Looking for advice from happily married bio-free parents.
Forums:
So I'm brand new to this forum. I'm 26. I've had my share of dating, love, pain, and everything else in between. I've never considered dating a single dad until I met my guy that I'm dating right now. We are still fairly new (less than a few months). I have no intention of meeting his daughter until I see where everything is really going. But I could see things be very serious.
For all of you happily married, step parents, what advice do you wish you had for yourself now when you first started dating your previously-single parent?
Much of it depends on the
Much of it depends on the role the Bio Mom plays. I'm dating a woman with a child, and the bio dad is very active in the daughter's life. For me, it would be easier to be a Fatherly figure, rather than whatever nebulous role I'm supposed to be playing. My girlfriend's ex is a constant part of my life, whether it is phone calls, exchanges, or the daughter talking about him. The kid regularly draws pictures of herself with my girlfriend and my girlfriend's ex together. Keep in mind, marriages can dissolve, but having a child with someone is forever. Co-parenting is Til Death Do We Part, not marriage. It feels polygamous at times. Just as my girlfriend feels her daughter is "an extension" of her, the daughter is also "an extension" of the father. Get used to your partner doting over another woman's child and DNA. Get used to this other woman's traits being expressed in the child. Get used to your boyfriend talking excessively about the child. Get used to him finding every minor detail about the child fascinating, with you finding almost none of it fascinating. Everything will revolve around the child. At times, it will feel as if you're living HIS life, rather than your life. Get used to being the third wheel. It's possible or likely that my girlfriend and I will remain together until the end--I do love her dearly. But I would never, ever date another woman with a child. It's worth noting: I have it good. The daughter is likable and the bio-dad is generally reasonable. Even on good days, there is sadness in me. The more I love my girlfriend, the more profound is the sadness. I want her daughter to be mine.
Thanks for the insight. I
Thanks for the insight. I don't have any direct contact with Bio Mom, but she sounds like I'm going to have my hands full. Do I judge him based on his ex? Or decide to leave because of the ex?
I don't know if this is a girl only issue. But I'm not used to not being a priority in the eyes of my significant other. I don't expect to be ahead of the daughter. But feel like a terrible person asking for any type of prioritization. Do you feel that way as well?
Likely, you'll spend a lot
Likely, you'll spend a lot more time and energy thinking about him than he will about you. "Your" time will have to wait until the kid is not available to him. When the 3 of you are together, it will be about the kid. Your boyfriend will be consumed by the kid and not notice that you are feeling neglected and bored. He will speak about the kid first to others, not you. People will ask him about the kid first, not you. You will watch movies and shows that the kid likes. You will take vacations that the kid likes. Your life will revolve around someone else's kid. I'd leave now, before you fall in love with him. Seriously.
Don0t think of it even..u ll
Don0t think of it even..u ll be the least priority
Chibi, I just have to reach
Chibi, I just have to reach out to you because of the last comment you made, " I don't expect to be ahead of the daughter, but I feel like a terrible person asking for any type of priortization."
DON'T feel like that PLEASE.
You state that you can see things getting serious, great! If you plan on having a life with this man, possibly getting married, having babies, you need to set your boundaries and have conversations about your role now.
It all depends on what you WANT your role to be of course, but I have seen SO many times on here women that have husbands that put THEM on the back burner, or worse ON THE SAME LEVEL as their children and that is not okay.
I PERSONALLY beleive that spouses always come first (in most cases, obviously if my house was on fire I would save my hypothetical child before my SO, but I digress).
Children are CHILDREN. They have no opinions or part in adult relationships. No, it is not terrible of you to want some sort of priority in your new BF's life, there should be a happy medium. Coming into a blended family situation can be tricky but I firmly beleive that if you nip the Disney Dad, entitled children thing in the bud early you can save yourself a lot of heartache.
Please do not go into this relationship wanting to give into to everything for his daughter just because you don't want to seem to be stepping on toes, or "taking her place". If you are serious about this relationship, that will be YOUR family too. Just a thought, good luck!
I appreciate the insight. As
I appreciate the insight.
As I've been reading through this forum, I'm wondering if my boyfriend is really ready for anything.
The divorce was only final about 6-8 months ago. The daughter is only 3, but I see signs of guilty dad.
This site definitely opens your eyes to the complexity of the situation.
I guess it's so weird to date someone and HAVE to consider motherhood on date 3 and 4...haha.
To be perfectly honest......I
To be perfectly honest......I probably wouldn't ever hook up with a man with kids again.
I've seen the disney
I've seen the disney dad/guilty dad comment flying around. Is that the sign to run?
Or do I just need to be aware that will take extra work/heart ache/time to work through?
Solid advice above ^^^ And a
Solid advice above ^^^ And a positive example of how it can work below >>>
soon2bStepmomKY, my mother
soon2bStepmomKY, my mother handled the situation with my sf much like your dh does with sd ..my siblings and I always knew that our mom's marriage to sf was her first priority. We knew our place, and there was no option to be disrespectful to him. And he was decent and good to us. And he was decent and respectful to our father on the occasions all of us were together. It all worked out well and we had a great relationship with our step-parent. It doesn't mean that your SO's children's needs aren't his - or your - first priority...but it does mean he is allowed to love you totally and make his commitment to you a very important priority in his life. If you totally love and support each other, it's easier as one team to work together to raise the children.....