Too much pressure and guilt
Reading some of the rants on here, I can't help but think "ha! You have it easy". I would KILL for the every-other-weekend, or even week, arrangement right now.
I live with my partner and her 3 kids, full time. I work at home so I do at least get some alone time during the school day. I take the kids to school most mornings and pick them up. I look after them during school holidays. I help out mum a lot at home. To be fair to mum, she never asks me to do anything, I just feel it's my duty sometimes to chip in and help keep the kids fed, clothed and feel like they live in an emotionally stable environment. Plus, she is working sooo hard to make her and her kids' lives better. She has said many times it's because of my help that she has finally been able to do this.
Unfortunately, the father is absent and has been for several months. I feel bad for the kids - what must they think of him? He used to have them every weekend. This was the arrangement at the time I agreed to move in with mum - new house (only rented) for both of us. Things were fine... until dad stopped turning up on friday evenings.
Now, reading posts on here, I can understand the bitterness and resentment towards kids that aren't yours and have been lumped on you somewhat. But I can't simply throw my hands up and say "not my kids, not my responsibility". It's not that simple...
1) These are human beings. I AM responsible, as another human being, to make sure they have some semblance of opportunity in life. I don't want the fact they no longer have a dad to hinder their development.
2) Mum is trying so hard. If I didn't help out as much as I do, it would break my heart seeing her having to go back to being a stay at home mum. She is doing what many single mums don't get a chance to do. I want her to succeed and make her see that being a single mum is not an obstacle.
But... (yes, the big but), I just crave more adult time, both with mum and alone, and it's starting to get me really down. I think what's really bothering me here is I feel completely trapped. Not physically - I could leave any time (not married, no mortgage, no legal ties to kids) - but emotionally trapped.
How could I leave my partner and her kids, who have come to rely on my half of the rent and bills and help with watching the kids while mum is at work or university, and not feel guilty for the rest of my life?
There is a lot of pressure on me. I am holding up so much that, if I leave, the consequences would be devastating. I would have to live knowing I could have destroyed the lives of three children. A life racked with guilt is no life at all.
Those kids didn't ask to be born. Another abandonment and the resulting upheaval would surely screw them up bad as far as trusting adults in their life.
Sometimes I fantasize about me or my partner winning the lottery, or earning enough that I can get a place of my own. I actually get excited thinking about it. This is all because their dad has stopped taking them on weekends, so life, especially the weekend, is now very centred around the kids.
One little change like that can put a huge strain on what was a smooth, flowing relationship.
So next time you are dreading next weekend because a skid is coming to stay, think about those who have two or three skids full time and no time with partner. I would trade your situation for mine any day.
I know in theory it's as
I know in theory it's as simple as leave if you can't handle it and I don't mean to sound like a victim. But there are three kids here that have already been abandoned. There is way too much pressure on me to think straight about all this. It's not just the guilt of leaving the kids, it's the reliance of my SO on my working at home to watch kids while she works. If I for some reason have to go out and get a "proper job", everything she's worked towards is jeopardized.
Sometimes I think it was stupid of me to jump into this relationship so eagerly. But I didn't guess for one second the dad would stop seeing his kids at the weekends. Naive of me perhaps. I just loved my SO so much I thought nothing could get in the way. But as we slowly drift apart I get worried at the prospect of leaving those poor kids, who let's face it NEED a father figure.
Guilt is a choice and a self
Guilt is a choice and a self imposed emotion. So, don't choose to feel guilty. They were not dead or dying when you cane into the picture and they will not starve if you leave.
If you choose to stay then be all in. Keep doing what you are doing and enjoy your time with your SO.
I chose to stay with my amazing bride of 20+ years and sharing life as equity partners with her is the most rewarding choice I have ever made. Being dad to her son is just a bonus. That kid was the gravy on the cake. Yes, I said gravy.
For 16+ years our marriage was very Skid focused. Parents focus on raising their spawn to adulthood. The marriage should remain the sole priority for both partners but the kids are the top responsibility.
For 4 years we have been empty nesters and enjoying our post child raising days. The Skid is 22, self supporting, and doing great.
So, make your choice and play your cards.
Either way you choose do not feel guilty or wallow in regret. Embrace your life.
Fair point and I make sure
Fair point and I make sure that I don't put any guilt on my SO (we are not yet married). We both know the score and she has voiced her concerns about how this will affect our relationship. We had a little wobble a few months ago and I was about to leave, but I ended up promising I would try hard (at our relationship - I already try hard with kids).
Thanks for the advice. The
Thanks for the advice. The problem is the father was firmly in the picture when I agreed to move in with SO, and I liked it that way. We both wanted the convenience of him taking the kids at weekends. So it's like the whole moving in thing and imagining the rest of our time together (at least till kids move out) was that father would "help us out". Naive... I know. Forgive me, I was young!
I will keep trying. I just feel like we are drifting apart and I want to run away from it all sometimes.
I have moved in with my
I have moved in with my partner who has 3kids living with him and the youngest stays EOW plus 2nights alternating weeks. The eldest children never spend time with their mother, even hide from her when she collects the youngest. I fully appreciate your feelings of lack of adult time.
