Leaving...
I'm exhausted and depressed and see no way out other than to leave my husband and live apart. I love him but falling out of love over the situation with his son. SS17 lives with us but it's been a nightmare.
His son moved with us over a year ago and our relationship has gone downhill. I see my husband as blind to the passive-aggressive stuff and refuses to address the real problems. I no longer cook bc ss won't eat anything I prepare. When I brought it up he says "don't worry about it everyone throws food away". So I stopped cooking and grocery shopping and typically spend most days in my room, searching for jobs and mentally dreaming of leaving.
I don't recognize myself anymore. I used to have my depression under control and now I'm going back to the dr to go back on medication. I am angry all the damn time and feel like I'm losing my mind. I never walked around like this. Hyper-critical of everything, sad and angry.
I used to be independent but when moving with my husband a few months ago my company went out of business so I can't go back to that job even if I could and I'm trying to find a job now and it's taking a while.
I suffered a miscarriage 6 months ago and now just feel overwhelmed. I guess I should be over that by now but I'm not. I feel like garbage, I feel surrounded by a step-kid who reports everything back to his mother and resents me for no damn reason. At first my feelings were hurt and now I don't care I just don't want to live like this. I know I'm not his mother and never wanted to be. We used to have a good relationship but no longer and I just don't care anymore. I'm not trying to figure out what happened between us because I didn't do a damn thing other than marry his father. His mother and SF don't want him back there either even though I know BM would take him back just so she doesn't have to pay child support. But anyway IDK. I just want out.
I spoke to my husband and he says he understands why I feel that way but still got upset today when I mentioned I have a friend that will let me stay with her until he leaves in a year or so. I told him I don't want a divorce but maybe I'll find a job there and things would get better between the two of us. Maybe we can go back to the way we were. He got upset and said it sounds like I already made plans. I told him that it's hard not to think about things when everyday the disrespect is more apparent. That there's nothing he can do if he won't even force his son to be respectful and I refuse to be on the receiving end of it.
I get depressed and maintaining a healthy environment is super important for me. I feel hated in this house, being jobless on top of that doesn't help, and dealing with the trauma of a miscarriage or not while dealing with a disrespectful teenage ss is too much for a former independent, childless, female.
I quit but am I over-reacting? I'm sitting here in a pool of my own tears and can't believe my life has come to this shit in the 4 years I've been married. I don't even want to get up in the morning just want to sleep all day but then I'm not sleeping more than 3 hours a night anyway.
Any advice or words of wisdom is appreciated.
My heart breaks for you as I
My heart breaks for you as I read this. I wish I had advice but it seems like you have a good head on your shoulders - you are recognizing the warning signs and trying to get out. I think you just need to act on it, stay with your friend and remove yourself from the situation. Your husband apparently is upset that you are willing to stand up for yourself but won't stand up to his son to show him that a woman should be respected. This would be a huge flag that whether you get your job and your life back on track is it really worth being with a man that won't defend you. You are amazing and smart this post proves it. I would start focusing on you who cares what he says if he will not defend you.
SBM014, thank you for
SBM014, thank you for responding. I'm hurting and scared because I'm more afraid of falling into that black hole of depression. Having no job, and being in an unstable marriage bc of my stepson and husband's refusal to see the light is painful. He used to be my best friend and now I refuse to even have sex with him bc I feel betrayed. I hate my life so much now.
I've tried prayer, journaling and now have to go back and get medications. I'm contemplating filing bankruptcy and staying with a friend all because I made the stupid decision to marry a man with a child and a high-conflict ex. This is so beyond anything I ever knew. I worked so damn hard all my life and now it's all falling apart for me.
I wish there was even a hint of this crap in his character and in my interactions with his son before we married bc I would have at least been prepared but now I have to try to re-build my life.
I just moved out of the love
I just moved out of the love of my life's house. His 24 yr old moved in. Why because him and his girlfriend broke up Dad was an easy pick so he can live rent free. His Dad paid for his semester 3 classes and books. His kid works , barely goes to school, eats off us and wants it cooked for him. I was so upset that I left. Bf set up no boundries, no rules, no paying anything. I asked how long he will stay, what's his plans . Dad said none. Or mention yrs for him to stay. This kid will have no motivation to leave if he gets everything free. He has enough to pay his phone, cigs,wine, apartment yet somehow did not plan to move in with buddies.
