what happens when you despise your SD?
Ok, here it goes.
I'm new here, so let me start by saying hello, and telling you a little about myself and my situation. I'm 31, married just over a year and living over 500 miles from everything I know and love. I'm in the restaurant industry, back of house, with the goal of pastry chef in mind. I work at two restaurants currently at about 60-65 hours a week. I love my husband dearly, but he tends toward coming home from work and continuing computer work and very little else before bed. During the week little if any thought is given to the house. Yet, meals still get eaten, clothes still get dirty, trash is produced so someone needs to tend to those things. And, two nights a week plus every other weekend, his 13 year old daughter is over which tends to raise the lazy level. I made it clear that when I wasn't working much I didn't mind doing the brunt of the house work, but now that my weekly hours top his, I expect more team effort. Including the kid, who at 13 is the most helpless person, she is actually at the level of a eight year old in her ability to look after herself and cope with life. Not because anything is wrong with her, but because her mom coddles her to the point where she's helpless. It's sad and pathetic, and I could perhaps have some sympathy if my husband put in some effort in actually helping her develop. But, he's so fearful of pushing her away that he coddles her just as bad. To the point where when I present the attitude of,"finish the job and then you can play and finish it completely " or I tell her to pick up after herself, he tells me not to be so hard on her. Well, I'm sorry, but at 13 picking up after yourself and pitching in around the house is not too much to ask. And if I'm not in a good mood and I can't put a smile on my face, then it sends the wrong tone and I shouldn't put that attitude out there. Mind you, I've never once yelled at her or raised my voice at her. I've gotten to the point where I've asked to have my double shifts on the nights she's over and on her weekends I come home and go to our bedroom. We don't have a tv in there, so I read or sleep. It's depressing, but I would rather do that then have something I said misunderstood and get yelled at. I don't get a fair shake when it comes to the two of us, and I'm tired of dealing with this. I honestly resent her because I left everything I knew so I could marry the man I love because she exists and now she's the reason my husband won't talk to me right now. So, what do I do?
She is doing nothing to you.
She is doing nothing to you. Nothing at all. If she is lazy and unable to take care of herself because her mom coddles her, well let me open your eyes, your husband is supporting his ex wife all the way. He too is coddling her. But worse, he is allowing the burden of her care to fall on you. The mom and the daughter aren't causing you any grief, your dh is. The child is not the reason he's not talking to you, he's not talking to you because HE doesn't like the way you treat HIS PRINCESS, HIS BABY. That has nothing to do with the child or the mother, that's all on him. Don't make excuses or blame others for what your dh does.
I just don't understand why
I just don't understand why he can't love me like that.
Don't make the mistake of
Don't make the mistake of comparing yourself with her and how he loves you.
) I clean my own mess only. I wash only my clothes, put my dishes in the dishwasher... you get the picture.
But they're not my children 
1) He doesn't make her do it because he doesn't want to be the "bad guy" ... the misguided thinking being that if Dad makes her pull her own weight she'll stop loving him.
2) He feels secure in your relationship so its easier to piss you off than her ( this one used to hurt me a lot. I felt it was being taken for granted. Till I stopped trying to be a part of their dynamic. Loving me and loving them have nothing to do with each other. He chose to love me. He's their dad.... no choice in that )
When they're here he takes leave. I don't ( in our situation its school hols only
Not only does it reinforce to fdh all that I do for him, but it doesn't tick me off that I'm fetching and carrying for them AND the mess pisses fdh off because our house is a pigsty and they made the mess. We take a lot of pride in our home and we both like things just so.
I used to act like their maid thinking that they'd appreciate it. WRONG.
I just became a doormat and extension of fdh's wallet.
Call it disengaging? I consider it more a change of attitude.
If something is left in a place where it really does annoy me, I'll open the bedroom door and throw it in (trust me, you'd never know the difference!!)
My sanity was saved by removing myself from THEIR family dynamic.
My children would have been different
Thank you, everyone. I
Thank you, everyone.
