Am I asking to much
I'm pretty new to this site so bare with me. Ok I have a 5 yr old b (with no biodad) and my boyfriend of a year and half has 2 kids (4 g & 5 b) with a crazy BM, but thats a whole other story. He is a great dad to his children, but when it comes to my son he doesnt participate. He is only a father when his children are at the house, he does dinner, bath, reading, playing and tucks them in. When his kids aren't there he doesnt really come out of the bedroom, he engages with my son but very rarely. He goes out of his way to be at every practice or every ball game or every doctors appointment for his kids. but makes absolutely no effort to be there for my son. We have had many conversations on the topic and he says he acts different because its not his kid. I just want him to treat my son like he matters, am I asking to much?
No, you're not asking too
No, you're not asking too much, but by the same token, it's not the first time I've heard it. Some people only like "THEIR" kids, period.
My oldest friend had exactly the same situation with her eventual husband from the time her son was age 6. They didn't have any children together until the son was out of high school, but the sdad never connected with her son (kind of disliked him, really, and actually avoided the kid). It made the kid really crave contact with ANY male (boys get [subconsciously] desperate for male mentoring in their teen years). He was particularly hurt that his biodad had no interest in him, either. It's really messed the kid up for a lot of years. He's in his mid 20s now and finally has a stable, full time job, but not before living on the streets, having brushes with the law in terms of drugs and drinking and driving and having held down at least 10 jobs since he got out of high school.
I know one thing, you cannot make your s/o bond to your son.
Your best hope is to try to get the family into counseling.
Maybe you shouldn't be with
Maybe you shouldn't be with this man. He could end up ruining your son. Studies have shown that kids who have stepparents do worse in school, have fewer social skills, are at higher risk for drug and alcohol use, and just are generally unhappy. Read Agged and Fragged's post.
Then all of us should break
Then all of us should break up with our spouses/SOs who have children. We are doing irreparable damage to the children.
^^^^LIKE ^^^^^^
^^^^LIKE
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^^^^^^SECONDED^^^^^^^^
^^^^^^SECONDED^^^^^^^^
HG, The problem with pseudo
HG,
The problem with pseudo scientists trying to think like scientists is that they do not have the requisite brains to be successful. These "studies" can not be effectively performed because of the nearly endless variables. Socio economic background of all of the BPs and Sparents, genetic issues, racial and ethnic make up of all sides of the kid's family, recent immigrant Vs multigeneration "native, prevailing parenting methodology in the CP and NCP households, length of time spent with CP Vs. NCP, age of the child at time of divorce and remarriage of their BPs, etc, etc, etc........
It is virtually impossible to do an accurate and effective study on behavior. Another STalker brought up the difficulty of effectively setting up and executing this study.
IMO this "study" is a complete waste of time and resources.
Sounds like he disengaged, or
Sounds like he disengaged, or something like that. Many steps here end up doing that and it is a legitimate way of coping with stepchildren. Usually it is a choice made after trying to parent the kids, and either bios, DHs and the kids do not cooperate. You don't mention any problems other than that, so it's hard to say why he is doing this. My question to you is: do you feel the same toward his kids as you do your own? If you don't, then it is hard to expect the same. If you do, then it's a different story.
Maybe he's not sure of what
Maybe he's not sure of what you WANT him to do; or he doesn't want to push the issue of being involved. I don't know the whole background from just that one paragraph every sitution is different and I am not trying to make excuses for him. But being a SM for 12 years.........having very little to do w/ MY SD14 has worked wonders for DH and I.......talk to him
When we first started dating
When we first started dating I told him I was looking for a father for my son and my boyfriend assured me he was up for it and thats what he wanted. My boyfriend and I have discussed this issue quite a few times, I have tried to explain the things he could try but he is stuck with the mind set that SP's dont have to be a part of a childs life because they have parents already (this due to previous step son) which is not the case for my son he doesnt have a father and never has. My son has mentioned a few times that he feels left out cuz my boyfriend doesnt do things with him like he does his kids. It is a work in progress and I know its not easy but you would think after a year he would be a little more comfortable with my son.
I don't do the same for his kids as in I dont bathe them and I dont tuck them in, ( I dont ask these things of boyfriend either) but I do play with them, read with them tell them goodnight before they get in bed, cook dinner, sit in the living room and watch movies etc. In fact when his kids are at the house, I spend alot of time playing, coloring or whatever with his BD while the two boys play. There are times when his kids drive me nuts and I wish they would just go away, but thats normal from all the posts I read on here. I dont expect him to adore my son or change what he does with his kids, but I do want him to acknowledge that my son exsits when his children arent around.
I have thought about leaving quite a few times, but the fact that I have invested so much into the relationship keeps me in limbo. I am moving out into my own house in about month, we havent decided if we are staying together after that or not.
Thanks for the imput it definetly helps when comparing the pros and cons.
More than anything this
More than anything this violates my sense of fairness. He thinks that step-parents don't have to be a part of the child's life......if they happen to be male? But since you are female, you ARE expected to be part of his kids' lives? I don't personally deal with this issue as I do not have bio kids but I have friends that do/did and it amazes me. The men usually say "well, you are a woman so it is just natural for you to be with ANY child." Uhm...no, it's not. It is work and effort and he can damned well do it too. Plenty of men do.
My suggestion is not that you threaten to withhold your affection from his children. That is just mean. But contrasting the actions and saying that he can at least TRY is fair. If he refuses to even try, I would suggest that tells you everything you need to know.
P.S. - You said he learned his attitude from a former step-parent relationship. I would also remind him that the relationship is FORMER. As in, DID NOT WORK. Good luck!
It is my prediction from my
It is my prediction from my personal experience and from your comments that when you move to that new house, you will be so much happier, and so will your bf and you will wonder why you waited so long. Your situation is a little like most of ours here, just in reverse. Usually we can't stand the skids that BF's world revolves around and we disengage. Interesting to read your post...a woman who wants her BF to engage with her kids. I bet your bf feels what I do. He may or may not dislike your kid, but in the least your kid makes him uncomfortable and he would rather not be in his presence. Trust me, if he feels that way, he feels it. Period. Its a feeling and that won't go away. To be uncomfortable in your own home is terrible. It is supposed to be a safe place. If your bf isn't actively mean to your kid and he is nice to you, I think that is the best it will get. If you want an interactive father figure, you will need to find another guy. You can't force it. The more you try, the more he will resent and retreat farther. Maybe it isn't about you being the woman and sexual equality as a previous poster suggests. Maybe you feel comfortable around his kids and maybe he does not feel that way around yours. If it is fun to draw and play games with kids, great for all. For some of us, its pure torture in a way that is not really possible to explain. Imagine having a permanent house guest that you couldn't stand. Anyway, you are obviously unhappy with the interaction between your bf and your son, and it seems you are feeling guilty about what damage this is doing to your son's development. I am quite confident that your bf is pretty miserable facing the pressure to interact with a child when he really doesn't want to. I hate feeling like a prisoner in my bedroom because I can't stand to see skid. I am not in my room diggin' the "me" time. It stinks. Its horrible. It may be what your bf is feeling too. It would relieve pressure for you both to part ways. Of course, the fact that I am still with bf and dread every moment that I have to spend in my home when skid is there is testiment to the "easier said that done" rule. Leaving is terrifying and messy and awful. I commend you for already having your own house to go to. The first step is the hardest. Good luck.