I agree.

I actually don't know if "blended families" exist. I think in trying to force a family to function like a nuclear family the adult relationship suffers. I think for most people, it is just better to date/be involved without cohabiting/marriage until the kids leave.

Of course, I say this because of my own (bad) experience but I think it is a lot more realistic goal to just have a relationship with your man. Once you add kids to the mix, it is all shot to hell.

I'm waiting until my kids leave for college before I entertain any sort of relationship that involves living together.

I think what one needs to determine is what is meant by blended and what is meant by family.

My stepfather was my children's grandfather- if you ever saw him with his grandchildren you would never know that there wasn't an ounce of blood that they shared.

As an adult- he was more my father to me than my bio.

If you ask my stepbrother about my mother, he will tell you that she taught him how to be him, and that he is the person that he is today because of her.

Are we a nuclear family, were we are nuclear type of family.....no. But are we family- very much so.

I loved my sdad very much and his loss even 18 months later is felt every time we walk into the house. Every time my dd's do something that he would have been there for.

Interesting posts so I'll add my 'food for thought'...

Sometimes, I think the blended family takes the rap for everything bad that goes on in ALL families.

When my husband and I hear our friends, who have been married for 20 years and have 3 children together, argue over their daughter moving back into the house at age 24 (Dad says no, Mom lets her move in), we have to wonder if this doesn't happen in every family? Maybe the only difference is that these bio-parents have nothing to blame their problems on so they work harder at resolving them?

Lately, my husband has been reminding me of things like this anytime a problem crops up with either of our children. He's starting to say things like, "You know I'm a softie whenever ANY kid comes to ask me for something" and honestly, he's right. So maybe the only problem here is that his kids ask him and my kids ask me BUT...if my kids were told "Go ask (husband's name=Dad)" like nuclear families do, he probably would cave where I wouldn't.

Is it a blended family issue when 2 parents disagree and/or have different parenting styles? No, it happens all the time in nuclear families too.

When we're away from our own children for an extended period of time, are we not very happy to see them and even tend to be more lenient at first because we've missed them? Yes, of course we are. So maybe this is 'normal' behaviour but we're immediately labelling it as "Oh now HIS kids are here and look how happy he is falling all over himself to give them his attention"? Wouldn't we do that too? If we didn't immediately pin this as a 'blended family issue' would it not quickly wear off just like it would with our own children?

How about the feeling you got when your child first countered something you said with the answer, "No, you're wrong. My teacher says...." I remember feeling 'put out' that someone else had that much influence over my child and sad that my opinion wasn't taken at face value and immediately believed by my child anymore! Probably the same feeling that parents get when the kids go back and forth and have opinions, language and mannerisms that are not similar to or match your own anymore? Isn't that why teenagers are so hard to live with; the age where mom and dad are NEVER right about anything?? Let's face it, we're all territorial when it comes to our relationships. Could that simply be what we feel that causes us to label the 'outside influence' again as a 'blended family issue'?

Just an interesting way of looking at things. Now I always try to ask myself (before I jump to the 'this is yet another blended family issue' conclusion) is this really just the way my husband parents? Most of time, (unfortunately...lol), it simply is.

My parents accepted my SS the first time they met him. My GF (future wife) her son (then ~18mos old)and I walked in to the condo that my brother and I bought while we were in college. My parents were home with my brother and my SIL. SS took a few steps in the door and stopped to give everyone the hairy eyeball for a minute or so. My dad was sitting in a chair with his feet up and a box of tissue in his lap. He pulled out a tissue and blew his nose. My SS immediately walked across the room and crawled in to my dad's lap. Both dad and the Skid had a raging cold. My SS saw someone else who felt miserable and ID'd dad as someone who would understand how he felt.

They stayed in that chair blowing their noses and watching TV all day.

My parents are my SS-18's grandparents. My condolences to anyone who would try to tell mom and dad that the Skid is not their GK. He is not their first GK but he is their oldest GK. My niece was born 5mos before my wife and I married. My my parents met my Skid a couple of weeks before my niece was born.

I am my Skid's dad and his kids will be my GKs. I am going to be a really cool granddad. I will spoil the crap out of them, undermine everything my Skid and his wife do as far as manners and discipline is concerned then I am going to send the GKs back to their parents to reek havoc. }:)

I will reap my revenge on my SKid for all of the torture he put his mom and through by turning his children in to screaming hellions.

Stick; I love your post and especially your last thought!

"I really do believe that some issues are not because step families are more common now, but because some adults are afraid to parent at all and even less believe in parenting the way "we" (meaning old people like me) were brought up."

So true! I believe THAT is the root of the problem!

And Rags....thank you for sharing. Very touching; it brought tears to my eyes. I, like you, can't wait for the grandchildren!

Ditto on that, Rags! lol

Finish college, establish yourself, enjoy life a little first then....bring them on! lol