Soon to be SS and his BM Don't Respect my Fiance At All!
In a nutshell, my 35 yearl-old fiance has 13 year old son. The major life differences: my fiance and I are living together, both have jobs. We have 2 cars and I'm pursuing a grad. degree. The BM is on welfare, my fiance pays her child support, she has no car, and I'm not sure if she graduated H.S. The reason this matters is because her and the boy treat my fiance as nothing more than an ATM. On my fiances birthday,(fourth of July)he got no call, card, nothing from his son! It hurts me to hold him while he's crying his only child has no love/relationship with him.
I cannot do much because I am not a mother, but I belieev it's wrong to get support from a man and teach/allow the child to disrespect him in such a way. The only contact my fiance has with his son is when he or his mother wants something financial. We live in the same city, I work for the same school board the boy attends.It's sad, I will be a step-parent to a practically non-existent child who is so close by...How do situations end up like this? :?
Badly, at the best if times.
Badly, at the best if times. Worse, if you interfere.
This site is full of people just like yourself. People who were hurting because their, husbands, fiancées, boyfriends, whatever, had relationship problems with their children.
I know I am one of them. I stupidly wanted my hurting husband to have a relationship with his kids too. That was 10 years ago. 17 months ago after 8 years of living hell during which my husband supported his kids in their hatred if me for no reason I banned his daughter from my home FOREVER. She in turn banned her 2 brothers. So that was good. Then she got herv89 year old grandfather involved. This has meant that he no longer speaks to me and pretty much not to his son. DH has now lost his father over these spiteful, mean, nasty, spoilt, money grabbing over indulged kids of his who have grown up to believe they are special, they are entitled. That what's daddy's is theirs.
DO NOT get involved in this. Whatever is going on here is your fiancées problem to sort out.
Your fiancées child treats him like crap, then hands over money. Basic parenting mistake. Rewarding bad behaviour. Then, no doubt your fiancé says he is scared not to do it because if he doesn't BM will stop him from seeing his son.
Truth is. He is a bad parent. He is setting his a child a bad example and teaching his child. Act like a prick and daddy will reward you. Well yes, daddy will. The world however, will not. He is setting this child up to fail.
Next time your fiancée is feeling sorry for himself you might point out that the parenting style has been using has brought him to this point. Perhaps it us time he changed his parenting style and approach to this child. He cannot keep doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome. Neither can you. If you keep comforting your fiancée, if you keep supporting his belief that this is all because if BM and that he played no part in how this gas turned out. Then you too will have the sane outcome.
Stay well away from this. Let your fiancée get therapy or parenting classes or whatever he needs to change things. But you let your fiancée do it for himself.
Before you go ahead with this marriage think it through. Your future husband comes as a package deal. A son and an ex wife. The first family. A family those of us here have come to understand will always be the first family. No matter how many babies you have with your future husband his number one son will always be number 1. You could have a child with special needs and still no 1 son would come first.
You see daddy feels guilty that no 1 son doesn't have daddy living at home so he tries to make up for it by setting NO boundaries for no 1 son, and of course handing over cash. By the way you'd better start saving for no 1 sons car. Daddy will be guilted into paying for that.
Once you two marry BM will be worse. Ss will be told about all the money you have and how BM doesn't have any. SS will no matter what, support and agree with his mother. If things are bad now. Marry him and see what bad really is.
For this to have a snowballs chance In hell of ever working. Fiancée has to resolve his issues with his son BEFORE you marry, and both you and he need to acknowledge this is fiancées son too fiancée played a role in how he turned out. Fiancée is responsible for making change too. Stop putting it all back in BM.
^^^ this is wise advice ^^^ I
^^^ this is wise advice ^^^
I am working through this, too, finding a balance and a new way of looking at my role. Here's a post where I talk about why I believe childless stepparents are best off not thinking of themselves as parents: http://childlessstepparent.wordpress.com/2012/12/15/stop-thinking-of-you...
Good advise above. Support
Good advise above. Support your husband and let him deal with his ex and son. Anything else will only harden their resolve to stay alienated.
If your husband were here I would advise him to cut off all communication with the boy. Not to block the boy from contacting him but make no effort to initiate contact. No cards, no presents, no email or texts, no phone calls etc. First reason is it will help him by ending the constant reminders which happen when he is rejected. Second it takes all the power away from the BM and Son. Surprisingly once the boy realizes what he is doing he MAY come to realize he has driven his father away and he will change his attitude.
And of course he rejects all requests for money beyond Child Support.
If he does this the boy MAY re-establish contact as an adult - hopefully when he's out of school or in his 20's. At this point trying to change him is futile.
seriously why is he giving
seriously why is he giving your SS money ontop of CS when hes nothing but rude to him ?! No that needs to be cut of ASAP! he legallly does not have anything that says he needs to give him pocket money or rewards for being a brat to him. When I was younger I got pocket money for doing things out of the ordinary, not for just doing the washing up or laundry these things arent pad jobs, they need to be done.My mum would never give me money if I spoke to her in anyway and my dad, well a never tested the boundries with either of them but I doubt I would be going to him for money for a very long time after thepunishment he would give me if I was rude.
Thats the thing with your DH, hes sending out a message, do and say what you want to me and my wife and I will give you ££. No that needs to stop and like another post put, if he wants o come see his dad then he can call or text to come over and as long as your DH leaves the path empthy for him to do so then you can see if he geniuenly wants a relationship or not.
Its a shame but DH needs to grow thicker skin and stop letting a child run his life and emotions coz who has to pick him up and eal with his moods-you and thats not fair!