Advice Please
Hello everyone,
I'll try to make this as short and to the point as possible. My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years, he has two daughters (ages 5 and 8), and I have a 6 year old daughter. When we first got together, we only had his girls every other weekend. However, this year, we started to have them Wed-Sunday on his weekends, and just Wed-Thurs. Overnights every week. Hopefully that made sense. Anyways, he works very long hours and is never home during his scheduled time with the kids, so everything is left up to me. I honestly couldn't handle one week of that schedule. His youngest has a lot of issues due to not being diciplined by either parent, and she is also very hyper. Everything is left up to me. I have told my husband how I feel, and he did agree to just have them stay overnight on Thursday's. But, I'm still very frustrated. This girl does not listen to anyone, she picks on her sister and my daughter, she doesn't respond to dicipline from anyone. Oddly enough, she is fine at school. This is really making me resent her and my husband, because he can see I'm still very unhappy. I would feel better if he was actually here on the days that his kids are, so that he could interact and help out. Is that wrong of me? I just don't think it's fair that I have to pick up the slack of him and his ex not disciplining her. I'm at the point where I feel like I need to see a marriage counselor. I love my husband very much, but I can't live like this. I dread every Thursday now, and anytime it's his weekend to have the kids. I don't see this getting any better, because this child obviously has no respect for me. Any advice is appreciated! Thank you!
I suggest that you tell your
I suggest that you tell your DH exactly what you said here. I will modify what you said to make it pertinent to a direct conversation with him.
"I will now require that you are home the days that your youngest is here. Due to the behavioral issues associated with the historical lack of parenting your youngest is not manageable when you are not present and it is not fair to me or the other two girls. For that reason your youngest cannot be here unless you are until her behavior is no longer an issue. Your eldest is of course welcome on the current schedule. Any questions?"
Can I ask why the custody
Can I ask why the custody change happened? Seems weird for him to agree to more custody time when it's not actually increasing the amount of time he spends with his kids.
I think it's reasonable for you expect him to be home when his children are there. The visitation time is for him to spend time with them, after all.
The visitation is for the
The visitation is for the kids to see thier dad, not their step mom. It is entirely right that’s you should tell him he either needs to be home with them or they stay with their mom.
I would not allow this in my
I would not allow this in my home, I'm sorry but if Dad is not there his kids will not be there, especially over night.
Why not put your foot down and tell DH you are not happy about this, you did not marry him to raise his children, they do have a mother, also make it clear if SD is not getting her act together you will bundle her up and drop her off at BM's when he is not around.
The girls are only 5, maybe it's time for you to enforce some punishment, not Cinderella stuff, simply if she mis behaves she gets the naughty chair.. this rule is applicable on all children in the house, this chair stands in a corner and if you are naughty you sit on it for 10min facing the wall with nothing to do, while the other children can play and have fun... if you move or complain or beg to get off your time is extended with 2 minutes.... etc.
You and DH will have to tell them together, and then stick to it.
Going with the majority here.
Going with the majority here. DH needs to be home when his children are there. It's not fair to you, especially if one is not listening to you.
When DH has to do mandatory OT or has something to do, SS12 and SS15 stay home with their mother. As BethAnne stated visitation is for the NCP, not the NCP's spouse or SO.
P.S. if you get a response
P.S. if you get a response that resembles a guilt trip, inform him that you will now discipline his youngest child in the manner appropriate. Usually that makes guilty/disney parents stand up on their hind legs.
One of two things will happen: The BM will be so angry that you dare to discipline her child that she will want custody back and DH will have to pay more CS, if he isn't paying it already.
DH will get angry at you for trying to get out of the 100% responsibility/0% authority gig that he's got going with you now.
At that point you can do one of two things:
Either disengage when it's clear that neither parent will discipline but they just want you to have all the responsibilities with no authority-- call up the BM and dump youngest skid off on her to make your point perfectly clear.
Or, preferably, run like the wind from this relationship.
It's simple. If you're going
It's simple.
If you're going to be 100% responsible for the kid, then you have 100% authority to discipline as you see fit.
This:
This girl does not listen to anyone, she picks on her sister and my daughter, she doesn't respond to dicipline from anyone. Oddly enough, she is fine at school.
is not odd at all.... it means that she's smart enough to have realized that she can't get away with that behavior at school, because they have consequences, they enforce them, and she doesn't like them. She's controlling her behavior.
Issue a consequence with her EVERY TIME she behaves in an inappropriate manner - but also cover her with praise when she's displaying good behaviors... just like a dog. She's 5 - she's in prime manipulation mode - she's using what works... and she knows you won't do anything about it.
I tell my ss when he's acting poorly that I don't like how he's behaving, and that if he wants to stay around me, he better start behaving, or he can go be alone in his room, because I don't want to be around him if he continues. He's very demanding, attention wise, so that works for him... with my kids I'd cancel an activity when they were young and acting up. I was overly structured... playdough, coloring, game, tv, outside, story time, etc... you aren't listening. if you continue, you won't get to play with playdough with us. And I would make it happen.
I agree with the above.
I agree with the above. Sometimes I'm with the SDs alone, not often, and I have to agree to it first (that was a long discussion with DH too, but he gets it now, so it's do-able).
I've been with them since they were 7 and 9 and same issues as you.
Now, they are usually GREAT with me, and me alone. I established firm boundaries right away. Once DH enters the picture all h*ll can break loose - so you see, they know what they can and can't do. Rules, consequence, repeat and repeat. Do not once not have a consequence because that's the end of that rule.
Thank you everyone! I truly
Thank you everyone! I truly appreciate all the feedback, and it is comforting to know that I am not wrong for feeling the way I am. As far as the custody goes, when my husband and his ex initially split up, they set it up to where they both have joint legal/physical custody (that's 50/50, right?). However, with his work hours, his mom was at the time picking up the kids and watching them until he was home. Flash forward to when he and I got together, I was living somewhere else and going to school, that is why we only had the kids every other weekend. Now that we are married and have a stable living environment, that is why we started following the custody agreement. However, his work hours have not changed. Him and his ex do not have any problems as far as being flexible with the kids, and that is why he wasn't picking them up during the week before. Now that I am in the picture though, they assume that I can watch them. Yes, I am not working right now, so I do have the time, but as I said, I can't stand being around his 5 year old (She's about to be 6). I have talked to my husband about how I'm feeling, I honestly think the problem is that he feels guilty that he isn't there more for the kids. He has even told me that he feels bad for taking away Wednesday, and that he doesn't want them to feel unwelcome. The truth is, they have grown up with him working and being away, and they are fine living with their mom, seeing us on the weekends. I realize I need to have another discussion with him, it's just not easy.