Overwhelmed and Nowhere to turn
Very new to site, so forgive me if I do not use the abbreviations correctly. I am a 48 YO SMom with no bio children of my own. I have an SD age 9. Been in relationship/marriage with DH for 5 years. He had very loose arrangement with BM for visitation and support. Did not go through court-they were never married. Last 13 months have been trying to work way through court system-a process we started when she started refusing or canceling visitation weekends. The words from her mouth were to my DH "You have no rights!" " if you want to see here then you can now transport both directions" (We live and hour apart) A process that causes drama every week. The drama started before the process, but has escalated with each event where she gets her way. She knows how to play system. My DH has told me about how having his child came about and how she has 4 BioCh by 4 different fathers.
I have a very demanding job, but I love it. I met my DH late in life and since I was older and DH is a few years older than I, we made decision that having a child of our own would not be a good decision.
We waited for 6 months after we met for me to meet his SD. I feel that I have a good relationship with her. She is our focus when she is with us..our vacation is planned to include her and we do a family friendly vacation. I could go into more.
I am feeling overwhelmed at system. I feel like I am under a microscope in my own home. My DH received a very long berating TXT from BM listing everything we did with SD moment by moment and then berating us for the choices we made to do a family hike and a week ago and for making SD go to Sunday School when she does not want to. This coming week, we are taking her for a family outing (Fri-Sun) to another city to visit his sister who in not married/no children and we are taking my MIL with so we can celebrate birthday together. Hotel stay. Her Bday is actually Sun and my brother has my 5yo neph whose Bday is close. Due to their work schedule and my neph health issues, planned my neph Bday party on Sun. I let my SD know that when we get back we would be going neph Bday. All weekend of visit she was not behaving very well. She made a very selfish comment and I explained that everyone was aware her Bday and my family would not be able to come with us and they would like to celebrate hers also. I told her the Christian way to be was to understand that sometimes we need to share our time. Her BM included a section on that and how I should know that the day should be all about ******** ( her name) and how rude my family was.
This was the last straw. She TXTs with so much vile and venom it makes me ill. We are both very different people. She would not be a person I would want to have in my life, but I do because of the SD. The class took stated that if you can't get along, treat it like a business arrangement. She is never one to ask....every communication is a demand. She demeans me for not having children and I am incapable of taking care of a child. She verbally attacks even in front of SD. When we started the process, she even told SD that we were trying to get more visitation during summers and that if that happened we would not allow her to see her friends.. SD was so upset that weekend, that we could not have a nice weekend. We have followed the attorney and not discussed process at all with her. We do not speak of her mom negatively when she is with us.
But I am so stressed all the time. Everytime the phone tweets or rings...it makes my stomach turn. My DH does not want me discussing what is happening with family and we have very few friends. And because of that, I feel isolated and I just want to talk to anyone who has been through this. I feel very sad....how can one person be so vile, behave so poorly toward the parent of their child. I have no family who have been through this, so no one I can relate to. I do love my SD, but I also know my boundaries and I am to be a role model for her. She has a mom.
But I also know that I am feeling very hurt. Almost afraid that I did not know how hard it would be having to deal with this person. When I first met her...she seemed to be respectful..until she didn't get her way the first time.
So now I have to deal with this for at least another 8 years? Another 416 weeks of nasty grams and anger? It feel like the process will never finish and she command how the system will work and how and when each minute of my weekend will go. Her gloating is almost as bad as the berating messages. But if I try to separate from it, I feel bad for not supporting my DH.
How do you all get through it?
Sounds like all the typical
Sounds like all the typical problems. Your DH needs to lay down some boundaries with BM and stop entertaining the diatribe texting.
That said.... How did you really think that taking a kid that is 9 on a vacation trip out of town ON HER BIRTHDAY to make her visit other people that she doesn't really know to celebrate THEIR BIRTHDAYS when she was with her Dad who she doesn't get to see very often was going to end well at all????
Come on, that's just common sense. Be honest, it was a set up. No kid could come out of that without making a selfish comment or having their feelings hurt.
My stomach did flip-flops
My stomach did flip-flops just reading that and remembering, as I was constantly stressed those first several (many) years.
It did get better over time, especially when DH kept standing his ground and taking her to court for contempt if he needed to. Which is why your DH needs to get that court order for visitation. He has to get his rights established.
You say she knows how to play the system, learn how to play it better. And although BMs seem to get the better end of the stick, it's still best for your DH to know what his rights are and what BM can and can't do, legally. Some love to throw around empty threats to get their way. Your DH has to take that power away from her.
Thank you for the comments.
