I cannot, for the life of me, shake off these irrational feelings of jealousy, toward my SO's children. Time after time after time, I have tried to reason with myself and talk myself out of it. I have even sought out a therapist with my SO (who I didn't like at all and actually made me feel even more ashamed of myself) last year.

Nothing I feel affects the way that I treat my SO's children. I always try my hardest to be kind, polite, and civil with them at ALL times, regardless of what I may or may not otherwise feel. I have bought them gifts and cards for their birthdays, offered to help them clean their rooms, complimented them, asked them about certain events in their lives, and have over all never given them any reason to turn around and accuse me of being a wicked person. I even offered to give my SO's then 15 year-old daughter some cash for an outing with her friend and sent both kids a text message last spring (before I was living with my SO) telling them that I would be back in the summer and that I would be happy to do something with them if they could think of anything to do. Again, I reinforced this to my SO's daughter a couple of weeks ago, saying: "If you ever want to do anything, I'm game".

My SO knows about my jealousy, but appreciates the efforts I try to make when I make them. I have apologized to her and tried to see things from her point of view--that is, from a MOTHER'S point of view--and promised her I would make an effort.

They aren't bad people (aside from being thoughtless and ignoring me in their presence) and have never given me a reason to believe that they are unworthy of love or kindness, but I STILL feel myself blaming them, as I know that life between SO and I would be so much easier if they were not a factor in our lives. We can't move, I have made enormous life-altering changes due to distance, we are made to feel guilty by SO's ex-husband whenever we take a trip, and I have, in the past, been perceived as an object of shame, someone who had to be hidden from the children and their friends due to the fact that I am their mom's younger, same-sex partner. None of this would be the case if the kids were not in the picture, and I feel resentful toward them for that (and more). I KNOW it isn't their fault, and I do tell myself that all the time when I catch myself feeling this way.

However, when I am with the kids, I DO at times, feel myself liking them as people and wanting to spend more time with them one-on-one. I have promised my SO that I would do this, and even jumped at the opportunity to help SO's daughter get ready for her Homecoming a few weeks ago. Still, I am jealous, especially of my SO's daughter (and I am otherwise not a jealous or possessive individual unless given very good reason to be). She can just LOOK at her daughter and smile, and I will feel that surge going through my body--almost as if SO's daughter is "the other woman", which I know she ISN'T.

I have spent nights worrying about myself, crying, questioning what the hell is WRONG with me for feeling this way. I even wondered if I was a Sociopath. I worried myself sick for WEEKS last fall wondering if I was a person severely lacking in empathy. However, I know I am very loving toward people who are sick, small children, animals, and the elderly, so I can't be a Sociopath...I just don't seem to feel empathy toward SKIDS.