My DH had primary custody of his two children when I married him.  At the time SD was 7 and SS was 12.  As time progressed, and very quickly after we got married, I started to notice things about the skids when they came back from the mom's.  Also seemed like BM knew everything about what we were doing, had done, plans, etc.  We never asked the skids anything about what went on at BMs.  My DH didn't really notice, but I did.  I saw text messages and picked up on things and I could tell their relationship with BM was one of huge loyalty over their father.  I could tell that they were being groomed, especially the SD to not like me.  BM underminded everything we did as a family.  Things I said or did were brought up to DH by BM.  I felt betrayed but I started putting my guard up as well.  I knew what was happening and as the years progressed I tried to tell DH that there was something going on and that his kids' loyalty was not as much to him as to BM (he would never believe me).  Here we are 8 years later.  SD seldom comes to our house after running away to mom's (with the help of mom).  The various reasons that have been given over the past year are so vague and untruthful.  Any adult should be able to see through them, if they wanted to.  She was groomed for sure by BM.  SD has turned out to be so cold and calculating it's truly unbelievable.  I feel sorry for my DH but he played right into it.  

I can relate, but I would keep my guard up.  My downfall was that I made myself so vulnerable to those kids and this family.  And as it turns out, I never meant much to them anyway.  Trust your gut, it knows what is up and you are going to be the ONLY person who knows what is going on.  A BM's jealousy over her daughter bonding with a stepmother is pretty profound and it can be taught to a stepdaughter.  I'm living it.  I wish I had my guard up so much more than I ever did.  I hope you have a great relationship with your SD always.

When my ss was around the ages of your skids, nearly every time he came back from Bm's there was a fight of some kind.

It's almost like you need to just get them back and not interact for a time and allow that transition to take place.

Still, there could still be problems such as homework didn't get done while at Bm's, clothes are missing, etc.

However, if given that buffer zone, tensions would ease a bit.

My SSs come to our home EOWE. They report everything back to BM during the 48 hours they are with us. Sometimes, I'm amazed that they even remembered some of the things they shared, because otherwise, they seem to "forget" everything. 

I don't think BM wants them to feel like they have a home with us and she wants her "family" with her DH and his son to be the "only family" for the children. She still wants DH around to be an ATM, a babysitter, and a scapegoat, but she does all that she can to make SSs feel uncomfortable around us and to make them feel like DH is not a parent. 

On their last visitation DH got angry with them and told them both that they needed to stop reporting everything back to BM. He's also told one of them repeatedly that he needs to stop trying to cause drama with BM. They are teens, so well old enough to know what they are doing, at this point. 

SSs were both in therapy briefly - because BM said it was "traumatic" for them to come to our home and wanted to reduce DH's time, but as soon as they went to the counselor and the counselor met with DH, it was clear that she was not going to recommend that their time be reduced. In fact, she told overly-dramatic, enmeshed SS that he was lucky to have a father who cared so much about him and it was okay for things to be different at our home than they were at BM's. Therapy was their only hope of becoming "independent" from BM, but of course, she stopped taking them less than 2 months in, so now they are back under her spell. 

It definitely has impacted my relationship with SSs. No one wants to become a prisoner in their own home. I feel like I have to hide things and watch everything I say when they're around. It has prevented us from becoming a family, which is exactly what BM wants. I don't trust either kid and she has had her lawyer write terrible things about me in official letters, based supposedly on what SSs have told her. 

I wish HCBMs could just accept the fact that they are divorced and that the best thing they can do for their children is allow them to interact with their fathers in peace. None of the drama they kick up is "just looking out for the children" no matter how much they claim it is. It is purely to meet the emotional needs of BM. So many BMs use their children as pawns, but society views the poor, single mother as a martyr and the divorced dad as a deadbeat, so it's a losing battle. 

I'm just waiting until SSs decide they don't want to come over anymore. I know DH will be sad, but even he is wishing that one SS would come over less, because he causes such drama whenever he's around. 

For 4 years, we had the SKs when they were not in school.  They lived with BM.  When they'd arrive on Friday, i hated it.  They were kind of wild.  After a day or so, things would calm down but the next weekend, we would start all over.  I hear that a similar situation was going on at BM's.  I realize now that the transition was as hard on them as it was me.  Once they lived with us full time, things were more stable day to day.

We had the same alienation, spying and BM critique of everything we did.  It's a bummer, i feel for you.