I probably shouldn't comment cause I'm not going to tell you something that you want to hear. There is no good. It only gets worse. When I first started dating DH, he only had EOW. Since then, he's had 100% custody of both ss's, then 100% of one and 0% for the other and this week it's been back to 100% of both for the next 2 weeks. It's a living hell. I am leaving though. It's been a roller coaster ride. I guess if the BM is a decent human being and DH has your back it would be ok. But in my case, neither one of those is true. You live you learn.

You find a man that can have balance. If he is a child centric person and thinks kids come before all forever, then yes you are and always will be playing on an unlevel field.

It is however possible to find a man that doesn't feel the need to include children in grown up decisions like houses or cars. Someone that has the same idea as you about finances and shared goals. Not everyone believes in paying for their kids college or well anything after 18. If one does and one doesn't, it will be a huge problem. If you both agree, not so much.

I think I'm pretty happy, even though my DH has a kid from a previous relationship. Mostly, that's because we communicate, we compromise, we try to see the other person's side of things. I feel like he's on my side, we have each other's backs. I don't feel like I'm in competition for my role as wife. I don't feel like our marriage or our kids are "less than" because of his history. He's not blind when it comes to his kid and when he has a moment of stupid it's not Armageddon to point it out and reach an equitable conclusion. I don't feel like I have less of him because he had a kid before we met.

I'm happy . I have my own house , a high paying job , my own retirement . I do not rely on DH for this . He has 2 kids EOWE , and I am disengaged . I have my private living space where his children are only allowed if permitted .
We have issues like other couples but we manage to work through it . He puts our relationship first . The kids needs are met , their wants get met if it fits in our budget and time . BM is insane but I let DH handle .

I am very happy - but then I do not really consider myself a SM. My DH has a son - SS30. I have very little to do with him as he is a worthless POS.

Plus to be honest my DH's 2nd wife (the bitch from hell)established precedents about not having anything to do with SS. For which I am eternally grateful.

I know that in my heart of hearts that DH would drop SS totally if that's what I demanded. But I try very hard NOT to do that. DH is not stupid - he would pick me over SS in a minute. I enhance his life and SS is - well just a worthless disgusting human being. Now DH loves his son very much, but he is not stupid - he would never pick SS over having a wonderful life with me.

But in an attempt to enhance my DH's wellbeing I try not to force him to disengage from his son. He loves him. I'm okay with their having a relationship as long as I do not have to participate.

"I realize that you fell in love with someone, but is love enough? "

Battered women stay with men who hit them out of love. So you tell me: Is love enough?

I understand the OP' question - personally , I would prefer DH to be child free as well, but I also understand that you have to make your own happiness. I think the SM scenario works if you are on the same page , at least for the most part with your DH and if you have your own life . By that I mean your own income , your own security , so you don't have to rely on whatever income DH has left over after he fulfills his financial obligations . I have a no bullshit policy . DH has college savings plans for both skids and they will launch , there will be no paying through the nose with our retirement money . Good communication , healthy boundaries are a must .

I am a step mother and I am happy, but it wasn't always this way. Things have gotten way better in the last year or so. I'm lucky that my SD only comes EOWE and I'm somewhat disengaged. I'm also financially independent from my husband, so things like the amount of CS he pays don't bother me. I've got my own beautiful little girl and another baby on the way.

What an interesting perspective from SM that doesn't have biochildren. I never thought about it that way... I guess I never put a WHOLE lot of thought in to it, since I do have biokids. But it really helps me understand the innerworkings of those that don't.

"Women without kids can give all of their love, attention, money, time, and everything else to their husband, but if he has kids, he cannot do the same."

I don't have any advice. I am a happy SM, but I also have 2 biokids. BM is batshit crazy, but she doesn't make me unhappy. I truly hope you find your happiness.

Hate to tell you this is not a SM problem, this is a DH problem... I couldn't live with a man like that, he's already taken! He lets his daughter run all over him, just like some men let their mother tell them what to do. .. Except worse, because instead of listening to a mature adult he's listening to an immature little kid. SD should never be factored into the buying of a house or car, other than the space she'll take up, of course. No kids' college education should ever take precedence over retirement. And Your DH should have the balls to ask his family or bm watch his kid while you all can take a vacation.

Women without kids can give all of their love, attention, money, time, and everything else to their husband, but if he has kids, he cannot do the same.

Love: Nope - some of my love is for my own family, and for myself. How can we love another if we don't show ourselves the same courtesy?
Attention: Nope - we have fur- kids that demand attention, whether we have time for it or not.
Money: Nope - I pay 33% of the household expenses, and all of my personal expenses. I do not pay for either DH or the boys.
Time: Nope - I have hobbies and take crafting classes and I hang out with friends. We have a Ven Diagram of friends / social circles, so there is always something to talk about when we are together.
Everything else: Nope - we are equal partners in our marriage, we give and get about the same amount, depending on circumstances.

Bottom line-this is an oxygen mask question. If you don't take care of yourself, how can you take care of anyone else?

Note: I am a happy, child free stepmom mainly because I am my husband's wife, not my stepsons' stepmother. And for mild irritation, I read this site to remind myself that I really don't have it so bad after all!

