I am new here and have a bit of a long back story so I apologize now for the lengthiness.

I could really use a little advice or at least a sense that I am not going crazy and my feelings are real and not just me being a jerk.

I have been married to my husband since this past June. My step-son is 13 yrs old and I have been in their lives for 4 years now and lived all together for 3 1/2 years now. My SS has lived with my husband for most of his life full time seeing his BM every other weekend sometimes more like once a month for a day or 2. His BM has never really acted like she wanted him and only does so when it is convenient for her or make's herself look good such as taking him to family events. At first things were very good with my husband, SS and myself and I simply noticed that my SS had very thin boundaries and rules were there but not followed through on. I mentioned this to my husband as soon as I noticed it and he admitted that he had let a lot of things go because he worked so many hours and had to get baby sitters often so "change of command" constantly made rules hard to follow through on and he often felt bad that he didnt spend enough time with his son and chalked it up to that. We had many conversations about it and he said he wanted to work on it and would be open to suggestions and imput I might have. So I did. And I honestly think this was a mistake now looking back.

All of my thoughts and imput have turned into pretty much the only rules in the house. Simply due to the fact that my husband does work many hours and does not spend as much time with his son as I do and has said he is fine with me dealing with situations that come up. So I do, but it is a constant struggle. Not only between my SS and I, but also my husband and I as well.

My SS has always done very poorly in school and never really had real friends, but simply fights in school and spends most the day joking around and trying to impress others rather then attempt any work. He has a processing disorder and many things are slower for him to grasp, but he has been in special ed classes for all of it most of his school career. Even with that, He fell behind a whole grade level in most subjects every year. It seemed very clear that on top of a learning disability he just had a very poor group of kids he followed and would constantly get into trouble with and school was the last thing on his mind. I understand he is a young teen boy and do not expect strait A's or perfect attention to school, but he would simply say he doesnt care and if he tells the teachers it's too hard they would give him the answers or easier assignments so he just didn't bother to do the work. We tried many times to talk to that school about that particular statement he has made several times and they basically told us that having him read at home 20 minutes a day or making him do homework as soon as he got home was far too stressful for him and we should allow him more down time and stress free activities. We did attempt these ideas, but found they were very unsuccessful for him because he would simply behave very poorly the moment he got home or we would find out he was in yet another fight at school (becuase he felt like it, often being the reason) so we would have a conversation about his behavior to which we would get extremely angry responses and need to intervene with forcing him to take time to calm down or restraining him when he refused to calm down and tried taking his anger out on us. So when these types of situations happened, which was usually 4-6 days a week there was not room for down time or doing homework or anything fun because the whole day or night after school at least was controlled completely by his anger fits. We also felt that this anger he had was his way of controlling his life or whatever situation upset him at the time and continued with having him read 20 minutes each day and having him do homework immediately because he would drag it out until bedtime or not do it at all and was basically failing every single class. By the end of last school year 6th grade, he was getting 60's or lower in all classes, but was passed through 6th grade. The only bright side to it all that he jumped two reading levels that year, which I personally attribute to my husband and I keeping up with the reading at home constantly because an improvement that drastic has never happened to him.
So for the summer, we could not afford any formal extra schooling for him, but we also felt like his very poor grades needed some extra attention during the summer months. I was homeschooled most of my schooling so I offered to just do one simple assignment (something that shouldn't take him more then 30min-1 hour) with him each weekday in the subjects he needed the most help in like math & spelling as well as continue the reading seeing that seemed to be working. So after our Wedding in June his vacation started and we started this summer school plan for him and enrolled him in our local juvenile diversion's free anger management program. The anger management program went very well in that he always treated those counselors well and would even talk to us a little about things they talked to him about and had him do. However at home it was still another story. My husband was working several hours each week and I worked a part-time night shift job 3-4 days a week so we could save money on a summer program for my SS as well as focus on his schoolwork. So I was left home alone with him from about 3am-6-7pm at least 5 days a week. He had a few small responsibilities he was required to do each morning such as get dressed, brush teeth, and do one chore, which we had a list on the wall for him to choose something helpful around the house to do. (I know it sounds silly to have to tell a 13 yr old to get dressed, but he honestly does not if you dont tell him to, so we put a stop to that by telling him it was his responsibility and we would have to start consequences if he could not start doing those few things each morning.) Oddly enough that worked for him and he responded well and started doing all of it well, during the end of the school year. However when summer came it was like he decided he would put everything he had into rebelling against any rule we made or had previously made.

