Sleepovers before moving in together
So, we've already had 3 sleepovers at my house with the kids (9 & 7 years old). We are planning on moving in together before the end of the year. The kids don't really like sleeping at my house, they actually really enjoyed it the first 2x, then the 3rd they weren't so excited and the last time we brought it up they said they didn't want to and so we changed plans and they all went home.
My SO still wants to have more sleepovers before moving them in but how should we deal with it since they don't like them? I say well they are kids, I had to do A LOT that I didn't want to do as a kid, it's just part of life! We just want them to get used to the idea of us sleeping together (*I never sleep over at their house) and them being at my house more often.
Anyone been through something similar? How did you approach the matter?
we live together and are
we live together and are engaged and my SD13 almost 14 REFUSES sleep overs despite the court order. She has only slept over at our house TWICE - once when we had an evening wake followed by an early morning funeral and the second time when her cousin stayed with her.
she gives us BS about being "uncomfortable" and "not wanting to" but its all abotu control for her, and neither her mother or her father will force her.
its a continual struggle/challenge with a child who has always been given her own way on everything and has run her mother's home for her entire life. she has tried to run ours but i wont allow it. that is of course probably the reason why she "refuses" her sleepovers - she doesnt rule the roost at our house.
They will be moving into my
They will be moving into my house. We've done some research and read that it's better to have some sleepovers prior to moving the kids in, that's why we're doing this lol
That's good to know! I'm
That's good to know! I'm around most of the time he has them as well, so hopefully it won't be too much of an adjustment.
Are they not wanting to go
Are they not wanting to go because they get bored there? I know my skids don't really like staying anywhere if there isn't something fun to do. Like they love going to their grandmas house because she has a pool, but if for some reason they won't be able to swim they're not interested in going, even though they really do love her.
How come you're not sleeping over with your SO at his place? That would at least get them used to you and SO sleeping together.
Maybe try to make a fun activity or something that they only get when they sleepover at your house. Maybe a movie night with popcorn and candy, and then for breakfast they get fun shaped pancakes or something? Make sure they have toys, games, etc. to be entertained with when they're there. If they're bored, no matter where it is, they won't want to go. Also if the end plan is to move them into your house, you could try to start making some space for them so they feel a little more comfortable/ at home there.
I don't sleep at his house
I don't sleep at his house because he doesn't have a bedroom. He gave up his room so the kids could have separate rooms (boy/girl). He sleeps on a pull-out love seat in the living room.... talk about uncomfortable!!! That's the only reason I do not stay over there.
I do have a lot of toys, foosball, Wii, board games - I almost wonder if they have an idea of what is going on and that's why they are fighting it - b/c they don't want to move! But hey, that's life kiddos - they will learn to deal with it eventually I suppose. I don't think his son will have much of an issue when they move in, but his daughter HATES change, she's going to throw a huge fit!
That's right, I forgot about
That's right, I forgot about you saying your SO gave up his room so the kids could each have their own room when visiting.
Kids aren't going to like change for the most part, it's just the way it's going to be. They may not like moving, but they'll get used to it, and in the long run they'll probably be happier.
Will they have their own rooms at your house when you move? If you're willing to, you could get them excited by letting them pick out (within reason!) a paint color for their room. Try to do some cool decorations (pinterest is full of great inexpensive DIY design ideas!). Try to get them excited about really having their own space, that's their home, rather than having to stay in dad's room when they visit.
why on earth would someone
why on earth would someone give up their bedroom?
no reason why the two kids couldnt take turns on the pull out, with dad keeping his room and them taking turns utilizing the bed in the other room.
Lol it is crazy! I can't
Lol it is crazy! I can't believe his bedroom is the living room either, but that's the choice he decided to make. They still share a bedroom at their mom's house, but he doesn't like that at all. So he sacrificed his privacy for them. Once we're in my house, both kids will have their own rooms and we'll have our own "suite" in the attic (we're putting in a large closest and bathroom up there) I can't wait (and neither can he!)
You have a point, Calypso. I
You have a point, Calypso. I don't like kids getting the idea that they are entitled to first dibs on every single resource and that the parent is the Giving Tree to be hacked to bits in service of them. My DH won't eat much from the dinner table until everyone else has had 2nds, 3rds, and whatever. Drives me crazy. To him, he is simply making certain everyone has been provided for. He will fend for himself or go without if he has to. But to me, he is teaching the kids that he doesn't matter. In fact, that no one else matters but them. Drives me nuts.