The first poster actually had it right: "I guess if the BM is a decent human being and DH has your back it would be ok." These are the two key points for any SM's success--BM and DH, and, sadly, rarely do you see anything in the press about these two key components. With a couple of notable exceptions, most of the info. out there regarding SMs talks about how the burden is all on the SM and she is to, "give it time," "don't force yourself on the children," etc. In reality, BM badmouthing you and DH not supporting you will kill any SM's chance for happiness long before she herself or SKs have a chance to.

Also, there is a child-centric culture now where children are being allowed to parent the parent rather than the other way around. This has to be killer for any SM too. Imagine having a 7-year-old in a position to control your relationship? If you have a back-stabbing BM and a weak DH, not good!! From what I've seen on these pages, some SMs have gone to counseling, learned to look after themselves, and have been able to educate their DH into finally seeing things from their perspective, and have some how made it work. But, it takes a lot of work.

I understand where you're coming from. Being a childless SM is the hardest of all, I think. As another poster put it somewhere else on this forum...as a childless SM you are childLESS without the benefits of being childFREE. That's hard. My DH is great and really does put me first most of the time...he's crazy about me, I'm crazy about him. We work together, travel together. He's my best friend. And, except for the oldest, I genuinely like his kids most days. But I've still had times of deep despair, unhappiness, and depression...I've still struggled. And, even when times are good...it still does feel fundamentally unfair. As someone who has a deep-seated need for equity and justice, this is a difficult life I've gotten myself into.

Even if DH and I do have a kid or two (which I'd like to do), he'll still never know what it's like to sacrifice for kids that aren't his. I'm giving him something that he can't ever reciprocate...and I guess that's something I have to make peace with. Actually, one time we were discussing kid / fertility issues and I brought up the idea of artificial insemination. He instantly said: "I just don't know...I'm not sure I'd want you to have a kid that wasn't mine...how I'd feel about raising a kid that wasn't mine..." I just gave him my best thousand yard stare and said: " Please...please remember this conversation the next time you're tempted to tell me that this issue or that issue I'm having with one of your kids is 'no big deal.'"

I'm happy most of the time and drunk or not home EOW
well exaggeration there, we have had issues and still do but I have learned to shut up about the annoying stuff and come on here about it.
A friend was being driven nuts by her kids and posted on FB then commented it was all worth it when they gave her hugs and said I love you mum. As a childless step parent you still get driven nuts but you don't have the bits that make it worth it. you have to get those bits elsewhere, whether it be from your partner or hobbies or what ever else keeps you sane
In my case it has got better over time but because of me making the effort for myself not because of my man or his kids (that still drive me batty)

I just joined this site. I have two SD9 & SD11. I never realized how difficult being a SM was going to be. BH and I decided not to have any children because I like my freedom but I feel like I have still given up a lot of my freedoms. For those that mention being disconnected when Skids are over, how can you do this and not feel guilty for feeling like you should be involved. I don't want the skids to think I don't like them, but many days I don't like them, or at least their attitude and disrespect they show in geneneral. I get annoyed very easily and then I wind up snapping at them. I did finally disconnect from trying to help BH with issues with BM. I feel like I need to disconnect and be gone when skids are over just to keep my sanity but we live in small house and if BH takes kids out that is money being spent. And I don't want to feel like I have to give up my house just to get away from them. I read where someone stated they had their own off limit space but my house isn't big enough for that. Any other suggestions? We get skids EVERY weekend. BH says he's okay with making arrangements for them to go to GP or cousins for weekends so BH and I can have time for us, but I still dread every weekend. I feel like my sanity has gone out the window. I cry a lot just thinking about the situation. I love my BH but I'm scared I will not have the strength to get past this. I keep telling myself just 9 more years but I remind myself that they will forever be around.

I spoke too soon the other day, Skids came and destroyed, it annoyed me I got frustrated, partner didn't care, that hurt and now he says I hate them.
FFS I don't hate them but I don't miss them either, I want MY bedroom to be off limits but that's not ok with him.
The above poster sounds like me (except mine is EOW)
Beginning to think if he doesn't trust me or at least back me up when my stuff is being destroyed I might be better off alone :?

It doesn't get easier. I care less now though. I used to try so hard and it all got thrown in my face. I was treated like a servant and live-in nanny, because I ALLOWED IT. You have a choice. Go shopping, socialise, have fun, go places on your own, do your own thing. Don't babysit, don't do everything round the house. Demand respect. That's the only way it works for me. I openly told my DH that I couldn't maintain the effort I was putting in because it was demoralising and pointless. He knows I've disengaged and he understands why.

The best thing you can do is look after yourself be auee you deserve that. Don't put yourself through HELL because you think you are obligated to be a "happy" stepmom.

It sounds like the husband that's the problem more than the children. Even bio parents make plenty of time for their relationship to keep things alive. Your relationship should be the centre with the children surrounding it, which gives them security.
I am a happy stepmum; if it weren't for the children's mother things would be pretty great. Its not easy all the time as her parenting is bad to neglectful but they are still great kids. My partner adores them but I don't feel that they come above me. I think it sounds like he needs to sort it out and put some more effort into you.