5 step boys. What should I do.
Hi, I have 5 step boys and one biological daughter. Oldest from 17, 14, 13, 12, and 10. Daughter 7.
My step boys feel that they don't have to clean and they just stay on games all day. Don't feel the need to shower. I have to consistently remind them over and over again. So when I get on them about their chores, they throw nasty fits and talk back, call me out my name about why I should parent better, or why they prefer their dad over me. Yet their father is not in the picture. He do empty promises but don't show up. I have mentioned to their mother about the issues. And she shrugs it off telling me I should communicate with them and understand the situation. For I feel she doesn't stay on them about the disrespectful mouths and not wanting to be consistent with them about their chores. I feel resentment growing inside of me. As for my daughter they make fun of and get on her about her having a dad jealousy. I try to get them to understand that i am here to help them and that doesn't work. Then they don't see me as a step parent.
I just started to do my affirmations and trying to push myself to be positive and starting to question my options in my marriage. So any advice is helpful. Thanks.
What do you mean their father
What do you mean their father isn't in the picture??
If he's not living with you, then his boys should NOT be either!!
I think his SO is their
I think his SO is their mother...
Gotcha.
Gotcha.
LOL. Misread the whole thing!
Thier father
The boys dad speaks with them over the phone promising tit for tat then dont provide. He is not paying his share for child support. For i feel their mother hasnt pushed for him to pay. We both cover the bills and for all of the kids. Yes we do struggle. But her boys dont appreciate what there is given to them or the fact that i help contribute.
I posted a different comment
I posted a different comment to my question, please read. No he doesnt live with us. He is with his girlfriend. Im married with my wife. He isnt in the picture, not wanting to be constant even if he tells his sons he will be there for them their birthday, spend time. So the boys take their problem on me when their dad isnt there for them. The "fatherless syndrome" they blame me for him not being there sort to speak. As for their mother, she isnt getting on them consistantly about their bad behavior.
Two thoughts
First - you should think about changing your avatar to something anonymous.
Second - you need to have a conversation with your partner about what they are going to do to parent their 5 children. Your partner should be managing the childrens behaviour so they are not being non-contributors to the household and taking their frustrations out on you. 100% a partner problem.
Thank you. I appreciate the
Thank you. I appreciate the feedback. Weve spoken before quite a few times in regarding the issues. They get fixed for a couple of weeks then slowly back to where it is. So now i am gonna start stepping back and pulling my energy from this. This is making me tired and frustrated. Energy drain. Pretty sure everyone felt their energy being sucked out from a bad atmosphere. Lol. And i am gonna be positive.
In second marriages, each
In second marriages, each parent is still primarily responsible for their bios. This means your wife needs to step up her parenting game, but it also means you need to consider how this dysfunction is affecting your daughter. Does she live with you full time? Is she happy and well adjusted in your home? Are resources that could be going towards her being used to support your wife's sons?
Not sure what the dad's problem is, but is your wife doing everything possible to get him to honor his responsibility to support his kids? Is there a court order for c.s., and has she gone back to court for non payment? If not, she needs to.
Your wife and her ex decided to have a litter - fine, but you don't have to suffer for it. With that many kids, structure and routine are ESSENTIAL. Hold her accountable! Make sure she knows you're not just a wallet or sure thing, and that if the situation doesn't improve, you're out. It's not like there will be a line of men willing to take on her and her brood.
My daughter lives with us.
My daughter lives with us. She does not understand the way things are going in the house. She cannot comprehend evrything due to her learning curve disability. As far as the ex, i feel like their mom hasnt pushed her ex for chikd support. He get paid under the table. But she doesnt report where he at. Her sons value their dad when they want something from him. But have trouble trying to understand why their father isn't in the picture. So father less syndrome. As i started in the other comments, ive some alot for them and mentioned to her many times about their behaviors and she does not understand that she need to keep constant on them. They don't take responsibility for their own actions but blame everyone else. So yeah. Goes on from their lol
It only takes one good parent
It only takes one good parent to raise high quality kids. I think you're being too easy on your wife. I also think you need to let go of the idea that all five boys are in the grips of a syndrome. Sure, they might have some feelings about their dad, but those feelings don't render them incapable. Kids do what they are ALLOWED to do. Your wife is not parenting them effectively, and you don't mention her finding any support outside the home like counseling or parenting classes. She may carry guilt that their dad isn't around, or just be overwhelmed by that many kids.
Regardless of why, change is needed. You and your wife need to get on the same page as parents, or the inmates WILL take over the asylum. And you wife needs to prioritize holding her ex financially accountable. Yes, it's scary and requires effort, but it's her duty to her kids and to you.
