THE KIDS ARE GOING TO LIVE WITH US!? HELP ME!
So my DH and I have been married for about three years now. We have his three daughters EOWE. Well we have just recently found out that BM has decided she can no longer take care of the girls because the oldest(18) is graduating this year and has told her BM she will not be playing mommy for her sisters after graduation and that she needs to step up and actually be a mother. SO my DH and I are moving to California from Arizona on Monday, and my two SDs(11, 13) will be coming to live with us after their school year here is over. WHAT THE HECK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO! I have never been a full time mom. Only a EOWE mom and a summer mom. My SDs are so sweet, and loving to me. I love the heck out of them.... but I am so scared. What if I suck at being a mom. I have never had to deal with school stuff or everyday stuff. Their BM is a horrible mother. I just dont want to be a bad mother either... any advice?
I know I am not their bio
I know I am not their bio mother. But I am A MOTHER regardless of blood or not. I am not trying to replace her, but they have told me countless times that they see me more as a mom then there BM. I married them when I married my husband. I feel sorry for you if you think I won't be doing whatever I can to make them comfortable in a whole new city. I don't want your help. You were actually no help at all. You offered no advice. You just added to my anxiety by saying I am already a failure. Please don't comment on my question anymore.
So you only want advice if it
So you only want advice if it placates you and follows you currently incredibly flawed thought process? Don't want any advice from, you know... maybe people who have been where you are and have the scars to prove it and want to spare you a little pain?
Because LORD HAVE MERCY you have no idea how effed up your current thought process is, or the hell that will be bestowed upon you.
But, by all means.
Yup - Biomoms can absolutely
Yup - Biomoms can absolutely opt out of parenting. Cocktail and I are living proof.
Sigh - it's a club nobody wants to be in.
at least she's seen them a
at least she's seen them a handful of times.
Skids here haven't seen, spoken to or heard from Medusa in over 4 years.
Thank you. That was REAL
Thank you. That was REAL advice. And helpful.
My advice is to not have
My advice is to not have babies with this man until you are sure you can be happy living in this scenario. I'm not going to suger coat it, step parenting is HARD, even for experienced parents.
Some other quick tidbits:
-One thing to remember is that you are not the parent. Your role is to ASSIST, not to lead.
-Make sure you have a job and don't become the unpaid stay at home nanny.
-Even though they call you mom now, they will want to get close to their bio mom when they're teenagers. This seems to be the pattern. Don't tak it personally.
-Don't let them call you "mom", when you start to discipline it will quickly turn into "you are not my mom!". Tell them to call you by your name. Tell them that they need to listen to you the way they do the teachers at school. It will make things easier in the long run.
Good luck!
I wish I'd had you around
I wish I'd had you around when I was 22. I'd have done anything, in retrospect, for some solid bitter pills to swallow.
You're only 22. Those kids
You're only 22. Those kids don't see you as a mother figure. More than likely they view you as the fun older sister.
Yes...I am a mommy figure to
Yes...I am a mommy figure to a pants pooping sloth. Go me.
Yeah, but you all are not 9
Yeah, but you all are not 9 years older than the kids you're stuck with.
Age will play a huge part in all of this. Heck, the OP is only 4 years older than the man's oldest kid. More than likely, the younger two kids view her the same way the view their older sister or one if het cool friends.
It's interesting that the OP's name is StepFRIEND
These ladies give excellent
These ladies give excellent advice. When SS13 first lived with us (he lives with us 24/7/365) I mistakenly took on the role of pseudo mom and did everything. Big mistake. The more you do for your DH, the more he will be happy to sit back with his feet and let you get on with it. It will cause resentment in you and the skids as well.
He is the parent so he needs to do all of the parenting. Assist as you want and wish but let their father be a father. You are not there to take the BM's place and you do NOT have to be a full-time pseudo parent to them. Most importantly, you are NOT the free, live-in babysitter either! Don't give up your job, career goals, dreams, etc.
Think of it as more of being the fun Aunt. By all means, if you like, interact with them and have fun. However leave the heavy lifting to your DH. They are his girls and it is his responsibility to pick up the slack of his ex, his job to figure this out and deal with his ex that is skipping out of doing her role as their parent.
Tattoo that on my forehead.
Tattoo that on my forehead.
I like sueu2's concrete
I like sueu2's concrete advice. I do want to add that since your SD'S are 11 and 13, please know that they will soon be hormonal. Even with biodaughters, it can be a difficult time. I have a DD that is 15 that is a good kid (no sex, drugs, alcohol, good grades, volunteers and has a kind heart) but there are moments when I think one of us is going to kill the other.
Also, you didn't mention if you and DH are planning on having kids. That would change the whole dynamic.
OP - sueu2 and hrnyc have
OP - sueu2 and hrnyc have given you the best advice you could hear.
you have a very long and hard road ahead. trust me, as a full-time sm. do not jump in with both feet, do not get ahead of yourself. just let your relationship with them form in a SLOW and organic way. do NOT be gung-ho from the get-go. hold way the eff back from the start and let things develop naturally, that way if you see something that you need to pull back on it's not such a shock to the family.
and feel what you may about their mom, but never EVER voice that out loud to them. if they say something negative about her to you, do not validate it.
your dh needs to take the lead in the family as far as expecting certain behaviors from them, including showing you kindness and respect, but also extending to things like bedtime, schoolwork, etc. take your time, and as your relationship with the girls develops you will figure out when you need to pipe in to back him up OR stfu and sit back and let him handle things. AND it may be different for each kid - you may need to be more hands-off with one, and more involved with the other. you'll see through time.
START SLLLOOOWWWWW. and think practically too, as far as the advice to gather ss#'s, birth certificates, vacc. records, anything in preparation for items needed for them to live there.
and for the love of god and my sanity, do NOT be their maid - they are old enough to be perfectly capable of picking up after themselves, cleaning their rooms and bathroom, getting their own snacks, and doing their own laundry. do NOT set the precident that YOU are the house-b*tch.
please take our advice to heart. just sit back and watch to start with - let them develop first with your husband and you take a back seat for quite a while.