Family Priorities
Really need some advice on how to handle a situation. My partners daughter lives with us 2 nights a week on average, which we would like to be more but BM is in control of that which is an endless frustration to my partner. Their time together is precious, however I am finding it difficult at times as it seems the priorities of my partners family, ie his mother and daughter, always come before mine - my parents, brother, niece and nephew.
We are not married but have been together 3 years and I moved away from my family to start a life with them.
So my current frustration is, the last few weekends we have spent feels like rather than spending time as a family (we are all together in the same house) everything we do revolves around SD but I'm a bit of a spare part - they cuddle together on the sofa with me on the end, they get up together early and leave me in bed, and it's just a nagging sense of not being part of things and that it doesn't feel like a family unit. To add to this I really want all of us to travel to see my family for Christmas, even if just for a day, it's not easy logistically as we only have 2 days with SD, partners mum is staying with us, and it's a 5 hour drive away. But it is possible. However my partner doesn't want to have to make the journey. I can understand why, but it means for the third year in a row I won't spend Christmas with my family. And it's not just me, I want my SD to spend time with them too, they love her to pieces and want her to consider them part of her family too. I don't know how to approach this or explain to my partner, he doesn't seem to see or understand because his priority is his daughter.
Any advice would help! Am I being childish, selfish, unreasonable to expect him to see it from my side?
How do I approach explaining how I feel without him seeing it as me being jealous of his daughter?
Well, you aren't much of a
Well, you aren't much of a family or a couple if you can't simply talk to your partner about how you feel and find ways to make the visitation more inclusive. And that includes some holidays with YOUR family.
Appreciate that but not
Appreciate that but not finding it simple to talk to him, any advice about how to go about it...?
^^^^^^^^^^^^^exactly!^^^^^^^^
^^^^^^^^^^^^^exactly!^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
"Submitted by dtzyblnd on
"Submitted by dtzyblnd on Sat, 11/08/2014 - 9:25am.
Take him aside, away from his mom, when SD isn't with you, and tell him that you want to spend sometime with your family for Christmas. If he is unwilling to make that small sacrifice for you, then what you should do
is go visit your family by yourself for a few days. No sense in you missing them for so long, and you've
sacrificed for him, his mother and daughter, they should want to reciprocate, the adults, not the SD.
�
****
Stephen King has ruined your step children!
And I'm the reason some women don't have babies!
Be Polite, Be Professional, and have a plan to kill everybody you meet ~ General Mad Dog Mattis USMC"
Nothing needs to be said other than what Ditz has recommended.
If he can't extricate himself from the umbilical cords with his mommmy and his spawn then there is no redeeming qualities in this guy to justify your relationship with him. You should be his partner not his convenience.
IMHO of course.
Have you talked to him about
Have you talked to him about this yet?
Very similar scenarios happened in our house in the past. My partner, on confronting him, hadn't actually realised that that's how I felt. He just didn't see it. I talked to him about the 'feeling excluded' part (same as you, them all sat on the sofa cuddling, me about a foot away) and now my partner has actually asked his kids on occasion to move up so he can sit next to me and cuddle me, often having a spare arm the other side to cuddle skids, but not always.
Tell him you want to see your family this Xmas, that for 3 years you have prioritised him, and this year you want to see them and will. Then ask if he and SD (and possibly Mother) are coming. Sometimes I think you have to tell men that this is what you are doing and this is how it is, and then they see what the issue is and what they ought to do.
If he is adamant he wont be with you on the day, go enjoy your family. Don't stay at home for him if he isn't willing to see your family with you.