Newlywed with Surprise 8 y/o son
I have been in search of someone to relate to my very unique situation. I am desperate for help and understanding.
Two months before our wedding my husband received a letter stating he had an 8 y/o son and if he would like to be in his life the boy would like that very much.
We went through the motions of paternity test and have been slowly getting to know one another, every other weekend for a day. He is very comfortable with both of us and understands who we are and is happy to know us.
My husband is very supportive of my trials and fragile nature at times but even he cant relate. I am drowning in this flood of emotions when I left alone with my thoughts.
The mother is very open and happy to go through the growing process.
I am not even sure where to start. I love the man I married, I accept he has a child, I know that it is going to be ok and we will also start a family soon but I am not able to understand my new anxiety and even as I write these words I am stuck, I don't know where to start, what to say. I feel as though I have been stripped of being the mother of my husbands first child and many more irrational thoughts. I could continue but I am really hoping there is someone out there who can relate to this challenge and help me talk to over come whatever it is I am feeling.
Thank you sincerely for any support
Wow I can't even imagine what
Wow I can't even imagine what you are going through emotionally. Being a step parent is crazy greatness and I had to consciously make the decision to accept it but it seems like you didn't even get a chance to accept it since it was a surprise.
I would seek counseling, it helps me sort out my emotions and understand them and I think that would be a good place for you to start.
Your thoughts are NOT
Your thoughts are NOT irrational.
You HAVE been stripped of being the mother of your husband's first child.
I have been right where you are.
You will be OK if you really want to stay with this man. But if you don't, it's completely understandable too.
Wow! That certainly is a
Wow! That certainly is a different angle, and your feelings are completely understandable. I agree with the others to seek out counseling for yourself. If for any reason, to help get your feelings sorted out. Also think it is a good idea to lay low for a little while too and not get pregnant while you see how things develop. In any step-situation, things can quickly go from okay to bad to worse, and then maybe to okay again.
But, I want to point out that your feelings really matter too. You are maybe already feeling a little pushed into the background with your husband and his ex- and his child. Also, I'm sure this put a damper on your honeymoon. I wonder what the child’s mother’s motivations were in contacting her ex- at this time? Did this just happen to occur around the time of your wedding or __? Not saying there were any ulterior motives necessarily. Agree it would be better to get some history.
Anyway, back to you. When you speak with this counselor, make sure you are true to yourself, and don’t let the counselor talk you into anything that doesn’t sound right to you. Try to look at the facts of the situation too. Your husband will be paying child support for this child, and probably even back child-support. Lots to digest, but all part of what SMs contend with on a day to day basis.
First I want to thank
First I want to thank everyone for noticing my post and replying with such heart.
My husband and I were caught off guard with this new member and we are going through this process as tactfully as possible. There is Definatly no book with rules and regulations. We are trying to support each other to the best of our abilities. He is supportive but I do feel as I should be seeking counseling. We recieved the letter in May and our wedding was scheduled for July. We both went I to knowing our picture of life would look different and we accepted that to go forward into our marriage. It has been approx 7 months and working our our relationship together and with him.
I am ready to talk to someone and gather coping strategies to become comfortable with my new life. Maybe comfortable isn't the word for it but acceptance is important. Thank you again and I appriciate any thoughts or advice.
We have gone into this knowing that we love each other and there is another young human with hopes of knowing his father and we need to remember that and grow together. I just needs some reminders and strategies of how I can move forward with love.
Thank you everyone.
You can still enjoy the first
You can still enjoy the first pregancy together. He will see your belly grow, will see his baby being born. And he will be able to see every day of the child's first years. You will share a lot of firts together.