A few tips to some of you new to the hard life of a bio child free step mom , with hope that it might help someone out there ( t'is the season for new years resolutions and follow throughs ! )

I am a step mom to 2 step kids, 9 and 12. I met their dad when the kids were 4 and 7. He was not divorced at the time, but separated. He moved into my house, which i own, after the divorce was finalized. It was rough going the first 2 years - i am not used to children, dont particularily liked how they messed up my perfect house, i felt i had little privacy , their eating habits, everything bothered me about them. I tried to parent them, tried to make them clean, establish good eating habits, i opened savings accounts for them and tried to teach them good savings habits and the value of money. I tried to deal with their bio mom, who is extremely hostile, resentful and an anxiety driven insecure hyper parent and mean like a junk yard dog. I was stressed, unhappy, resentful, frustrated - you name it. Our relationship was rocky, up and down, depending if the kids were with us or not. I dreaded the days they would stay with us. We married, there was drama which involved the kids and ex and i was ready to pack it all in shortly after. After a particularily stressful long weekend with the kids and ugly fights, i started to do some research, soul search and vowed to save this marriage and my sanity. Its a process and does not come over night. It's work. I realized the following:
- I am not responsible how the kids have been raised
- I am not responsible for the type of people they will be
- I have absolutely no moral authority to parent them
- I have no right to discipline them, unless they destroy my property
- If their mother and father are ok with their eating habits, hygiene habits and do not care if they learn healthy money habits, then i am ok with it to.
- their allegiance is with their mother ( no matter how many expensive gifts i buy and yep i did that )
- i am a constant reminder to them that their mother and father will never be together again, and it's not their fault.

But the most important thing i found out is : - They dont love me, and i dont love them, and its OK ! It is not necessary that they do.

Once i figured this out and let go of my vision of this happy step family and apple pie, things really started to improve. Here is how i did it:

- I had long long talks with my husband, who needed to be educated that 60 % of second marriages fail and in second marriages with kids, the percentage is even higher. We made a pact that this will not happen to us
- We established a family hierarchy - there is me and my husband on top. No questions. The children are second in the hierarchy. They have absolutely no power in this relationship.
- I disengaged and handed the parent responsiblity back to my husband. I no longer make their dinners, school lunches , i am not involved with their homework or projects. I drive theme to school if my husband has early meetings ( and if it doesnt interfere with my work commitments ) and i wash their laundry. This is now my only responsiblity. I do absolutely nothing else.
- We take plenty of couple time. We no longer spend each main vacation with the kids. One year summer vacation with kids, the next year adult vacation on our own.
- The kids NEEDS will be met. Their WANTS will be met as it fits in our budget and time.
- The kids deserve alone time with their dad without me hovering over them at all times. I take long hot baths, read books, go running, see friends or ( this is my new year resolution ) take zumba classes which i will schedule when the kids are at our house.
- Bio mom who has a high conflict personality will be treated curtious, but with very low contact. Any angry emails and text rants will simply be deleted and not responded to.

My marriage started to get better and better. And lo and behold, the less i was involved with the kids, the less resentful they became. Its not that i dont care. I just let them be and let their father do the parenting. My focus is on my marriage and myself, because i do believe the best thing any step mom can do, is to have a strong marriage , a united front, which gives the kids a sense of security and shows them how a good relationship can be, so that they too as adults can have one.

Over the last year or so, the stress has significnatly decreased, my relationship is probably better now than the first few months we met, and I have settled into a somewhat comfortable familiarty with the kids, there are still good weekends and some not so great but it really doesnt bother me - i just get out of the house for a run, or see a friend or even a chick flick by myself.

so bio free step moms - let it go. Concentrate on your partner and on yourself. Turn on that music in your bathroom and pour that bubble. Find a hobby. Be good to yourself. Carry on. It does get better, if you want it to be. Be a good, strong role model, and put your marriage first. The kids will be spared another separation, more emotional turmoil in their lives, and one day, when they are adults, they will appreciate it ( and if not , so be it