Now I am the "bad" person for expecting a plan, boundaries, etc. My bf said don't tell me not to take care of my kid. Wow how perfect for his kid. Play a quilt trip or make dads girlfriend appear to be out of bounds. My bf does not under any circumstances understand why I left . So of coarse I am the asshole because their are no plans, boundaries etc
Tara, That's just it. I
Tara,
That's just it. I understand why you left and don't understand why your BF would be ok with his son moving back in without a plan. It's crazy and hurtful and I know. You're not an asshole just a woman saying and doing what's necessary to live a normal, NORMAL life. Do they not see this shit is not normal. Why are these men ok with destroying their relationships instead of being realistic.
Because I had zero validation
Because I had zero validation or understanding about my point of view I found this place and see its just not me dealing with this. I found several articles that support rules,boundaries,plans on when or how long one self supporting person should not stay. The kids usually lay guilt on the parent in order to get their way. Emotions for that parent out rules logic of making them be an adult. I have had 3 ppl stay with me for free until they got a job, after months of "no job" I sent them on their way and they just found another sucker .
This is great advice. I am sending it to my bf and I am sure his reaction will be "I just don't get it" "he's my Son are you giving me an ultimatum it's you or him" heard that already.
http://m.empoweringparents.com/adult-child-living-at-home-part-two.php
I think that if you feel
I think that if you feel you've lost yourself in this situation, you need to do whatever is necessary to find yourself again.
If removing yourself from that home is what you need to get yourself back on track, that's the path to take. When your DH isn't willing to address the issues with his son to make your home a peaceful place for you, it's up to you to make a peaceful place for yourself.
You mention that you've been on anti-depressants in the past & that it helped keep your depression under control. Absolutely go back to your doctor & get back on something to help you through this.
A job loss, your miscarriage, & the situation with your SS...that's a whole to have happen & deal with at one time. To suggest you should "be over it" 6 months later is not reasonable.
You are not overreacting. Your DH's refusal to address the issues with his son has left you no option but to take this drastic step. You are in survival mode.
I say you take some time away...as much time as you need. Ask your DH to take that time to deal with the issues with his son, & let him know that when he has, the two of you can discuss you moving back home (if you decide that you want to try to make things work between you again).
It's difficult to be in love with someone who allows people to mistreat you. I'm sorry.
Stormbruin, thank you for
Stormbruin, thank you for those words and the sound advice. It's exactly what I feel like I've been left with no choice but to survive. To do what I have to do. I'm going back on anti-depressants I'll see my doctor next week or sooner if I can manage. I feel a little better getting this off my chest and your responses make me feel normal like I'm not crazy so thank you for taking the time out of your day to even offer the advice. This situation can be so isolating and I don't feel quite so alone anymore.
Stormbruin, thank you for
Stormbruin, thank you for those words and the sound advice. It's exactly what I feel like I've been left with no choice but to survive. To do what I have to do. I'm going back on anti-depressants I'll see my doctor next week or sooner if I can manage. I feel a little better getting this off my chest and your responses make me feel normal like I'm not crazy so thank you for taking the time out of your day to even offer the advice. This situation can be so isolating and I don't feel quite so alone anymore.
Sweetheart, first of all,
Sweetheart, first of all, HUGE HUGS TO YOU!!
You need to leave a situation where it is dragging you down to the point of useless living when you have so much to give to everyone around you. Leaving would be the best thing for you to do to start over and to be honest with you, take your things, put them in storage until you can get a job and get back on your feet. Maybe a friend can let you use a room in their house until you can get to counseling and get things in order.
What I would not do is give your soon to be ex your address of where you are and just file the papers. No one should have to put up with this abuse at all. Too many people here on this board have done that and it has been Hell for them. No one deserves this kind of punishment. No one.
And if DH doesn't do a d*mn thing about his son? He's just enabling the behavior. Just leave, sweetheart. I wish I could take you in. We are here if you need a shoulder to cry on or resources for starting over.
My heart goes out to you
My heart goes out to you because we are in a parallel situation. Two weeks ago I was sitting right where you, ready to walk out. I was just trying to figure out how to pay my share of the household bills and find the money to afford to rent a small apartment so I could get out. I too was ready to go on antidepressants again but something happened to me after those awful days, I got tough and decided that I will not allow SD18 to control my home and if someone has to go it's going to be her, not the person who pays the mortgage. That's not to say things are any better at my end yet but they will be soon. Hugs to you in whatever you decide to do, it sure isn't an easy place to be.