Need Outside Advice Urgently
Alittle bit of background. myself F29 and my bf M39 have been dating for 5.5 years now. I knew that he had a son when we started dating, however mother was blocking visitation and I did not meet his son until 2 years into our relationship. We received a CYF report and were called to court where SS then 6 years old was immediatley placed into our custody. I went from just myself and SO for 2 years to having a child living with us that I had never met before. He has always had behavioral issues and has always been nasty towards me. For the past three years I have worked third shift so that I can get him to school and off the bus after school, so that my SO can work during the day.
Fast forward to present day and my now 9 SS has gotten worse and worse with his behavior towards me, being disrespectful, hitting, not listening to me, trying to cause fights between me and my SO, causing issues at school etc. His bio mother has now had all visitation taken away and gets zoom calls with him three days a week. I am constantly told to be there as just a fun parent instead of dicipline but that is impossible when I am constantly alone watching him until his dad gets home from work. The only solution my SO has given to me is to try to flip the script or make him laugh or hug him when he starts acting up because it works for him. I keep telling him I'm incapable of doing that when I am upset as my SO is beyond bad and disrespectful when these situations occur. When I say this I get yelled at and told that I cant be helped. My SS is also very manipulative and will act sweet as pie to his dad when he gets home. I have given up so much and sacrificed so much even going so far as to help with attorney fees upwards of 10k so that he could get his son. I am deeply in love with my SO and I dont mind all of the sacrifices I've made, but I dont know what to do anymore and I'm sick of a 9 year old controlling the both of our lives with his behavior. I buy all of his christmas presents and birthday presents every year because I know what he likes on top of all of this. I have high anxiety and depression and its very hard for me to flip my mood or handle situations as well as my SO and I really think he just does not understand how hard it is for me and thinks I'm just refusing to try to help the situation. Its causing fights at this point and I dont want our relationship to get hurt because of his sons behavioral issues. We hardly ever get to spend time as a couple or go on dates due to our work and child care schedules as well and when we get a night off together his SS is in his face all night. I understand that I'm not in a very well liked position in my SS eyes, but I've tried so hard and I've gone through so much emotional damage I dont have much fight left in me and I have noone to talk to about this that understands my position.
The boy needs professional help
I think this goes beyond bad behavior though there's plenty of that. I'm no psychologist but my guess is this boy is acting out issues with his mother being absent.
Your SO isn't doing him any favors by not taking him for professional help and by tolerating the bad behavior. Can you and he sit down and discuss calmly? Perhaps the pediatrician can give him referrals and advice.
If your SO is like my DH, he's defensive. I've had luck by framing my comments as concern rather than criticism. "I''m so worried about Timmy. He's so smart and (positive trait).. But when he (description of bad behavior), I worry how teachers, bosses and police will react. I would hate for him to give anyone a bad impression".
Actually, this situation is dangerous for you. If he's hitting you at 9yo, what will happen when he becomes a grown teenager? Your SO isn't supporting or protecting you. He's failing both of you.
I should have added, my SS
I should have added, my SS was moved out of public school and is at an all boys behavioral school for the past two years. he sees a school psychiatrist there and takes medication, but they need to be doing more. Its a shame even with behavior this bad they wont diagnose because he is too young, but he is the definition of defiancy disorder. His bio mom is constantly filing things against us in court and my SO has ptsd from their relationship to the point whatever discisions he makes he needs to think of what his ex will do or file against him because my SS will lie to get what he wants from his mother including feigning abuse from us, the school, his paternal grandparents etc.
Ask yourself
Are you sure you want to stick around for this? I can't see the situation getting better. Here's an out-of-control boy and a father who is paralyzed due to the mother:s legal pressure. You've given a tremendous amount to this situation but I can tell you're unhappy and I would be, too.
I've thought about it alot
I've thought about it alot but I cant see myself leaving my SO. I think what needs to happen is that I'm not put into situations that cause tension such as being the one to get him off to school and off the bus because these are times of the day when he is asked to do things such as make his bed or not take certain things to school with him and it clearly triggers him. I would do anything to support, but the arrangemnet we have is clearly not working in my favor anymore. I need to find a way to distract and ignore his behavior in the meantime, but with the responsibility I've been given it is impossible for me to just be fun parent. I've stepped back alot as I used to shop and cook for my SS everyday, buy him things, take him places (including Disney World with my parents and siblings) etc...Now I do the bare minimum because thats all I can handle mentally while trying to maintain my mental health. I do all of this while working full time and doing college classes full time online, so I feel like i can never catch a break. I'm currently looking for day jobs so that I can at last have the weekend/nights with my family as opposed to never having the same schedule as them which I hope will help. Its not always terrible and I feel like he does love me, but my SS is very troubled and its been detrimental to both myself and SO. I am hoping that things get better because I want my SS to have a good childhood and to have a good future as well and its like talking to a wall. I really hope I get the opportunity to step back a bit so that we can start over and I dont have to deal with being in charge so often while my SO is at work.
What would your SO do if you
What would your SO do if you were not there?
At this point, you might want to put it to him that way. Tell him that his son clearly has issues and that it just isn't "you".. he is in a behavioral school for goodness sake! Tell him you are done caregiving for his child.... he needs to find a solution. If he can't or won't.. you will probably need to consider leaving.... or living separately
Welcome to the site!
Sorry - I was confused by this bit of your story: " I keep telling him I'm incapable of doing that when I am upset as my SO is beyond bad and disrespectful when these situations occur. When I say this I get yelled at and told that I cant be helped."
