baby, just not your SS, then it would be advisable to dress this up as not allowing anyone under than 16 to hold the baby for safety reasons. I haven't read your article but I presume it argues something like that. That is a perfectly legitimate view. I let my SKs hold my first child and they dropped him several times including on his head, from a low height but I still regret it to this day. Fortunately he was ok. Going back to your child, I would say do try to conceal your wish for your SS not to hold the baby if you want to ensure that it does not become an issue between you and DH.
Oh I've just noticed you also don't want the baby held when asleep. Again, this is totally normal in many many cultures to have a rule that sleeping babies should be left undisturbed. Just get that idea across and it should be fine.
To be perfectly honest I
To be perfectly honest I think you should get professional counseling.
Not because of holding baby issues but you need help as you readily admit from some neutral figure.
I don't see a problem with a new mother saying no childrin holding the baby. No - end of subject. Humor me. No children - none. Relatives or nae.
Now the step-parent issue:
You shouls stay out of the loop in raising this boy. Don't try and be the mother your husband wants - its not going to work and just say so. Invite him to your counseling sessions telling him you need his help as well.
You will be quite surprised at the insight you can gain and in just two months or less you should have all the tools you need to be a functioning disengaged step-mother. Read this article and others like it by Googling 'disengagement step mother' and let your husband read them also explaining that the home will be a much happier one if you leave his boys rearing to his bio-family.
http://voices.yahoo.com/the-disengaging-step-mom-it-1576363.html
Trust me, I try as best I can
Trust me, I try as best I can to stay out of raising his child.. But who's the one who's expected to take and pick him up from school, do his homework with him? Me! It used to be where he grandmother picked him up from school but that was stopped by dad bc his kid was being fed ice cream sandwiches while he lay in bed playing video games. Now I am the one basically raining the kid and I don't want to nor to be honest do I even like him. Unfortunately, the only reasons I do it is because I love my husband so much and need to be there to take stress off his plate. Trust me, when dad and SS are home, I lock myself in the room with our baby.
THANK YOU!!!! You've
THANK YOU!!!! You've basically said, harsh words and all, EXACTLY what I feel. I like someone getting angry with me about the situation instead of trying to rationalize why I'm wrong. I'm so sorry about what happened to your precious baby. Hand sanitizer only does so much.. On your HANDS, but the baby touches arms, shirts, sometimes faces. And this kid is outside in sand bOxes and drags in about 1 gallon of sand inside his shoes and walks around.. Then sand is everywhere. It's filth and I'm not allowing it around my baby. And to be honest, keeping my baby protected is my #1 priority.. Not trying to initiate a relationship between my baby and his half brother. It bothers me as well because my baby is now at the stage where he fights sleep, and when he's asleep he only stays asleep for about 10-15 minutes before he wakes up again and wants to be held.. And I think it's wrong to take the babies hand and hit him in the face with his own hand while sleeping, let alone when awake! I've been tempted to walk in to SS room at 3am when the baby wakes up crying to wake him up and irritate him.. That's how fired up I get! Thanks for getting fired up with me.. Makes me feel like I have a valid point. At the end of the day OUR child, for me, comes before some deviant SS!!!
Congratulations on your new baby, I hope when your bundle of joy stays protected from germs!!!!
Just like to add one more
Just like to add one more suggestion for I read some great ideas above. As far as the kids behavior changing when dad walks in, capture this on tape. Catch him on tape a few times than show the father. I would approach it in a soft manor because its going to upset your husband & he will need a little time to digest what he sees. Guys do not like to feel confronted about their children but seeing is believing.