This Summer was quite simply a nightmare for me up until the very end. Some mornings he would do his responsibilities without question and other days he would be completely defiant and say he just wasn't going to do them. If he decided to be defiant I would simply tell him he needed to think about his decision because if he choose not to do them I would be giving him a consequence and then I would tell him he had 15-30 minutes to make a better choice. Some days that worked, others he just went into an angry rage. Then the schoolwork. I carefully read all of his IEP paperwork and picked out schoolwork that was grade appropriate for where he was at academically. I found many free homeschool resources online and was able to print of several small worksheets focusing on spelling and math mostly. I quickly learned exactly how true his statement about school and saying he doesnt know how to do work so he can get answers or easier work really was becuase he immediately tried it out on me. So I gave him the benefit of the doubt for a few days. We started with a simple math worksheet with 9 problems that were a 4th grade level simple-multiplication which is where his IEP stated he was at. They very first problem he told me he had no idea how to do it. So I asked him to tell me what type of problem it was and anything he knew about those types of problems. He knew it was multiplication he said but that he had never learned it. Well I know he had learned it becuase I had seen it on homework assignments and such before, however I decided to print off a step by step instruction guide on how to solve multipication with pictures and everything and then went through 2 of the problems with him step by step and asked him to finish the rest by himself. He took 6 hours to do the 7 remaining problems and got them all wrong. And in that 6 hours he complained about every 5 minutes on everything he could think of and had a very bad attitude in general. I had a feeling he was going to try this (hence why I printed instructions) so I just said I asked you to try and I left you with picture and written instructions, there is no reason you cannot look at those and make an effort. I never told you that I would punish you if you got them wrong I am asking you to just try them. So the next day I went over his mistakes with him and asked him to simply re-do the 7 problems. As long as I was by his side he acted fine, but as soon as I left him to attempt them I Again got complaints every 5 minutes, every excuse he could think up and a general bad attitude all day. It turned into dinner time again before he finally showed me he finished and he got most of them right this time! So the next day I pulled out a spelling worksheet to keep things a little different and take a break from math. And it started again. I had 10 4th grade level words and a worksheet with 2 activities on it then he had to write each word correctly 5 times each (copying his list, not even from memory). Those worksheets lasted 6-8 hours as well. And this went on and on and on. Some days better then others but just constant complaining and acting like he was completely helpless. I would talk to my husband about all of these issues I was having with him each day and mostly I got back that I was possibly being too hard and maybe he truly did not know how to do these things. Now I am not an education professional, but his actions and complaints to me as well as his statement he made about school simply just sounded to me like he was being lazy and got used to teachers helping him and was confused as to why I was not so accommodating. So I stood my ground and went with my gut that he was just being stubborn about it and he did know how to do these things and was very capable of copying words and reading instructions that I went over with him. I even had him read instructions out loud to make sure he understood everything thing and he did so I felt like the last thing he needed was me coaching him every step of the way. I felt he truly needed to see that he COULD succeed on his own and that he was holding himself back. I am not asking for everyone to agree with my feelings on this, but based on my personal experience with him each day I really felt he needed this breakthrough of doing something on his own and being successful at something he previously decided he was not capable of. It only continued to get worse with his attitude and I got 2 holes in my wall from my SS trying to scare me into getting his way and my husband called the local police one day from work to check on us becuase he was worried about me being by myself with him acting so outraged at me. (My SS is also taller and stronger then me and has made that very clear when he is angry). The police managed to calm him some that day, but he shrugged it off saying he wish they took him to jail so he could see what it was like. I explained that being taken to jail is not something that you just see what it is like, that would a very hurtful thing on your record and if you want to see what jail is like you should ask about it on good terms because no police officer is going to bring you there on bad terms and give you the grand tour. Rather he would put you in a cell by yourself to basically think about your actions.