Is it your SS yelling at you or your SO? If it's your SO, I would be packing my bags straight away, because when I've been trying my hardest, to have someone yell at me and tell me I "can't be helped" is crossing a very thick red line. Unless your SO is supremely sympathetic to your position, and will take steps to get some of the weight off you, I'd leave.
Typo! My SS not my SO! He is
Typo! My SS not my SO! He is usually very sympathetic and does what he can but I know he is stressed out too and he doesnt know what to do. The problem is his fear of his ex keeping him from getting this kid real help as I dont think the school psychologist is cutting it. He needs intensive therapy or an in house program.
His ex lost all visitation
His ex lost all visitation rights. Does he understand how incredibly rare it is for that to happen to a mother? Why would he be afraid to get his child the help he so clearly needs? What's to fear?
She is a very unstable person
She is a very unstable person and has called the police on us saying we abused her son just because she didnt have an extra zoom call before, she is constantly filing contempt against us, she has even opened CYF cases against us which caused everyone trauma(Including her son). Obviously everything was dismissed due to unfounded evidence, but its just been one thing after another. Its like we know that she cant do anything to us, but its the emotional trauma of going through all of it. When my SO has raised concerns to her about my SS mental health she blames it on him and then calls his school and complains and refuses to coparent or support, to the point where during her last visitation she threw out my SS meds and told him not to take them and that he doesnt need them. She even tries to harass my SO family constantly as well as his 80 year old grand parents. I'm really hoping her not having visitation now will calm the situation down as she wont be able to influence my SS as much. Bless my SO for all he has done to step up and better himself over the past three years for his son. Its just not an easy situation for me to be in and my SO sympathizes more with his son because he has a step dad as well as a step mom who he doesnt see anymore. I just feel so alone like noone understands my position. I'm thinking of talking to his dad (step dad) about it since he might have a better perspective. My SO has actually suggested it.
Sometimes love just isn't
Sometimes love just isn't enough. You are already going above and beyond...
This kid was moved out of public school because of his behavior
He's nuts. He needs. real help. He need a mental health evaluation with a person with MD after there name. A treatment plan must be worked up. He must see someone with the MD guiding the process , Most likely giving some type of drugs. To help.
'DH your first problem.. think hugging him telling him he ok is the way to go.. Not seeing the handwriting on the wall.
'Is someone in DH OE BM family's nuts. Most likely it's comes from someone.
'you are going to have a long ride ahead of you, it's going to get worst as he gets older.
Yes BM is a wacko and most
Yes BM is a wacko and most likely has undiagnosed and untreated schitzophrenia ontop of narcicissm and refuses to get help or a mental health eval which eventually led to her losing all visitation as she poses a threat to the child.
The kid won’t get better.
As someone who's worked with this type of kids for years, I've got bad news for you. First of all, for his mother to lose any face to face contact means she's perpetrated some awful stuff on him and he's been seriously traumatised. From her description, it sounds like the kid has also inherited some mental health issues. The fact they're showing up at such a young age tells me there's a strong genetic component that you can't "cure" with love. I've worked with kids that have committed the most callous crimes, yet there was no place for them in a behavioural school. If he got it, that means his problems have been assessed as chronic and unlikely to go away any time soon. He's not responding to meds, which is bad news. There's meds to knock out even adult offenders. adolescence hormones (impulsivity, anger) and his size increasing it'll get worse. From my experience, the only thing that stops the escalation of these behaviours is jail. Don't become the reason for him to go to jail for. You didn't sign up for this, for raising a psychopath's child. Find a way to safety away from him.
It was your partner that
It was your partner that yelled at you and said he can't help you, when you were trying to have a discussion about HIS son's behaviour??
That is absolutely not ok. Look, I know you say you love your partner but ahead of you is nothing but trouble and heartache if you stay in this situation. The child isn't going to magically get better and your partner isn't going to support you - he's already demonstrated that!
You're still a young woman. Find a partner who will love and support you, and who doesn't have the kind of baggage this man does
Step Back....
and look at it from another perspective. What would you tell you best friend if she relayed this story to you??
From what I've learned in the Step world, you are doing WAY too much. Your SO is putting all the pressure of raising this kid on you and then has the nerve to shut you down when you voice concerns. THAT is not a supportive partner. I agree with what everyone else has said. This situation will not change. Or rather, it will change by getting worse. A 9 year old being violent against you is NOT going to get better.
I know you don't want to end your relationship but without some serious counseling for you and your DH along with some much heavier interventions with his kid, you are in for a life of HELL with this kid.
Thank you for this
Thank you for this perspective. Its a bit of a different situation, but I think the only thing that has kept me going is the support from my family and my SO parents. I think my SO needs counseling from the abuse he went through with his BM and I think we all need family counseling. I'd really like to sit down with my SO and his parents to really discuss it in depth. We had counselors come to our house twice a week for about a year, but it was just play therapy so didnt really help out my SS. It did however help myslef and my SO by talking with them and figuring out how to handle different situations. As much as it is disruptive to our daily lives due to our schedules, I'd love to have everyone get the support and help they need. I know I definitley have done far beyond what should be expected of me in this situation and I think I really need to disassociate for awhile.
If BM has schitzophrenia
Most likely it was passed on to SS. He needs help. ASAP. He needs a mental evaluation with a person with MD after there name. He most likely needs drugs and treatment This is for his own good. Or else he's going to grow up not educated. And crazy. He will wine up in jail.