Need Advice ASAP

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Hi Folks!
I'm new to the site, but felt like it could be helpful. My partner and I have been together for a little of two years. We (me, her, and her 7 year old daughter) moved in together a year ago. It has literally been one of the toughest experiences for me. The move - blending my life with theirs, sharing everything, and being involved in the full time life of a kid, has been a lot. In the midst of everything, we got engaged and soon after broke it off. I have felt incredibly overwhelmed, anxious, and frustrated. Recently, my partner and I had a conversation where she was really able to hear what I'd been feeling, and I got some good insight into her perspective. I love her, I love my sd, and and I don't know what to do. My relationship with my partner is hanging on by a thread, I've contemplated getting my own space, but I don't want to not be with them. I just want feel better, to feel like I can breathe, to not feel so anxious.

Has anyone else experienced this? How did you overcome it? How did you recover?

I need help!!!

When it's just not right -

When it's just not right - well it's just not right. And no amount of time makes it right. Not all relationships are forever.

Right. I get that no

Right. I get that no relationships are permanent, AND I keep wondering if there is something else to do, some thing that we are missing, so group, or class, or something that would help us.

Perhaps you are someone who

Perhaps you are someone who needs a few degrees more separation in this relationship.

I've been on my own with my son quite a while since my divorce over a decade ago. I actually prefer having my own family home, my own sanctuary. I adore my SO, just some of the crappola that comes along with him is challenging. I think that maintaining separate residences has definitely allowed our relationship to develop and deepen. That and STepTalk ... lots of opportunity to chat and forestall problems.

Overwhelmed and constant low-level anxiety is not any way to live. Life passes quickly.

Perhaps taking your relationship back into more of a "dating situation" by moving into your own place, may give you all a bit of a breather and actually allow you to work on things with some peace.

We've had a ton of back and

We've had a ton of back and forth conversations about me feeling like I may need my own space. However, different spaces would be the end of our relationship, as it's not what she wants and needs from a partner. I get that. I've felt like some separation would be really helpful, but it won't work for her.

So I've been trying to figure out how to make this work for all of us. If there is something I can do to feel better, then, I will.

Are you able to carve out a

Are you able to carve out a "sacred space" for yourself in your current home? Spare bedroom/office, attic, garage w/a space heater?

I guess that I don't have a good sense of what the issues are that you are dealing with day in and out.

Indigo, Thanks for asking! We

Indigo,
Thanks for asking! We live in a 2 bed/2.5bath townhouse. Unfortunately, we don't have that extra space, but have talked about moving somewhere that would offer that.

So, what are the top 3

So, what are the top 3 stressors for you right now?

- trying not to feel

- trying not to feel consumed
- figuring out exactly what I should be doing as a step parent.
- managing 8 year old drama, tantrums, talking back in a way that doesn't make me morph into a monster

Boundaries are good things.

Is your DW a child-centric, loving, permissive, friend-to-her-child style of parent? Is the bio-dad a factor at all?

You are not the parent of your SD-8. You will never be the parent unless you formally adopt etc. What I mean is that you are your DW/SO's partner first and foremost. Her job is to be the parent, to guide, to discipline, to manage the drama, to ensure that her child is respectful of the other adult in the household.

You don't sound like a monster. You sound like a reasonable person who wants to have a peaceful, pleasant, loving household. If you feel this way already, you are wise to step back a bit, reassess and think about how you wish to live your next 20 years. BTW, you cannot fix anything single-handedly no matter how much you may love your partner.

She is very loving and really

She is very loving and really loving parent. The bio-dad lives a few hours away so sees the kid a couple times a month.

I've felt like there was an expectation to be this family unit, to be a star co parent, and I've felt like I was flailing, like I couldn't do it well, or right.

I appreciate the reminder that I can't fix anything alone. I needed to hear that. We are at a place where we are either going to stay together in the same home and try to work it out or move separately. My SO and I recently got on the same page about how I've been feeling and she wants me to have faith that it will work out, and jump with her - despite my fear. The ball is in my court in terms of a decision. So I'm hear, trying to get as much insight as possible.

I too am struggling with

I too am struggling with where I fall as a partner/ co-parent/ whatever you want to call it. My partner doesn't expect me to discipline the kids, but sometimes stepping in is necessary to dispell conflicts.