I also noticed most of the summer while he was acting very poorly to me during the day, the second my husband arrived home he would change very drastically. I do have to give my husband credit that on most very bad days he backed my up on much of went on and did not buy into his sons sudden good behavior the moment he arrived. But unfortunately the issues continued for a few months. Around the last month of my SS vacation I noticed he actually started doing things faster and trying to do the worksheets on his own more and somedays would even finish before 3pm. Which I still think is a bit crazy, but compared to all day everyday fights... HUGE improvement! So I would try to be very encouraging saying how much I liked his efforts and attitude when it was good and then if we had time left in the day would try to do something like play basketball with him or watch a movie together or something small. He actually would do assignments with no complaints eventually. Took much longer then I think needed, but there was no complaints so I figured that in itself was a win. He even started telling me that he thought the work was so easy and couldnt believe how hard he acted like it was. So I was very happy with all this progress and felt like we actually had made a breakthrough not only academically, but bonding me and him as well which had been rather difficult in the past seeing he was always in trouble at school or not doing homework or just being rude in general. So I was very excited. Then those same days that he did great for me and had not even a slight attitude all day I started to notice that when his dad arrived home each night he would start to push my buttons again. It got to the point where he would only say rude comments to me or would refuse to talk to me at all. One night we were trying to play a card game just the 3 of us and it had been over an hour of him chatting up a storm to his dad talking about his day or any thoughts that came to his mind. It wasnt even just looking at his dad only when talking he would Specifically address him my name each time he spoke. If I spoke at all my husband would often respond, but my SS was silent and would not even glance at me. If I looked at him he would instantly look away. So after about an hour I finally spoke up and said how I thought it was very rude and that I was a part of this game and this family and deserved to be a part of the conversation. I said I wanted this behavior to stop and would like an honest apology. Well my SS looked at his dad for assistance it seemed and got none so eventually I got a grumpy apology and he still would not look at me. So I asked him to try the apology again please and he got extremely angry and ended up yelling and screaming. We eventually sent him to bed and when me and my husband talked about what happened I was shocked to hear he thought I over reacted. So I told him what I had been noticing that my SS did well for me during the day but as soon as he arrived home his attitude change and he would be specifically rude to me. My husband still thought I was over reacting and that he had made huge improvements so couldnt I just be happy with that. So I said I was happy with that but I dont deserve the turn around the second my husband arrives home. My SS needs to learn that daddy is not his savior from the rules he had to follow all day especially when my husband agreed with all those rules and made that very clear to my SS.

So right before my SS was to go back to school my husband was laid off from both of his jobs in the same week, which put us in an extreme financial situation. We had been trying very hard to save money every way we could but if he didnt find a job fast we would have to make some drastic changes. So he tried very hard to get work, but it just did not happen as we had hoped and we ended up making the decison to move in with my grandfather a few towns away. With this change there was very little room and we would be putting most of our stuff in storage and there was only one bedroom for us 3. So we asked my SS's, BM if should could take him for the school year while we get our situation turned around and she agreed. We would now get him every other weekend and she would have him the rest of the time and enroll him in her school district.

We moved, he changed schools and it started off very well, and we also found out the week we moved that I was pregnant! We were saving money while trying to get jobs going and my SS made friends at his new school immediately and started participating in class and getting the best grades of his life! We were shocked! One of his teachers actually called us just to tell us how amazing he was doing and we had to ask if she had the right kid because her description of his behavior was just so drastically different from the previous school year and the summer. It was great and he came home talking about school and studying, taking notes, saying how great his grades were and talking about new friends that actually sounded like real good friends! So we were thrilled and figured this change is exactly what he must have needed at this point in his life. Well, BM doesn't like much when her life is interrupted for too long and within weeks she was calling us every 2-4 days saying how aweful he was being and he was doing bad in school and every excuse she could. Now I can't speak for how he acted at home with her, but we talked to the school and they confirmed that his behavior at school was nothing but awesome so we were not really sure how much of her complaints to believe. We wanted to just take him back considering we knew she was just going to continue until she got her way, but we were so torn considering how well he had made friends and the huge improvements at school. Im talking instant D's & F's in his classes to B's! He jumped another reading level in the first month too. So we were very conflicted and wanted to give him the whole year with that good experience before making any more changes in his life. But his BM persisted and eventually my husband asked a friend of his who lived in the same town as BM, if he would take my SS for a short time so he could stay in that school. He agreed and everything went back to fine for about 2 weeks until BM decided that wasnt good enough either. She decided she no longer liked that idea and we HAD to take him. My husband was very firm with her for the first time I have ever heard and simply said he wanted to continue they way it was because of his schooling doing so well. She eventually calmed down again, but then one evening after basket ball practice my SS was hit by a car riding his bike home from school. He ended up with a fractured collar bone that healed very quickly but other then that was fine thankfully. So BM decided to step in again and told us she was taking him back to her place. Honestly since then things have calmed down a bit.