Thank you for the comments. I just needed to vent to others who maybe understand. The weekend item was taking her to visit her aunt, whom she dearly loves. When we arrive back to our home town, I wanted us to be able to go to my nephs Bday party. I felt spending an entire weekend with my DH's family to celebrate her Bday would allow me a small amount of time to spend with mine. But that is why I asked. I will stop and rethink decisions.
Yes...we do ignore on advice from his attorney. I know my DH does not respond.
It disrupts our life....I need to find a better way to move past it. I know I have to stop hearing...I will have to tell DH that I cannot continue to be involved. It just sickened me to feel like my privacy of my own home has been broken. And maybe with a Step child, I should not expect that. Carryover from living in my own home for so long.
Our BM was also under the
Our BM was also under the misguided assumption that since they weren't married, DH had no rights. He bought it hook, line and sinker. Until I came in the picture and educated him a bit.
We had to go to court so he could get a visitation schedule set. By that time, she had shown her crazy enough that he requested a No Contact Order and that exchanges be at a neutral third-party place (where they do supervised visits). Out of everything, she fought the No Contact the most. But it was granted and cut way down on the amount of crazy the skids (and us!) were subject to during exchanges.
You are lucky that your BM tends to text this nastiness. Keep all of that as documentation. This will show how she is being vindictive just because he has moved on.
If a business associate was
If a business associate was sending you vile text messages, you would tell them to stop. If they did not, you would tell a superior. And if they continued, you would file charges for harassment.
BM's are NO different. She does not know how to properly use the phone, so her access should be LIMITED. Your man should send her a message telling her that she can no longer reach him by phone because of HER BEHAVIOR.
Just like toddlers, you have to give these crazies boundaries and consequences. She oversteps? Consequence.
I know, "it's only right that a parent can reach out to the other parent by phone", however, when that parent is using the phone as a means to harass or interject themselves into the other parent's life, EMAIL ONLY is the only sane response for that situation.
Do not feel bad about this! BM does not deserve special treatment simply because SD lives with her. Protect your sanity! Insist that DH moves to EMAIL ONLY with no notifications... preferably have it skip the inbox and go into its own folder so that he can look at it when he's ready. My man did this, and because BM had such an outburst (by calling on a work line that gets recorded and also in writing) it's now a part of the court order.
Now matter how difficult
Now matter how difficult stick with the court action until you have a court order including visitation. Once you have the CO keep copies of it tightly rolled up and ready to beat the shit out of BM with within easy reach. Also research any supplemental rules for your CO's county of jurisdiction and for the state where the CO is issued.
No matter how restrictive the CO is your best tool for managing the situation and the party with the most in depth knowledge of the CO and any applicable supplemental rules and state rules will have the advantage in the day to day management of a Skid and the blended family opposition.
When your Skid arrives ... take her phone. If BM needs to contact the Skid she can call your DH. This toxic codependency between BM and SD is the issue and controlling it and minimizing its invasion of your life is critical.
As for transportation for visitation, our CO was very reasonable in this regard. Each party is responsible to transport the child to their location. In our case we never lived nearer than 1200 miles to Sperm Land so when they were behaving and being reasonable we would split a round trip air fare wtih them. When they were being their usual toxic selves we required them to pay their half as a one way ticket. The difference in cost was a big deal to them and a non issue for us. When they got toxic we upped the pain. I would suggest that you request that each party be responsible for transportation of the child to their location.
Since you are already in the throws of a battle with BM I would suggest that you keep constantly in bare her ass mode for the duration of the CO period. This is what we did with my SS-22's Sperm Clan from the time he was 2 until he aged out from under the CO when he turned 18. Zero tolerance, no quarter, ever, for any reason. They proved their toxicity early in our blended family adventure and we made them suffer the most pain possible for their toxic behavior as we could bring to bear. Legally, socially, professionally, in their community, in their Church, etc..... We bared their asses with the facts of their behavior and we kept the Skid informed of the facts of CO, the rules and regs, and their behavior. This was the only we could arm him so he could protect himself from their toxic PASing manipulation.
So, gird your loins, get your CO, all of the facts and, and get to ass baring.
Her demands only work because
Her demands only work because DH lets her. If she says "If you want to see yopur kid, you must drive both ways." he could turn it around and respond "If you want your kid to see its father YOU drive YOUR part of it." There sould sure be a few weeks with no visitation after that but sooner or later BM is going to want you to take the kid to babysit it, and she'll bite the sour apple and drive her part.
The bottom line of parents who doesnt want to cooperate is that every selfish thing she does is possible to turn around and show how her selfish ways affect the kids.
She plays his fears of not getting time with his kid with no clue about how many BM's out there despair about how the father of their kids doesnt care about them because she takes him for granted.
