Am i wrong?
I have a huge problem with my stepdaughter. We were awarded full custody 2 years ago. Before we got along really good. Now not so much. she is 12 years old. I have been with my H for 3 years married for 1. Well the problem is she lies, is manipulative, just acts terrible now. She will not stay at our house at night time because we will not let her sleep in our bed. My ML is a huge problem along with my H. They both enable her. My ML and FL still let her sleep in the bed with them. My SD talk to them like they are trash and they just do anything and everything for her. My ML basically does her homework for her. If it wasn't for her my SD would have failed the 6th grade. My SD and myself would get into arguments because I would actually make her sit down and look through a book to find an answer. She would cry, scream, through a fit so my ML just quit bringing her over to do homework. But when she helps her she basically calls out the answer. It's terrible. It just blows my mind. I've been telling them they need to stop. Every word out of her mouth is a lie. She even went and told her mother I said I was a better mother than she was. which I NEVER did. She goes out of her way to help and do other things for people but refuses to help me with anything and when her dad tells her to she gets pissed. She used to do the whole crying bit but my H finally got smart and doesn't fall for it. I try to do stuff for her all the time. Take her to concerts, buy her things, take her with me when I go somewhere and she has no respect for me..NONE! We got her a phone for her 12th B-day and she put my name in her phone with devil signs. When we pick her up from her mothers she ignores me or rolls her eyes whenever I ask something. I've tried to tell my H this but everyone thinks its me. Either I'm trying to pick a fight or I'm being to hard on her. If making her pick up after herself and trying to teach her some responsibility is bad then lord have mercy! I don't know what to do. It's gotten bad, like I dread when she comes to the house, which is nearly everyday. What do I do? How do I not feel like this? I know she was/is going through some things with having to change schools and who she lives with but it's been 2 years. shouldn't there be some kind of normalcy now?
My YSD called me Evil Step
My YSD called me Evil Step Mother Of Doom on occasion. But she meant it in the most affectionate way.. as in she was joking because I wasn't like that at all to her sister or her.
Sounds like your DH isn't taking the reins with this kid. She is doing something that I despise. "Opinion Shopping". My stepdaughters would do it and it drove me crazy. You know they ask dad, he says NO. So they tell their mom that they "spoke with their dad and what does she say". (omitting the fact that he said NO.. they knew mom wouldn't call to check that part out).
your husband needs to put a stop to it. That means that he has to let his ex decisions stand too. He can't intervene on his kid's behalf with the mom.
I know I'm contributing also,
I know I'm contributing also, but I am just trying to keep the peace even though she is driving me crazy. And yes my SD comes to me to ask for something and if I say no she goes to her dad. I don't even answer the question now I just send her to her dad. I don't know what my H deal is with helping like he should I think he just has guilt about the first couple of years of her life having to live with her mother. Her mother was on drugs and had a wreck so that's how we ended up with custody. we don't know how long it had been going on though. we think a year or two. I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to deal with my ML and FL letting her get away with so much and my H not really stepping up and disciplining her like he should. I can give my H and SD time together but when it comes time for my H and myself to hug or kiss she rolls her eyes, and does the vomit sound.
That's what I have been doing
That's what I have been doing here lately
Every time I can get I give him a big kiss!
Look at this logically.
Look at this logically. You've spent the last two years trying to help her. It hasn't work. So it's time to change tactics. Instead of helping, cajoling, arguing, and pointing things out... Just stop.
Grandma does her homework and she never learns how to do long division. Not your kid, not your problem.
She has stinky breath and smells like a toxic waste dump. Not your kid, not your problem.
She wants to go to the mall to buy another pair shoes that she won't wear. Not your kid, not your problem.
She wants to continue to have her own cell phone. Not your kid, not your problem.
See the pattern? Just turn the bus around 180 degrees and start heading in a different direction. You will be saving yourself from the immense stress and pain that comes with trying to "mother" a child that doesn't like you and doesn't belong to you.
Full custody 2 years
Full custody 2 years ago?
BUT
" She will not stay at our house at night time because we will not let her sleep in our bed. My ML is a huge problem along with my H. They both enable her. My ML and FL still let her sleep in the bed with them "
Why is your child not sleeping at home in her own bed? why are her grandparents raising her? Because they are enabling her???
That's your problem. You are powerless, you can do nothing, she has a MIL and FIL and your DH that she is manipulating to get her way and is successful.
Your no longer fighting a battle with a teen to raise them right, your fighting 4 adults and a teen to raiser her right.
A battle you will not win.
Disengage is your only hope at this point.
If you will not enable her, she has 4 adults that will, so you will always be the wicked step mother in her eyes because your not enabling her.
Disengage now - do not wait,
Disengage now - do not wait, she's old enough to treat you like pond scum then she's old enough to do her own laundry and get her own things from her parents.
http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
read this and pay attention, it saved me from Aergia... if I found this before I moved out I never would've moved out.
What also helps if you are alone with SD, and she mouths off, give her the bitch eye and say, SD cut that out I'm not your mother and I will not fall for your crap, if you can't talk to me in a nice way shut the eff up.
