Am I overreacting?
Hi everyone, I need your amazing and wise advice once again!
Since the last time I posted I've set up hard boundaries with my FIL and SS13. SO and I had a long discussion where I explained that I would need to take a step back in parenting SS13 in order to try to salvage a relationship with him. I also let him know that I did not want to be around his Father for the time being and that I needed time to heal and cool down. SO agreed and things have been chill.
I've taken a huge step back with SS13 and it seems to be working. Basically I do for him like I do my own when SO isn't here (safety, food, etc) and once SO comes home from work, I'm out. I'm not nagging over chores, homework, etc. Everyone seems happy with this arrangement & I'm much less anxious about the whole thing.
And this brings us to today. SS13 was an hour and 15 min. late coming home from school. I texted SO at the 30 minute mark asking if he knew if he was going to be late and he said he was not aware of anything happening after school to delay him. At the 45 min mark I asked him if he wanted me to drive around the neighborhood to see if I could find him. SO replied that he would look for him when he got home. I pointed out that he wasn't home until around 7 and it was just now 5pm and it would be dark by then. SO thanked me for offering but again stated that he would go look for him when he got home if he hadn't shown up yet.
Meanwhile, I'm a nervous wreck and scared that something has happened to him. He's never been more than 5-10 minutes past normal time and he didn't have his cell phone on him. At the 1 hr mark I decided that I was going to wait 10 more minutes and then go look for him. I was worried!!! Just as I was about to leave SO texted me that SS13 had stopped at FIL's house to help him unload groceries (this has happened before and its taken 10 minutes) and it was no big deal. I told him that it would be nice if FIL or SS13 would give me a heads up next time he was going to stay over there as I was expecting him at home and worried that he hadn't arrived. SO believes this isn't a big deal and I need to cut him some slack. I, on the other hand believe that SS13 should give me a heads up when he's not going to be heading straight home. After all, this is a safety issue.
Being a stepmom is so very difficult. I'm supposed to care, love and do for his children yet I'm not supposed to worry or think I should be notified of things like this. How do you balance all of this out?? Do I completely step back and not alert SO if he doesn't come home at the normal time? What are your thoughts?
Yup - if SS13 ends up being
Yup - if SS13 ends up being roadkill that is on his father and your FIL not you. I know that is very harsh - no one wants anything to happen to him but if they want you to butt out then that's on them.
Everything about what you
Everything about what you said and did was right and what any decent human being would do. Your dh should be appreciative. That said, sometimes we do stuff just because we know it's right and we can't make people appreciate it or see our point of view. It's worth it to just keep doing what yoh know is right.
What Saint said. I think
What Saint said. I think safety takes president over disengagement. This was unusual behavior for the kid and he didn't have his cell phone - of course you were worried. SS or FIL should have had the courtesy to call you. That being said, if it happens again you shouldn't take any action other than notifying DH.
Golly, every parent
Golly, every parent (bio/step/undecided) goes through this at some point with the children in their circle. Forgetting to call home. Forgetting to text changes of plans. Forgetting to mention which friends they are actually hanging out with. Forgetting to call to say that they'll be late. Forgetting to NOT get into other people's cars w/o telling the parental units that they're leaving where they are supposed to be. Forgetting to NOT take the bus on a certain day. Forgetting to call home, did I say that already?
Annoying. Worrying. Anger-generating. Frankly, SS & FIL both sound as if they were acting in an inconsiderate, but fairly typical manner. They were with each other and that's probably as far as the thinking went ... Likely to both of them, they knew there was no safety risk & SO was not going to be calling the cops if SS was a bit late.
It's not weird to have "family-courtesy-rules" regarding being late, getting into other folks cars w/o telling someone, letting someone else ride your bike w/o a helmet, or any one of a million other situations which crop up in your household. I'd roll this situation under the broader umbrella of "how we do things here."
From a safety standpoint,
From a safety standpoint, yes, it makes sense. I know moms who would kill their kids for not calling like that. But I agree - your concern was not appreciated much and it wasn't addressed with any direction from dad to SS regarding calling in the future. So you're off the hook - absolutely off the hook. It is a fine line stepparents walk - they have responsibility without authority. That totally sucks. But I'd say husband absolved you of responsibility in this case, so it's on him and the kid.
I do agree with marblefawn,
I do agree with marblefawn, your concern is not appreciated. They think you are there to help and support, and nothing else. I have experience, some won't appreciate you no matter how much you do for them. So, disengage, give control to someone else, and enjoy your free time!
Thank you all for replying.
Thank you all for replying. If this happens in the future I plan on giving my SO a heads up and then dropping it. It's so nice to be able to interact with people who are going through the same issues!
"I, on the other hand believe
"I, on the other hand believe that SS13 should give me a heads up when he's not going to be heading straight home."
Of course. OF COURSE, of course. You'll raise yours to be responsible. You can expect that, and you should - as you should from your SO (and deliver it in return). It's THE RIGHT THING TO DO.
As a Step, guess what? Nobody wants Steps to set expectations.
Common decency? Ha!
Boundaries? Pffffff...
Love and respect? GLWT.
To kids who are bitter and resentful toward the family for breaking up, the Bios are eternally guilty. It's a common/typical rut. The kids will demand things that the Bios can only deliver on 50% of the time now, but the kids will expect their full 100% from each. Laden with guilt, the Bios will far too frequently acquiesce.
Then you come into the picture. You're like a cashier at the store to them. A clerk. They owe you NOTHING. Suddenly, now, you are that employee who's doing the job the Bio had slackened up about, and they resent you. You're not doing anything the Bio didn't do, just that you're doing what the Bio STOPPED doing out of guilt and "to have some harmony around the house."
They don't want you to keep an eye on them.
They don't want you to correct them.
They don't want you assigning chores.
They probably hate your cooking (no matter how good it is) just because that's all part of the resentment.
Suddenly, now, it's like The Treasure Of The Sierra Madre. Adding one more person splits the loot so everyone gets less... Rivalries intensify, mistrust, back-stabbing, all of that.
Gosh, it didn't get solved in 30 minutes like on The Brady Bunch, what the heck???
Nope, you're the cashier. "I know these pieces of candy cost 15 cents, but the owner and I go way back and he said I can have them for free. Now go clean up on Aisle 3." If the owner (your SO) won't shut that down, you're in for more of the same.
Some days, I really hate this. I see DW is slowly teaching them, so I know it's temporary, but still... some days, I just don't want to go home after work.
These kids won't let you know. Find a way to not worry: Disengage. When SO asks why you didn't let him know, cite THIS VERY INSTANCE and how he told you to not worry about it, etc.
Yes! All of this yes! I'm
Yes! All of this yes! I'm using this analogy, thank you!