She thinks she can just lie to them and get the kids on her side? Its going to blow up in her own face the day the kid asks why they never got to see their father as kids and he replies honestly BM didnt want to drive her part. Tell her you save her texts and will show them to the kid when the kid is old enough to understand. That should poke a pretty good hole in her bubble of entitlement and belief that she will get away with this behavior, and when the kid is a teenager she'll hear plenty of it, I can guarantee it.
But, all in all, its DH who must tell her these things, you should stay far away because you deserve better than to have to deal with this toxic person (its his ex after all.. nobody should demant you do any work in this), and to save you the critisizing of other people. (people is much faster to critisize steps meddling in the Bio-family affairs and its hard enough having to feel like the third wheel whitout people subtly telling you you are exactly that when they point out how you just dont understand/have no right/chose this "package"/should be OK with this or else your a evil stepmother and so on....)
But, this is going to sound a bit harsh, but dont let yourself feel too much about this whole skid thing. Its not your responsibility legally or emotionally to "fix" what is a dysfunctional relationship between two people and their kid. Focuse on yoruself, meet friends, do your hobbies and let DH do his parenting the way he wants. My SO is alwaus the one who drives both ways, and we had to take the kid permanent because BM didnt want to have her anymore. She also have 3 kids with 3 different guys and she just had a baby & bis leaving that father as well. Some peopl just make babyes their work and live on welofare. They might not realize that is what they are doing but it is, and they will exploit everyone around them if they can, so dont let yourself get dragged into this BM's exploitation of her baby fathers. She'll just exploit you too indirectly through your DH. So make your own plans and let him deal with it, and let him ask you when you got the time to hang with them. Remember this isnt just about what YOU can do for THEM, but also what THEY can give YOU, and if that isnt much you must seek what fulfills you.
Her demands only work because
Her demands only work because DH lets her. If she says "If you want to see yopur kid, you must drive both ways." he could turn it around and respond "If you want your kid to see its father YOU drive YOUR part of it." There sould sure be a few weeks with no visitation after that but sooner or later BM is going to want you to take the kid to babysit it, and she'll bite the sour apple and drive her part.
The bottom line of parents who doesnt want to cooperate is that every selfish thing she does is possible to turn around and show how her selfish ways affect the kids.
She plays his fears of not getting time with his kid with no clue about how many BM's out there despair about how the father of their kids doesnt care about them because she takes him for granted.
She thinks she can just lie to them and get the kids on her side? Its going to blow up in her own face the day the kid asks why they never got to see their father as kids and he replies honestly BM didnt want to drive her part. Tell her you save her texts and will show them to the kid when the kid is old enough to understand. That should poke a pretty good hole in her bubble of entitlement and belief that she will get away with this behavior, and when the kid is a teenager she'll hear plenty of it, I can guarantee it.
But, all in all, its DH who must tell her these things, you should stay far away because you deserve better than to have to deal with this toxic person (its his ex after all.. nobody should demant you do any work in this), and to save you the critisizing of other people. (people is much faster to critisize steps meddling in the Bio-family affairs and its hard enough having to feel like the third wheel whitout people subtly telling you you are exactly that when they point out how you just dont understand/have no right/chose this "package"/should be OK with this or else your a evil stepmother and so on....)
But, this is going to sound a bit harsh, but dont let yourself feel too much about this whole skid thing. Its not your responsibility legally or emotionally to "fix" what is a dysfunctional relationship between two people and their kid. Focuse on yoruself, meet friends, do your hobbies and let DH do his parenting the way he wants. My SO is alwaus the one who drives both ways, and we had to take the kid permanent because BM didnt want to have her anymore. She also have 3 kids with 3 different guys and she just had a baby & bis leaving that father as well. Some people just make babies their "work" and live off welfare they get for having kids. They might not realize that is what they are doing, but it is, and they will likely exploit everyone around them if they can, so dont let yourself get dragged into this BM's exploitation of her baby's fathers. She'll just exploit you too indirectly through your DH. So make your own plans and let him deal with it, and let him ask you when you got the time to hang with them. Remember this isnt just about what YOU can do for THEM, but also what THEY can give YOU, and if that isnt much you must seek what fulfills you outside of their world. Dont stay home waiting for him to make "relationship-time" with you whan he got the kid. Bioparents often just assume hiding behind a newspaper in the chair furthest away in the room while you entertain the kid is both good "relationship timew" and is in fact NOT you taking care of the kid. So dont feel like you have to do anything, its a sure way to get burned oput if you assume the unpaid nanny-role. Get your own room to go and relax in and use it every day. Say yes to invitations to fun things even if you have the kid that weekend, and go alone. Staying home because of the kid is bioparents job, not yours. There is so much freedom in realizing that you do not have any responsibility in this and can choose to be there when you want to, and to establish how DH must ask for help if he needs any help. (its sooo important to get asked. being taken for granted as a stepparent is the shittiest feeling in the world)