Insta-Daddy in need of guidance
Hey y'all... I'm Dusty. 27, divorced and soon to be married. My FDW has 5 kids (3 of which are involved in a huge court battle with her abusive jackass of an ex), out of 5, we currently have 2 in custody. A three year old, and a four year old. The oldest three (1 boy, 2 girls), I'm crazy about. The four year old and I have a decent relationship, but the three year old and I have serious issues. FDW doesn't want to really see, she tells me to focus on the good, and not all the bad. It's kinda hard to do that when the child doesn't seem to learn AT ALL. Focus on the good? I find it difficult when every time I turn around, he's commiting yet another interesting issue within the household. She says he sleepwalks, and thinks he's using the toilet, and actually peeing on his bedroom floor. Well, I thought I proved that to her this morning that he AIN'T sleep walking because he was wide awake, was playing on the tablet I got them, and came into OUR bedroom and peed on the floor. I heard it, turned over, and he sees me look and puts everything up. Then I try to inform FDW that he's awake, and she goes off saying that she gets the feeling that she has to choose between me or him. I haven't put out that vibe (or at least I don't think I have), and she also informed me this morning that she don't feel that he's safe here with me. I tried to tell her that he is, and then asked what his punishment is gonna be for peeing on our room floor, and what's she do? She lets him crawl into bed and cuts the tv on for him, then gets venomous with me saying that I said I was gonna focus on the good, and that I'm clearly not by asking her what his punishment is gonna be. I come from a BIG family, there's 5 of us. I know a lil about kids because I raised my sibs while mom was working. My lil brothers are ADD/ADHD, and one has a little learning disability. I KNOW kids have quirks, but why do I get the feeling that he WANTS to make my life a living hell? He tells me he loves me (and yes, while all this is going on I DO love him), tells me hes gonna be good for mom while I'm at work, and every time I'm on break, I call, and what's she doing? Telling me that he's driving her up the wall. So, advice? anyone? I don't wanna mess things up with her anymore than it already seems I have. I'm bipolar, have PTSD (I'm in the Army), and have chronic back and knee pain. I know I need help, so here I am asking for it.
TIA,
Dusty :?
okay, I get what you're
okay, I get what you're saying. How can I get help for us? parenting class? When we met, it felt like a puzzle piece fell into place that I didn't know was missing. I'm not making excuses here, I'm jus saying that I DO want this to work out for all of our benifits. And I kinda understand her point of view when it comes to how she's been treated by men in the past. But at the same time, I ask that she look at me not as them, but as me. I'm new to this daddy businuess, and it melts my heart that all 5 kids look at me as such. Being that we're not married (YET, and it's becoming an even bigger yet/if), we cannot get into counseling due to certain circumstances. And we've discussed the fact that as soon as we're married, we're going to get couseling to keep a healthy relationship. I WANT to be able to be proud of him, how can I get this resolved? How can I get her to see what's going on here, and perhaps change the situation? This kid wakes up at the crack of dawn (literally), and if he's not destroying the house, he climbs into our bed while I'm at PT. Personally, I've made it known several times that I don't want kids in our bedroom because of the destruction (I keep all my valuables i.e.: Guitar, tablets, etc. in there). I've even went as far as "rewarding" him staying in his room until we get up, or everyone else is up. I'm starting to wonder if I AM fighting a lost cause even though it really hurts to see it that way (so I'm emotional, and soft. Sue me)
TIA,
Dusty
I am getting help for my
I am getting help for my issues... that plethorum that I have. And the younger 2 are not by the same guy... BF don't have anyhting to do with them, and I'm glad. He's a low-life, abuser, user, drug user, in and out of jail. So I don't think it's the 'split up'... I honestly think that he's not used to sharing her attention?
TIA
Dusty
Couple months ago... chaotic?
Couple months ago... chaotic? Kinda... there's a lot of stress in the house at the moment... and the younger 2 defiantly need structure... before me, they got away with a lot... and the youngest bucks up to her, and is generally violent with her and his older brother. He only did that to me once, and hasn't since.
For the love of these kids,
For the love of these kids, their mom, and yourself, please do not get married without counseling first. Skid problems do not go away with marriage. If anything, they become more frequent and much worse as time goes by. Discuss and agree on how the two of you will cope with family issues (especially thoughts on discipline and ways of teaching the kids life skills) before marriage. And if you can't agree on these important issues, run as fast as you can! Otherwise she will pull the BM card, you're life will be miserable, and you will resent her for it. Just my two cents.
thank you all for your
thank you all for your advice... We're gonna do the counseling. Our relationship is too important to us for biases.
Are you looking to get
Are you looking to get custody of the other three kids as well?
sorry for the long time...
sorry for the long time... Yes, that is my ultimate goal. As for now, they're with their abusive father whom the courts granted full custody. My short tem goal is to take him, his lawyer, and the judge up to Atlanta to supreme court. This is going to happen after my bankruptcy finally is approved (I took $40k in debt from my ex-wife).
Chronic knee pain is usually
Chronic knee pain is usually a result of constant impact on the ligaments. But there are several treatments ranging from medication to natural remedies such as stretching exercises which can help one in getting rid of knee pain. I have read a book on jumper's knee you can check it http://www.amazon.com/Beating-Patellar-Tendonitis-Treatment-Pain-free/dp... or Consult even an expert if now being able find the cause of the pain !!!
Dusty, It sounds like the
Dusty,
It sounds like the both of you have a number of issues that you might need some help with, and maybe seeing a family counselor who specializes in step families might be good option for you. She doesn't trust you with the children, you feel she is ignoring your input, she feels you are making her choose between you or the child, and you are both dealing with multiple legal issues that have to be seriously impacting the kids.
First and foremost, however, I would say that if you both can't agree that your relationship comes first, you are going to be in for a very, very long road ahead. Because if a child feels that they are able to drive a wedge between the two adults, they will!
You might see if you can have the child seen by an expert so that if he does has a sleepwalking issue, it can be addressed. Also, you and your FDW need to have a serious conversation about expectations and consequences in the house that you both share. I would agree with you that jumping into bed to watch tv is not an appropriate response for peeing on the floor regardless of the circumstances. But in front of the child, is definitely not the place you want to have that conversation. Talk about the three main behaviors that are driving you insane. What is it that you really expect, how are you going to teach the child that appropriate behavior, and then what will be the consequence each and every time he fails to do so. All kids, even ones with quirks, do better with consistency and clear expectations that are consistent in the house. If they are not, he will keep running to mommy for years to come. In the end, you do want to see the good in him, and taking some time to explore games that he likes (even it is is just playing with legos for 15-20 minutes) might be a way for you two to start rebuilding your connection.
Hope the comments help.
Maybe counselling is a good
Maybe counselling is a good idea, but whatever it takes, you need to make sure that you're both on the same page and the same team when it comes to the kids. There are enough issues with the ex, and the world in general and if you aren't presenting a united front and agree how the kids should be raised, its gonna be hell, no matter how much you want it to work. That united front has saved me from what could have been horrible with my SS18 and SD15. If we didn't agree on how they should be raised or on what they aren't doing and should be doing, then I would have walked out - its hard enough as it is when we do agree because its us against the kids at their age (and these are good kids too). You don't need to be fighting battles on all fronts which is what it sounds like you're doing. This is a team effort and if you're going to spend the rest of your life with these kids (because lets face it, you're marrying her and the kids, they WILL NOT go away), then you need to be aiming for the same goal posts.
Good luck.