She get overwhemled with her
She get overwhemled with her kids the way how they act. Disrespectful, over needy, messy and sometimes feel like she dont want to be around them. As i have tried to give her support and suggestions on way she can aleviate the stress. Amd put her foot down, change old habits. She doesnt want that change. Or attempt to work on these solutions. I have threaten her with divorce before to work together to fix the issues being present. Problem gets fixed but then two weeks back to where it goes because of her inconsistancy. She a stuborn tourus lol. Now as far as the ex goes she has said she spoken to des in regards of them pursuing him. And has spoken to him many occassions about it and why he chooses to be in out of their lives. She does not want him to be there if he cant be consistant. But dont push for child support.
She spoke with the boys why he not there. So them feeling that wsy i can understand why they in their feelings, but not blasting me because of his actions. Considering my father not being around until i turned 19. And i forgave him. As far that goes, they are messy, like to point fingers, lazy, fighting, and such. I have tried many times to get them to do stuff and stop with the name calling and fights and putting me down. I am feeling defeated many times with my wife not backing me up and keeping her foot down. And ignoring what was mentioned to her from me. My father told me to do exactly what she is doing when i spoke with him. The opposite so she can understand.
My heart goes out...
To your poor sweet daughter. They are bullying her? And they are not suffering GREAT AMOUNTS OF REPERCUSSIONS?
Who the heck cares about this lot. I would be so done with all of them, esp your SO. If you are not married, Id look into finding a nice peaceful place for you and your daughter. SHE must be your priority in this situation. I rarely say GO, but these 5 boys are bullying you and your SO and your daughter. Your daughter cannot defend herself and is confused. Your daughter is being punished for your bad choice in partner.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE consider everything and go look for a new place.
Simple.
Get rid of their access to gaming. Completely.
Post the standards of behavior and performance and hold them accountable. If they choose to not abide by the standards. They suffer an escalating state of abject misery. Be clear that they can GTF out and go live with their loser daddy or grow up and perform to standard.
The real problem is their mother. She needs a swift clarity kick to the ass, figuratively of course, that her children suck and it is her fault.
Frankly, if my special needs
Frankly, if my special needs daughter was being bullied by5 (FIVE!) boys, I'd have already found us another place to live. She shouldn't have to suffer and her well-being should be your top priority. Continue to date your SO by all means but stop paying for a deadbeat'skids.
Once she's on her own, she might find it unpleasant to live in a pigsty and light a fire under her kids AND go after their father for the money he owes.
Just please take care of your little girl.
Honestly, my best advice is
Honestly, my best advice is take your daughter and get out of this situation. This is not worth it and is emotionally and psychologically abusive to your child.
Be Hard
You need to emotionally disengage.
The first thing you need to do is change your relationship with them and instead of having some quasi-father-son relationship they need to understand that they have a dad and you are not him. Your relationship is landlord-renter. That disengages you emotionally and takes away any insults they have. Every time they bring up that you are not their dad I would retort, "I know, but you live in my house".
Secondly, I would take every single gaming console, computer, and piece of entertainment out of the house and put it in a storage unit, and forget about it. If they have smartphones I would shut them off and if the 17-year-old is responsible enough I would get him a flip phone in order to communicate. They earn all that stuff back through respect and good grades.
Thirdly, I would make whoever can get a job have one and for those that can't, I would force them to volunteer somewhere. This will vary based on age. I work with teenage boys quite a bit and one of the things that I was told years ago was that they are like dogs. You need to run them and wear them out. A tired teenager is a good teenager. I would seriously look into apprenticeships like carpentry, plumbing, HVAC, or whatever. People are desperate for anyone these days and they could learn a skill while also submitting to someone else's authority.
As for the 17-year-old, I would let him know his days are numbered. If/when he graduates and turns 18, he is out of the house. He is not going to live in my walls and disrespect me, my wife, or my daughter. That is laughable. They don't have any rights to anything. As I said, landlord-renter not father-son. Maybe one day it will develop into a mentor-mentee but don't get your hopes up.
I am a firm believer, especially with boys, that soft words make hard hearts and hard words make soft hearts. I am not advocating insulting these children, never. They are still children so don't lose perspective, but I would be firm and take whatever insults they want to fire at me as confirmation that I am doing the right thing. Either they will yield to you and your wife's authority or the first second they have a chance they will flee to someone else and be their problem. One day they may even thank you, but today will not be that day.
Lastly, you and your wife have a daughter and she needs to be protected. If these boys can't see that it is important to not only love their sister but to protect her then you and your SO have to make some tough decisions.
If your SO wants to throw up her hands and not allow you to do what you need to do then...
Bye Felicia...(I'd separate from her, not divorce and hopefully give her time to get some perspective.)
Good Luck