Advice needed re: GF "stepmom"
I could use some advice. I'm a 49- y.o. half-custodial dad, had been a work-at-home dad for my son's first 5 years when my now-ex and I were together, so my son has a strong bond to me. During the first couple of years my ex- was "my-way-or-the-highway," completely uncooperative and I ran the risk of alientation from my son due to a lot of negativity on her part, and very little parenting time. I fought and won and now my son spends half his time with me, goes to school in my district, and he has weathered the breakup very well. Though there's room for improvement of course, I think he's a normal 10-year-old boy, a great kid, now in his school's gifted program.
My girlfriend is a year older than me, a single mom of two girls, now 20 and 21. Her girls' fathers "bought their freedom" so there was no "other" household to deal with. We've been together for two years and while I know she means well, loves my son (and he loves her), she has always seemed very harsh in her judgment: she judges him as scattered, selfish, incapable of independent play, too dependent upon me... while I think she's right, sort of, in some aspects, I think she's WAY overreacting, and when she delivers a message, it's usually in the most demeaning way possible both to me and to him. The people I talk to say "well, he's TEN," and while I think many parents overlook too much, I think she's at the other end of the scale, to where I'm living on eggshells, I think my son is picking up the tension... When we're in the car, my usually talkative kid clams up.
She tells me I'm too "child centered;" for example, I had given my son the large bedroom, since he needs space for things like Hot Wheels tracks, etc. As soon as she moved in, however, she insisted on swapping bedrooms so we'd have the large one, which I thought a recipe for resentment on his part (he took it in stride). Sometimes I even think she's jealous, or resents my attention of him, though she'd never admit it.
While she raised two great daughters, I think there are many factors she doesn't consider: boys are different, he (and we) have a "competing" household to deal with, and the fact that he is my priority doesn't mean I love her less. But I'm at the point of ending things with her.
Help?
Hi Home and Welcome, FYI - I
Hi Home and Welcome,
FYI - I was the stepmother. SD is grown and out of the house.
I would clarify the parenting rules. He is your son - not hers. And YOU should discipline him and be responsible for him. If you and GF live together, set up some house rules: mealtimes, chores, bedtimes, etc. Again, you enforce them. But please DO enforce them. You should be the one taking care of your son( cooking, cleaning, laundry, enforcing study times and bedtimes, etc.) and your GF should support you.
When you talk about a competing household, I do understand. But I know from experience what guilt parenting can do to a child. IMO-you cannot parent a child if you are worried about losing his love or friendship. Guilt parenting and PAS basically ruined my SD - she is 27 YO, still being supported by DH and has switched majors for the 4th time with no college degree in sight. You don't want that!
I have to agree with your GF on the bedroom You are the adults, you work, pay the bills, carry the load, you deserve a master bedroom as a getaway. I'm sure you can figure out a play area for your son. DH & I did a remodel on our home and built a family room.
The above are just my opinions and I am not judging you at all. Just giving you my perspective and wishing you the best.
Thanks, I can see both sides
Thanks, I can see both sides of some of much of this. I also know myself what it's like dealing with a passive-aggressive ex and know my GF didn't sign up for that, and I try and insulate her as much as possible. As for my son I've always set boundaries, have rules for my son, I'm comsistent, he has chores... GF has been correct that I sometimes (SOMETIMES) bail him out too much, and I've changed this. But when I say "competing" household, I'm not getting sucked into a competition for his affection/attention, and I'm already stricter than the other household. It's that there's one set of rules here, another there, where he plays videogames all day long, etc.. My son's GAL told me he'll pick his mom's household when he's a teenager, since it's easier and he has no responsibilities, which I think an odd thing for the GAL to be OK with... But that aside, I think my GF is just filling in time, waiting for when he's 18 and gone... there's this aura of negativity... things are at the point where I feel like a loser or guilty for giving my son ANY attention.
Took me a while to post so I
Took me a while to post so I didn't see this response, homenauto -- you've mentioned this negative feeling and that is sad for your gf and your son -- but it is not always possible for everyone to like each other. I am blessed that my sd and I blend really well together but some sms just clash personality wise with their s-kids, it seems. It's tough when there is a kid in your home that you don't have a strong emotional bond with AND they are behaving in ways you would not allow if they were yours. You sound very understanding about all this, and you shouldn't have to feel guilty for paying attention to your son -- your gf should maybe join steptalk and get some support because sounds like she is not handling being an sm very well.