My partner used to have alone time but since we have moved in together we rarely get 5mins alone now. This is putting a huge strain on our relationship, i can feel it crumbling away daily. We are trying to find time together but it is so hard.
If you want to stay with your partner you will find a way. Dont give up tho. She is lucky to have you
It's easier when you are
It's easier when you are stepping in as the parent figure. When both birth parents are involved and you are the third - dynamic gets much more complicated. You have much more control over how those children are raised than most of us here do. It's much more of a challenge when stepparent and BM and/or BD are on a totally different page with different styles, feelings and expectations. When my SS lived with us for a while some years back it was unbelievably easier as I was the primary caregiver and not compensating for BM's bad parenting now that he lives with her.
I never thought about it that
I never thought about it that way. I was thinking purely about losing that weekend time that the BD inadvertently gave us. Saying that, I don't think a weekend was enough to complicate things. The kids always knew he was "uncle dad"!
How old is the oldest? With
How old is the oldest? With 3, one of them should at least be nearing the age to watch the others while you two check out....
Yeh, the oldest is 11 this
Yeh, the oldest is 11 this month, so not long to go. I think 14 is a good age for that. She seems very mature for her age so maybe 13 at a push.
and its a "she".. I hear
and its a "she".. I hear girls mature earlier than boys... So I hear....
Im one of those who are lucky to have a week, or should have a week, 100% skid free... It rarely happens so I often find myself retreating my the garage or my "man cave" for adult or alone time... After several years its become a happening garage. Fiance even frequents the kid free sanctuary of my garage.
Haha that sounds just what I
Haha that sounds just what I need. We have a decent sized detached garage, but it would need a LOT of work to become inhabitable for anything other than spiders. Hmm, you've got me thinking now!
In addition to all
In addition to all suggestions above.....have "date nights" at home.
Due to some serious addiction issues, and SS10 getting up at 3am to play.....the Xbox has been unplugged and removed for a couple of months now. Last weekend, I convinced SO to plug the Xbox in so the kids could play, and we had 3 blissful uninterrupted hours of adult time. We watched a scary movie in the bedroom, cuddled and had a couple of cocktails.
Normally, I'm not a fan of "electronic babysitters" but in this case, it worked great!
Cheers. We do have most
Cheers. We do have most evenings free. We just have little in common when it comes to sitting in front of the TV, listening to music or even drinking! We bond most intimately when we head out into the country. This is so rare it happens about twice a year. It makes my heart sink that we don't have proper intimate moments any more.
I'm starting to wonder why I made this commitment. I keep asking myself would I still be here if there wasn't so much dependency on me to keep everything together.
I am facing the same daunting
I am facing the same daunting questions of myself right now with my husband and his two sons. We have them "full time" during the school year, and then we have to send them back to their maternal grandparents every summer, even though they are terribly inappropriate around them. That is what mostly bothers me.
And if that's not already bad, he is leaving on deployment within the next year and he is expecting me to watch them for 6 months by myself since there is no one else responsible enough to take care of them, even though the BM's grandparents are responsible enough to watch them for 2 1/2 months every year.
I wake up to children and fall asleep to children, and if I can convince my husband that we need a date night, I have to find the babysitter and either plan the whole date or get on his ass to plan it. I need adult time. I need alone time. Having kids in my face, even though I love them, care for them, and want nothing but the best for them, is driving my crazy and terribly anxious.
I try communicating to my husband all of my needs when it comes to being my own person, but it doesn't always come across the way I want it to sound and then we're in a fight. I am sick of fighting with him, and the only reason why I am, is because I want to spend more quality one-on-one time with him.
So, I can understand your frustrations, especially when you weren't anticipating on raising them full time. But don't stay with her just because she needs help. If you stay with her, it needs to be because you love her and you love your life with her. Take a few weekends away by yourself. Hell, take a week trip somewhere. Usually distance is a good indicator of what you really want.
I would not stand for being
I would not stand for being left for 6 months with SO's children! I don't think it's right, though some may disagree.
I've made it clear to mum that I will try to be there for her kids when she physically can't be. I will also be fine with watching them so she can go out and do everything she needs - doctor, errands, night out with friends etc. But she knows that they are not primarily my responsibility, nor do I want them to be. It's only because I work from home that I can do a lot of the things a working mum or dad can't.
I think you need to lay down some rules about where his responsibility ends and yours begins. Even if it means he has to rethink his career, so be it, this is your life too and they are not your children. You are doing him a favour every time you're watching them when he isn't. Remember that. For example, I have said I will not be happy watching all three kids for days at a time (say, during school holidays), so mum books youngest into child minder as much as she can. I think this is more than fair a compromise, and the minder is wonderful.
Are you able to just head out some evenings when he's at home with kids? I know this is supposed to be your time with hubby, but I think you deserve at least that time alone out of the house and away from the kids. He should understand.
Hang in there. "Negative
Hang in there. "Negative emotions like loneliness, envy, and guilt have an important role to play in a happy life; they're big, flashing signs that something needs to change."