Have you had clear conversation with your partner as to what role you should play and what you role you are both comfortable with? Maybe clarification on that front would help, or relinquishing any discipline or parenting you currently do, to help you feel less overwhelmed.

Luckily my partner doesn't

Luckily my partner doesn't make me feel like I monster. I sometimes do because I get so frustrated and fuss.

I think parenting classes could be SUPER helpful.

Just to be clear, you don't

Just to be clear, you don't have any children of your own, correct?

For me, I feel like I'm trying to figure out how to live with my partner and his boys and dealing with it all at the same time is really overwhelming! I like kids, and I love my 2 SSs, but I'm not used to be a parent or to sharing space with children. It has been a huge adjustment and unsure what resources would help for navigating it. I will say, your time, feelings, desires matter -- don't forget to prioritize yourself and your relationship with your partner just because there is a child involved! Unhappy parents and partners are apparent to children quickly. Parenting classes or family counseling might be helpful! I'm thinking about counseling options for our family!

.

Good Lord, Sally --- you

Good Lord, Sally --- you sound like an Irish-American Catholic. My mother always said "Murder, maybe. Divorce, never." Cultural idioms

Catholic divorce: a forceful

Catholic divorce: a forceful push down the cellar steps. Catholic birth control: a tennis ball. You hold it between your knees at all times. Alternate Catholic divorce: if you know any mafiosos or Hell's Angels, you can get them to cut the brake line in your spouses car.

It has not been easy, Sally!

It has not been easy, Sally! Thanks for validating that.

I'm happy to hear that the living situation has worked for you because I've constantly wondered if I'm being selfish!

Thank you! I've felt like my

Thank you! I've felt like my anxiety and frustration and everything meant it wasn't right or not going to work. We were in couples counseling and broke up briefly when we called off our engagement. I never anticipated it would be so tough. Granted, I had no real expierence either. This is helpful!

Definitely looking into that.

Definitely looking into that. I'm not interested in just ending things!

Well, I disagree with the

Well, I disagree with the last comment at the reasoning of.

DOABLE, but at what cost?
As a man to man I am here to discuss this with you, and I humbly ask any women to not take any offense to what I am about to say, as a lot of this can be Visa Versa.

We as men, it is not in our blood to take on others children, its against our instincts, we may love and care about them....but it still runs against our grains.

Why would a single man in his prime with no kids...choose this kind of lifestyle?
We are supposed to be the KING of our domain, but you will not be in this situation...so you will forever endure that dynamic.
You will never receive the respect that you would in a normal relationship..PERIOD!

You will be disobeyed, ridiculed, entrenched, demeaned, guilt tripped, and assumed ALL the responsibilities of this mess with ANY of the benefits...NONE!

Now what I am saying is sure to piss some people off who feel differently and I mean no disrespect to anyone, but these people who get offended only do so because they feel this way deep down inside and my words bring it out.

In the long run this is what to expect
1) Assume liabilities, paying for a child that isnt your.
2)Brought into the emotional baggage of the "other family" the fathers family (This sucks)
3)Fall in love and continually look to better them, as you neglect yourself
4)All the while being critiqued by not only the kid(s) but by the SO and all the other people involved....If your family really cares about you, they will end up giving you warrnings against this situation as well, talk to the man figures in your life
5)Eventually your good name will be dragged through the mud through constant demeaning and propaganda pushed by the child and childs family.

I urge you, to look at this seriously with effective and true feeling.
Try not to ignore any internal feelings, this is a important step FOR YOU.

You will find the biological parent puts themselves, and the kids first...you will always be last, and it will feel incomplete many of the times.
You will feel like she doesnt listen or care about you, and you masculinity and your role as the man in the house.

I am telling you this because I generally feel and have felt what you feel now. I bet I could run down exactly what you go through and how you feel.

I would also like to point out the fact that she points out quite bluntly what her "wants and needs" are without any regard of yours.
This is classic manipulation from "the single mommy" I strongly urge you not to fall for it.

I feel your pain. I moved in

I feel your pain. I moved in with my bf (he's the father of a 14 yro male.)

Sarah, RUN! Seriously....dont

Sarah,

RUN!

Seriously....dont look back.

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