I am also coming from the
I am also coming from the SM/gf perspective -- also in agreement on the bedroom. It sounds like you two have very different parenting styles -- she may be more strict than you. I can tell you I have much higher standards for child behavior than my fiance does, and we struggle with it, but I mostly try to approach it gently -- sounds like that also is not her style. Sounds like both of you will have to make some changes that you can all live with to make this work?
I understand. My SD had to
I understand. My SD had to deal with 2 very different households and that is hard but doable.
What's the acronym GAL stand for? Maybe I need more coffee but I'm unable to figure it out.
Sounds like you need a heart to heart with GF. She shouldn't be involved with you if she's just waiting for your son to leave. That's not fair to your son or to you. It doesn't end when your son turns 18 - it just changes. He is your son for the rest of your life and she needs to be aware of that. That being said, GF also needs to be aware of her place in your life.
Sometimes I felt like the 3rd party when SD was over. It's not a pleasant feeling. I know that you are caught in the middle but you need to make sure that GF knows how important she is to you. I made sure that DH & SD spent time together - without me. But DH and I also had our times together.
It's a juggling act and it's never perfect but some are successful at it and I hope that you are one of those.
GAL = Guardian ad Litem,
GAL = Guardian ad Litem, basically my son's attorney. Due to many issues with the other household, a year ago I had to file two contempt orders (significant violations of parenting agreement, and in addition my ex cohabits with what was then a married man with a domestic violence arrest record, wife on probation for domestic, unsecured firearms in house, substance issues, our son injured while unsupervised, more). Family court cared about none of this, threw out as "stale" the 2 year old custody study recommending me the as the primary parent if need arises, and recommended we get our son his own attorney = GAL
I can relate to this on some
I can relate to this on some level. I am a SM who spent 8 years as a GF and 5 of those years living with DH before we got married. Once I moved in DH, I expected to assume a shared parenting role for EOWE with SS. While DH supported this, we did not talk in detail about what our expectations were for SS's behavior or the consequences for his actions. I experienced DH not enforcing the rules that I felt were important in our house or not implementing the same punishment I would choose, if he even disciplined SS at all. And because we never talked about it, the resentment (toward both DH and SS) continued to build in me to the point that I became a nag and complained about every little thing that SS did wrong.
There are a couple of things going on in your situation that I think need to be clear:
1) Your son is yours and you will raise him the way you feel appropriate. This means you need to communicate to your GF what her role is. Do you expect her to point out bad behavior and discipline accordingly? Do you want her to mind her own business and let you handle discipline? It's important that GF understands your expectations.
2) You live with both GF and your son now. Make sure that no one feels like a visitor in your home. It must be extremely challenging to move into a place where Dad and son already have a home. GF may feel like an outsider who doesn't belong at times. Make sure you make enough time for the adult relationship in your life - don't always put this on hold for your parent/child relationship.
Best of luck to you!
Thanks. I always make time
Thanks. I always make time for "grown up time," distinct from my parenting time, and I was already stricter and had higher expectations than any other parent I know. "A child rises to the level of expectation."
When my GF came into the household she seemed to lose all humor or perspective; I looked for support and nothing more, but she seems to feel the need to beat me over the head with what I'm supposedly doing wrong. GF is definitely neurotic when it comes to neatness, etc., and it seems like when she entered the household she purposely checked perspective and humor at the door.
And I can't remember the last time GF ever looked at me and my son together and expressed affection, like other people have, or like she did before she moved in.
wow, this sounds miserable!
wow, this sounds miserable!
I almost think she might be depressed or some other condition. Another thing that strikes me though -- is she just not used to sharing a household? Wants everything her way, can't compromise? Sounds like she was not ready to move in and actually share a house.
Thanks! Yes, that was the
Thanks! Yes, that was the case, and when GF moved in, it felt like she was deliberately setting precedents, almost "territorial." For starters, we were in a condo: two bedrooms, one simply larger than the other, not a "master suite," no den or alternate space that could be repurposed for a child. The larger bedroom was just that, not a "refuge" for the grown-ups, just a lot of extra space that bought us nothing, but that my son had enjoyed when the room had been his. We moved to a small townhouse, same deal, so the bedroom is his only place to play.