To me, kids ought to be taught that if resources are scarce, EVERYONE is important, not just them. They ought to be taught respect for and appreciation of their parents and everyone else who takes care of them. I do not like this martyr-istic giving up all the resources to the kids thing at all. Raises up little narcissists. After years of this, at our house it is far easier to teach empathy and sharing to the autistic kid than to the neuro-typical kid.
I agree with this 100%!!! I
I agree with this 100%!!! I think kids are too entitled these days, thinking they get whatever they want, whenever they want. I wasn't raised that way and I think it has a lot to do with the lack of respect kids have towards adults these days.
At 9 and 7 they don't have a
At 9 and 7 they don't have a choice. (they shouldn't anyway)
SD was 8 when we met and around 9 when the sleepovers started. She didn't think anything of it until BM called one morning and heard my voice. IMMEDIATELY SD was too 'scared' and didn't want to stay away from mommmmmmyyyyyy overnight. It was VERY clear BM was behind the drama. Could that be your situation?
ksmom- I think your heart is in the right place, but it sounds eerily Disney to me to do all that stuff just to get skids to stay over. I mean- a cool movie is one thing, but all the bells and whistles sets up a bad expectation. Staying at both houses is a way of life- they shouldn't be bribed to be with dad.
Moving happens- they have to suck it up.
without a doubt BM is the
without a doubt BM is the cause in our case.
this nutjob actually said to the therapist in FRONT OF my SD "i dont think she should have to sleep over at her father's house".
Yea that's what I think too,
Yea that's what I think too, they need to suck it up and if he really wants the overnight to happen a few more times at my house before they move in, he needs to do just it! Stop worrying about if they want to or not. Sometimes I feel he gives them a little more power than they should have - he isn't too bad about at least. Guilt from the divorce I'm sure.
Oh I definitely agree that at
Oh I definitely agree that at that age, it is what it is. As the parent her SO needs to just make the decision and follow through. There's nothing wrong with the kids to just be told they're going to be spending the night and it is what it is, deal with it.
However, it doesn't hurt to help put the kids in a better mood about the whole thing as long as it's not overkill. If the kids are happier to be there in general, it will make for a much less stressful situation.
i agree with you in many
i agree with you in many ways.
in fact, when we decided to live together i said to my fiance "you know that by doing this you can NEVER tell SD that she cant live with someone or that you dont approve of it". he said he didnt care.
i honestly dont care for living together outside of marriage - it isnt how i was raised and if i had a bio i would not want that for my bio. My exhusband and i did not live together before marriage. I guess i sort of looked at it like i was already "used goods" by being married and divorced so it no longer matter.
in recent months i know i can never marry my fiance until CS ends and i really dont want to wait 5-9 years to live with him so it is what it is.
If I had to do it over I
If I had to do it over I wouldn't move in together. Date until her kids are grown then get married. Far less emotional damage all around. It takes what is a workable solution with two parents living separately and throws a wrench right in the middle of it causing a whole range of emotions to come into play, none of them good.
Excellent point, so obvious
Excellent point, so obvious yet I didn't think of it till I read it. If you make connections as a family unit and start to build bonds so that you and the kids get along, then having all of you move into a bigger, nicer home together won't be anything other than positive. (Yes, everyone is sad to leave an old home, but when moving to a better place we soon forget the hold home).
For me I lived a very long distance from my husband before we married. I visited his home maybe 5 times for a few days each before I moved permanently, and he and his daughter visited me together once. Each visit was a few days, I can't remember if I saw his daughter on every visit. I did skype daily with my husband so occasionally I would speak with SD on there or she would just hear her dad talking to me, so she knew I was around and important to her dad. Moving in went very smoothly. SD was 5 at the time and had no problems. I think some of it is expectation, letting them know that it is going to happen with enough time for them to process it, and also setting up positive experiences so that the kids like you. They will also know that their dad is happy around you and hopefully that will make them happy too.
Also to add to that we moved house recently and SD7 was very excited about it all. Moving to a much bigger, nicer place. She said she was sad to leave the old house but excited about the new house. We told her a few weeks before we moved and showed her pictures of the house so she knew what was happening. We also let her have some say in choosing the decoration in her room. She has moved a lot with her mother to various temporary places recently so my husband wanted to emphasize to her that we would be staying there a long time so that she would feel secure. The first question she asked however, was how we were going to do laundry (because her mom hasn't always had access to a washer where she stayed, so it was a logical question to her). It wasn't a question that I expected her to ask, but was one worry that we were able to deal with easily. If, when the time is right, you talk to the kids perhaps you'll be surprised by what they worry about and it won't be anything to do with you, their minds work in the most strangely logical ways sometimes.