Need to share
First, thanks to all of you who have shared your experiences and advice on this forum. It has been my saving grace when I need help.
So this post is just me ranting and raving becuase I have no one else and no where else I can share openly without hurting someone else tremendously.
Why did I survive an abusive alcoholic wife who wore her bi-polarism like a badge of honor just to learn a whole other level of loneliness in my life?
I dreamed of having my own children but realized that bringing them into the life I had with my ex would be cruel and unusual punishment on an innocent soul. After 13 years of falling in love to slowly fall into hell where I wished for death because it would be an end to the emotional, physical, and even spiritual abuse...I finally escaped. Shortly after I fell in love with the girl I had dreamed of when i would imagine a better life. She is kind, beautiful, understanding and intelligent. She also has two kids from a previous marriage. SD's are 12 and 14 now. They are good kids and I love them. But they through no fault of their own and some childish ignorance bring me pain I never imagined.
I have never felt more alone in this life than when...
I realize I will never hear the heartbeat of my own child for the first time.
I will not get to pick out a name.
I realize I will not feel the bond my DW the BF shared when they created these lives.
My family name ends with me.
My ex wife had a baby a year after I left, found zen and lives in Durango where I always wanted to settle. And she thinks its healing to send me pictures of her daughter even though i've told her to please stop.
When I stand at my parents refrigerator and see my siblings and cousins in pictures with their kids.
When I say "have a great day at school and I love you" when I drop the kids at school and I hear "remember to pick us up"
When my DW says "you know what its like when..." and shares a story with another parent about being pregnant, having to deal with toddlers, kids first days of school or anything I cant relate to because i never experienced that. Oh how the conversations i used to be fascinated by when we met have made me want to stop breathing.
When my DW told friends that a pregnancy scare was a huge relief when she got her period when I hadnt been more excited in my life.
Reading your stories has been helping me deal with these heartaches more than you know. Instead of turning to substances i come here. I hope I made sense and didnt come off as an unappreciative bastard. This is long time reader and first time poster saying good night and thank you again.
Welcome, Jay! This site has
Welcome, Jay! This site has been my saving grace, too.
I'm sorry that I don't really have any advice to offer. Have you ever discussed your desires to be a father with your DW? Does she know how you feel?
(((Hugs)))
Jay - You haven't said how
Jay - You haven't said how old you are, how long you have been married, or how quickly you married after your bad first marriage.
Did you discuss having children with your DW before you married? It appears she is still able to bear children (pregnancy "scare") and the assumption is you are, too. So didn't this topic come up when you got together?
If you discussed it, and it was agreed there would be no more children but now you are having second thoughts - you need to discuss that with DW.
Everone has a "dealbreaker" in a relationship - and unfortunately, those can shift with time. Maybe your dealbreaker is the fact that you now want children, and her dealbreaker is that she doesn't.
If she never wants any more, then you have to seriously consider the feelings you have now, and if you can adjust to not having kids. If the feelings continue to grow into full-fledged resentment, it will only bode badly for the entire family dynamic. You will feel more and more shut-out and DW and her DD's will sense it.
Honest conversation about this (difficult and emotional they may be) need to be had by the two of you. Maybe some counseling would work.
But the bottom line is that if you have a great desire to have your own children and she does not, it is a problem. Of course one never knows for certain if kids will be the result of any relationship. You may find out that YOU have fertility problems, or the two of you together have fertility problems. And even if you tried with someone else, you could find that they have fertility problems. Nothing is guaranteed - Mother Nature does hold some significant cards in this, too.
As you've seen here, even if you and DW have children together, it changes the dynamics with the DD she now has. And that can be a real tough road.
For what it's worth, I have no children and neither do my siblings. Our family name also ends with us. It was never our intent to never have children, it was just how our lives unfolded. But I will tell you that for all the joys that children bring, they can also sometimes bring risks, and sadness and regrets.
I hope you come to find out what the best answer is for you and your DW, in a way that doesn't destroy either of your wishes and desires - but is done with kindness and consideration.