My biggest issue at the moment is that now whenever we are about to have him at our place for the weekend, while he is here or even if his name comes up sometimes my husband and I seem to be arguing over things regarding my SS. I honestly dont know if it is mostly being pregnant that is causing much of it or the many recent life changes in general or all of the above. But it is getting so frustrating. When my SS is here I want to continue with all the rules and responsibilities we had before and just keep everything as same as possible. However my husband says he is doing so well in school and with friends and his BM has caused such issues for him the past few months that we should give him a break and just let him have fun. Well my SS's idea of fun is playing xbox as much as he wants or tv. I do not think he needs to be doing all of those constantly when he is here and that there are plenty of other activities he can be doing. My husband lets him play for several hours a day and when I bring it up or say he really should encourage him to find other activities he tells me he wants to see him happy and that I simply can't stand it when my SS is happy and have intervene. I have spoken to my husband several times about him saying that to me and that if I truly didnt care I wouldnt have done all the things I have for him already and that I simply do not think it is healthy for a kid to be in front of a tv for most of the day and that he can find other things to do but he chooses not to. If we suggest anything else like a board game or something outside he acts like they are aweful suggestions and will sit and almost pout until he is allowed to play on xbox again. I have suggested to my husband that my SS does not need to be happy every second and it would not hurt him to just have stricter limits on tv and xbox times and if my SS chooses to pout the rest of his day away then let him, that is his own choice and eventually he will get board of that and see that hes not getting his way and will just find something else to do himself or actually accept one of our suggestions. It is not our job to make sure he is happy 24/7 its our job to raise him to be responsible and respectful and pouting over not getting the one thing you want to do is not responsible or respectful. So my husband and I have had these same conversations over and over and each time we come to what I think is a good solution and we both seem on the same page, but when my SS is here and acting this way, my husband retreats back to letting him have xbox half the day just becuase he says he is bored and there is nothing else to do.

I have many mixed feelings towards my SS and I have no idea if they are right or wrong or just pregnancy hormones. I am currently 19 weeks pregnant and just have aweful fears that when this baby comes our family dynamics will only get worse and things will turn into I love my baby, but not his type of things. I expressed these fears to my husband and he tells me that will never happen, but I am honestly still very fearful that something like that will because of how this life change of moving has affected us so far. I recognize the many changes my SS has made in school and with friends, but the way he talks to us and demands his wants is often way out of line and I think needs addressing. I don't think good grades are a good enough reason for a 13 year old boy to be allowed to be rude or act like the only thing in life to do is play xbox or watch tv.

I am not trying to bash my husband or SS. I dont' expect things to be perfect instantly, but some progress would be nice instead of more set backs. I am just looking for any advice or clarity on if I am just being unreasonable or if this is just being pregnant. I know my husband has been trying to be more enforcing with rules and such up until we moved he was making huge improvements that were helping all 3 of our relationships a lot, but it seems like this move has him either feeling guilty about something or I am just an unreasonable step-mom. We have been talking about many of these issues every few days and sometimes can't even come to a solution. I don't want to be unreasonable, but I also don't want to live in a house run by a 13 year old. I felt very isolated this past summer like I was babysitting a 4 year old in a 13 year old body and I couldnt leave the house hardly ever. Then the way he finally turned around for me during the day, but at night when his father was there to witness he would change I feel really hurt by still. I try to not take it personally, but it took up until after we moved for my husband to even admit that there was a problem with that behavior my SS had at that time. So I just don't want every issue to take that long to find resolutions for or at least feel like its not my fault for not letting him "be happy".

I feel like me stepping up and addressing the rules completely wrecked any relationship I could ever hope to have with my step son and the amount of time my husband spends working limits the amount he can have his imput, especially seeing our current living situation where he only sees him every other weekend. I just want an even balance of consequences, responsibilities and privileges instead of the constant arguments that I thought were already resolved the last time the situation came up. I want to start making progress again, but instead feel like I am ruining both of their lives and this poor baby growing in me is an innocent bystander so im feeling guilty for that to. I want to be happy about having my first child and have a family to raise it in.