I suppose my biggest fear is that if things don't get better and he doesn't come around and she starts hating me, am I going to get pushed out? He says she doesn't influence his choice to be with me and if she started hating me he wouldn't worry about it, but I don't know how to be sure. Also, how do I feel good about fighting for fairness? A lot of the time I feel like it doesn't matter because I should know my place. Then I get pissed off when things don't get done. I need help finding that balance.
I agree with ebu...don't
I agree with ebu...don't blame the kid for mom and dad's shortcomings. "There is nothing wrong with her...." Are you certain of that? She may have a disability but as with other things, her parents may be too lazy to do anything to help her.
You need to disengage.
Oh, I'm very sure. I used to
Oh, I'm very sure. I used to work with disabled children of all sorts. I understand it's all in how you're raised, but I also believe in personal responsibility. If you're told to do something or you know it's expected of you, no excuses for not following through. I have no sympathy for someone that knows better yet persists in doing the wrong thing because it's easier.
Your post makes it clear that
Your post makes it clear that your husband is lazy and not making a fair contribution to your household. Furthermore he is allowing his daughter to be lazy and make no contribution to the household. Its a lot easier to criticise and resent the stepchild, to whom you are not emotionally attached, than the partner that you love, but the blame for his daughters lazy ways lies with him. Your partner is making you resent your stepchild by failing to get her to help out, and then he is resenting you for your attitude towards her.
Your comment about not loving you like that is another issue altogether. Your husband is neglecting your relationship by focussing too much on work or IT activities in the evenings. You need to talk to him about that. When there is the added committment of a stepchild, AND you have made sacrifices in terms of moving away from your friends and family, you both need to make time to focus on yourselves as a couple. Again his failure to make more time for you is making you resent SD and the time that she gets.
You need some constructive conversations with your husband and to stop spiraling into a mindset in which you despise SD, who is not to blame for the things that are frustrating you. Draw up a list of household jobs with him, negotiate who does what, and if he chooses to make SD do nothing then he has to pick up the slack and pick up after her. Because that is not your choice or responsibility. His choice to make her lazy, his accountability for making up for it. His permissive attitude towards her is not an indicator that he loves her more than you, and you are on a road to disaster if you are going to compete with a 13 year old daughter. If anything an overly permissive parent is demonstrating that they do not have a sufficiently close trusting relationship with their child, because they are afraid to impose rules and discipline for fear of damaging the relationship. Your husbands anger with you comes from that fear that his relationship with SD will be put in jeapordy.
This 13 year old has no
This 13 year old has no concept of personal responsibility, neither parent has ever allowed her to be responsible for anything. You think she knows what's expected of her and doesn't do it. Well, the truth is, she is expected by mum and dad to relax, sit back, do nothing and all will be provided for you. She's doing that.
You may have different expectations of her. But in her mind who are you. She's not disabled mentally or physically. She's spoilt rotten, and therefore her development has been stunted by her doting mum and dad. Not her fault.
So, your jealous of her. You wonder why your dh can't love you like that. You want him to treat you as though you are an idiot. You want him to turn you into a lazy slob, incapable of so much as making yourself a sandwich. Why. That is not love. If you love someone you want them to fly. He doesn't want the best for his daughter. He wants what's best for himself. He wants to cripple her and keep that little 3 year old I adore my daddy thing happening forever because he likes it. He is actually being quite selfish. He is in the process of ruining his daughters life, and your jealous of that, don't be.
Another poster got it right when she said he does this because he is secure in your love, but he is afraid if he asks her to blow her own nose, she will stop talking to him. She won't want to come over anymore, that is why he doesn't want you to expect her to do anything, . That is your real problem. You see, he is looking after himself. He is putting his fear of losing his daughter above you, note I did not say he is putting his daughter above you, but HIS FEAR of losing her, that's not her fault, It's his insecurity. You and he need to talk about this. Because if his fear of losing his daughter continues, it grows with each passing day, it does get worse. You need to be addressing his fears and stop worrying about her. If he starts to act like a father, instead of a man trying to win this girl over, your problem may start to be resolved.