Call her out every time she's being a snot and not nicely... be rude back to her (but only if dH is not there)
She will start telling DH - SM did this or SM did that, while you keep dead quiet, you dealt with the situation it's in the past. DH will ask you, Hon how was the day, you smile be happy and say oh great no problems and yours?
If he says SD told me you did this or said that, look confused and say... oh really, Hon did you read about the new movie? I would like to go and see it... change the subject... the sooner you stop complaining about SD to him, the sooner he will tell her to shut up when she tries complaining about you - I have no clue why this happens but it does and men pay more attention cause SD will try and get you to act that way in front of DH... you keep on being nice and polite and pretend to be hurt when she's rude in front of DH... he soon will take your side.. (Manipulation yes, do I care NO.. if they can do so can we)
The whole point is take back your control, and let DH parent his brat and clean after her...
So I broke down last night
So I broke down last night and got mad. I just let her get to me. I couldn't help it though. Shoes in the living room, snack wrapper in the living room, phone case, and headphones in the kitchen, her wet towel from her head in our bed, drink left in our room, candy wrappers in our room, trash let on the stove, hair ties in the bathtub. This is all in a 2 hour window. I called her in to the kitchen to pick it up she gets pissed but DH doesn't say a word to her when she snips at me but says something to me when I snipped back. So what do I do? Just start leaving crap everywhere and only pick up after myself?
yes. leave her crap
yes. leave her crap everywhere.
dont lift a d@mn finger. i also went on strike from cleaning- LOL!!! i told dh, i wont sweep/mop/vacuum around an obstacle course and i sure as h3ll am not gonna spend 45 minutes picking up their crap before cleaning. so now either dh does it or it sits there. he gets frustrated with cleaning constantly but wont make the kids do it cuz it's just easier to do it himself. ok then!
She left to go to the
She left to go to the grandparents and we got in to a big argument. Mainly me. I told him it's not fair he always takes her side and never says anything to her but as soon as I say something when I've had enough he jumps my tail.
I wonder what your husband is
I wonder what your husband is saying or doing? He should be the one who keeps the balance and panishes her for her behaviour, not you! Because, whatever happens, if you go too far, you will be the bad one there, not her, in the family's eyes that is. I have gone through the same with my stepson, he has been horrible to me and still is most of the time, but, if he says something wrong to me then my husband will interfere immediately and sort it out and make his apologise, if he is not there, then I do the silent treatment because otherwise he will start telling lies and tell my husband later. You can't fight this battle on your own because you will either go mad or have everyone turn against you. Be smart, stay out of it as much as you can and make sure your husband supports you 100%! They are children after all, becoming teenagers, which is tough for any child, and we are the adults and if you love her, as much as I love my stepson, one day she will know how much you care and how much this behaviour has hurt you and she will appreciate you.
One quick question about
One quick question about disengaging. I can't actually throw school shoes away so when she leaves stuff out, would you just leave it laying there or put everything in to a pile? I really am going to try this out.
From the Evil SM : Everything
From the Evil SM :
Everything she leaves not in her room - goes missing..... things like shoes.... you pick it up and flung it in her room.. only the left shoe... the right shoe you hide somewhere in her cupboards under her trash...or in the garage or under her bed... If she wants new shoes... make the comment well SD the left shoe is in the house, that means the right shoe must be somewhere, look for it, you are not getting new shoes...
Then separate money, none of your money goes to her clothing or what ever, headphones gone, remove it, hide it in her cupboard... and answer... SD look for it, I've not seen it... DH will get tired of replacing things, thus he will start telling her to look for her stuff and he will start telling her... if you tidy up your room you will find it.
Golden rule - never enter her room, I use to trash Aergia's stuff then I saw SO keeps on buying new ones, then I started hiding right shoes and SO told her... if here's one shoe the other one must be somewhere, tidy your room and you will find it.... oh make up and hair brushes I trash, with no problem. Aergia learned very quickly not to leave her stuff out.... recently I started dumping her shit in the garage... door is always open for the dogs, thus her stuff gets full of dog hair (some one keeps on brushing the dog in the garage }:) ) and her stuff gets full of dust...
I do not care and SO keeps on telling her - you have a room stop dumping your stuff everywhere - if he only knew who the guilty part is
Aergia knows it's me, but I'm disengage and if she complains towards him he will tell her stop it, Acra is my partner and you are responsible for your own stuff not her
see previously through the years I use to complain about her stuff all over - and then SO would take her side.... now I keep quiet and do, she complains and he takes my side.... trick being complain once, hide 4 times, mention she's growing up and he's a good dad for getting her to put her stuff away.... this complement comes during the 4 times of hiding...Aergia will never accuse me of hiding her stuff, cause I keep on telling SO he's doing a fine job, she's putting her stuff away... if she dares accusing me SO will take it she's complaining and being a brat. Oh the little snot glares at me all the time, behind SO's back I glare back, in front of SO, I have a goofy big smile on my face and taunt her by being happy and changing the subject